Wedding Crashers Script - Dialogue Transcript
Voila! Finally, the Wedding Crashers script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson and Rachel McAdams movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Wedding Crashers. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free todrop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!
Wedding Crashers Script
- I don't have custody of the kids.- Yeah. - You know what?- I don't get custody. It is an insane pathetic joke,what I've had to go through. Right now, right now she doesn't knowwhere the kids are, do you? - Do not talk about me as a mother.- Are they at home? I'm so sick to death of you talking aboutme as a mother - and what I've done wrong!- They at your sister's? Where... they're probably at a firehousesomewhere. She'd just drop 'em off - with a fireman, you know?- Do not talk about that! I am sick of you accusing meof not being a good mother! - Are they at home? Are they at home?- Seven years I've been a good mother! A perfect mother?I can't have custody. Just remember when we went out.Just remember how you... Right now. Where is Timright fucking now? Don't you talk about mebeing a mother. I hate you! Hey, I got an idea.Why don't you just kiss my left nut? - I told you this was a bad idea.- You know what, Ken? A bad idea would be to let your clientwalk outta here today and drag this thing out for another year, wastingmore time and wasting more money. The only good idea is to letme and John do our job - and mediate this thing right here.- You wanna hear the crazy thing? I know it doesn't feel like it,but we're making progress. - Mm-hmm.- We settled the deal with the cars. Let's see, that takes usto frequent flyer miles. We're flying! - Those are mine.- I want them. You know what we're gonna do? We'regonna split 'em right down the middle. - How'd that be, Mr. Kroeger?- It would be no-not good at all! - I earned those miles!- Yeah, you earned them flying - to Denver to meet your whore.- Oh, Lord. Well, she's not afraidto express herself sexually - if that's what you mean.- She's a stripper, for God's sake! - She is not!- Her name is Chastity! She is white trash!Same as you. Hillbilly! That's it,go comatose for me, baby. You shut your mouth whenyou're talkin' to me! Hold it. This is getting confusing. You didn't always hate each other. There had to be some nice moments,during the courtship, maybe? - Or the wedding?- The wedding had to be fun! - You have your families together.- You have your decorations. Families coming together.That's a nice moment. - What'd you have to eat?- Crab cakes. Are you kidding me? Crab c...how could you not have a good time - eating crab cakes? I love 'em.- Crab cakes, I love crab cakes. - They're phenomenal.- And did you have a band? - Did you have a band? Good or bad?- Yeah. Who gives a shit? It's a great band,it's a bad band, it's like pizza, baby. - It's good no matter what.- That's true. You got them... - There's music in the air!...playing "Shout" and you hate it. - Yeah. Oh-oh-oh-oh-hey- A little bit softer now - Oh-oh-oh-oh, hey- Shout now, jump up and shout now. It's a good time,do you know what I mean? - Yeah.- Rubbin' up against each other, just a couple of kids who like to fuck,trying to make it honest. I get it. Guys, the real enemy here isthe institution of marriage. It's not realistic, it's crazy!Hey, don't do this for the other person.It's about saying yes to yourself - and saying yes to your future.- Say yes. And have some opportunities foryourself. I'm sure you'd love to be free, maybe go out and meetsome Latin guy that can dance, grind up on you, make youfeel dangerous but also safe. And how about you? Don't you wantto get inside Chastity without having to wonderif everyone's gonna find out? - God, wouldn't that be sweet?- Wouldn't that be nice? And have some Latin guysweating all over you, talking to you in languagesyou don't understand, - needing you, wanting you, taking you?- All we're trying to say is, put your swords awayfor a second. Let's finish thisand let's move on. Get out there and getsome strange ass. Could you give her a glassof water so she can take that? Hey, John, that's weird.That glass looks half full to me. Wow, now that you mention it,it is half full. He can have the miles. Nah, sweetie,you take the miles. Great. Great! Let's signthe paperwork and we are done! This is just semantics. If you guyswant to throw a couple miles at us, we'll take a couple. The big this is,is that we're all movin' on. Could you two just not talk anymore? Oh, good, you got it.Is it % goose down? - Yes. Why do you need this?- Are you sure? I sleep over at John's houseevery year for his birthday. Okay, that's not creepy. I guess it is a little creepy when a young man who happensto be an only child loses both of his parentsin a tragic accident one month before his birthday and then hasa best friend make a vow that he will never spendhis birthday alone again. Maybe that would fall underthe category of creepy. Oh my God.I'm so sorry. - That's okay.- No, you're really sweet. I've got the perfect girl for you. Janice, I apologize to youif I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced,awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating.I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering,"Do I have food on my face? Am I eating? Am I talking too much? Arethey talking enough? Am I interested? I'm not really interested.Should I play like I'm interested? But I'm not that interested,but I think she might be interested. But do I want to be interested?But now she's not interested." So now, all of sudden I'm...I'm starting to get interested. And when am I supposed to kiss her?Do I have to wait for the door? 'Cause then it's awkward,it's like "Well, good night." Do you do like the ass-out hug? Whereyou like... you hug each other like this, and the ass sticks out becauseyou're trying not to get too close. Or do you go right in and just kiss 'emon the lips or don't kiss 'em at all? It's very difficult trying to readthe situation and all the while you're just really wondering, "Are wegonna get hopped enough to make some bad decisions?" And perhaps playa little game called "Just the Tip." Just for a second,just to see how it feels, - or "Ouch Ouch, You're on My Hair."- Okay. Okay, can... can you... can youput that so he... he can't see it? And thank you.Hey, Janice. Great talk. John? I gotta see you right away,it's important. What's going on? We've got three reallybig weeks ahead of us. It's wedding season, kid! You sandbaggingson of a bitch! I got us downfor of them already. Okay, now, how manyof 'em are cash bars? Great question, love where your head'sat, and two of 'em actually are. But... I got us covered. Purple hearts. We won't haveto pay for a drink all night. Oh yeah, perfect. We are gonna have tons and tonsof opportunities to meet gorgeous ladies that are so arousedby the thought of marriage, that they'll throw theirinhibitions to the wind. And who's gonna be thereto catch 'em? Grab that net and catch thatbeautiful butterfly, pal! What do you like better?Christmas or wedding season? - Mr. Grey.- Yes, um, the answer would be, um... - wedding season?- Bingo. I'm gonna go get my suit.Oh, now who are we this time? Hey, Lou Epstein, I want you to meeta real mensch, Chuck Schwartz. Oh, stop. And as we carry on the traditionof thousands of years, we honor the eternal bond that stretchesthrough the ages. I have known this couplefor many years. Deborah I've actually knownfor her entire life. I was at her house when her parentsbrought her home from the hospital, and I was there the day she graduatedfrom medical school. Josh I have knownsince his bar mitzvah, which those of youwho were there know it was nota very pretty sight. But he has pulled himselftogether nicely, and he's grown into a remarkableyoung man himself. - Okay.- He never got the courage to ask her out, until years later.Josh was in the emergency room, and he saw Debra again - and he said to himself...- Hi. "Wait! That's the girlI'm going to marry!" I now pronounce youman and wife. Mazel tov! Mazel tov, baby! From my familyto yours, mazel tov. Beautiful. Hava nagila Hava nagila Hava nagila,ba ba ba! Oh my. You sly son of a bitch. Nagila, hava nagilave'nismecha Hava nagila, hava... Does anyone know whatthis here is used for? - Rolling a fatty.- No, not... not for...where'd you learn that? You want to geta whole combination. You gotta get the frostingsin the middle and on the other end. - Ba-ba ba ba- That's it, that's it, that's it, that's it! Come on! You both look beautifulup there today, particularly Debbie in that whitedress. Enjoy it. After tomorrow, I don't think you're gonna be able to getaway with wearing a white dress. Here, I'll just pick this off, I'll go grabanother piece. That's it. - Ooh!- Whoa. In the words of the old country... - L'chaim!- L'chaim! Come here! I want you to take this note,bring it to that blonde girl. Hurry, 'cause I'mgonna time you. Go! Hi. Who gave this to you? You know, I saw youat the wedding. - And?- You were crying. Oh, shit. You weren'tsupposed to see that. Now you probably thinkI'm a big pussy. No, you were so sweet.Come here. Look, I knew I was never gonna bea professional bullfighter, - but that's not why I did it.- Weren't you scared? Can I say yes? - Sanjay Collins.- Chuck Vindaloo, excited to be here. - Shamus O'Toole.- Bobby O'Shea. - And we're gonna get drunk.- Ha-ha! Keep it comin', love,keep it comin', love... - Who is that?- Uh, him. Uh, I think that's his kid Leonard.The diabetic. - Who is that?- That's Luigi and Gina's son Christopher.You know, the banker. Oh, that's Mae Lin's adopted son Benny,the veterinarian. The French Foreign Legion? Yeah. We lost a lotof good men out there. Wow, really? Mount Everest? I just don't like to talk about it because we lostso many good men out there. Oh! Lost so manygood men out there. Playing with the Yankees? Yes, with the Yankees. You lose good mento trades and unruly fans. L... look, I don't wantto talk about it, I'm sorry. Tattoo on the lower back.Might as well be a bull's-eye. You know how they saywe only use % of our brains? - Mmm.- I think we only use % of our hearts. I feel so tiny in your arms. Really?How tall are you? I'm ' ", but... I feel like I'm four feet. And some poetry, courtesy of Sarah McLachlan. You've beenso good to me You know youmake me wanna shout Kick myheels up and shout Throw my headback and shout! - Kick my heels up and shout!- Yeah! - Come on now, take it easy- Shout! Shout! - Take it easy! Shout!- Hey-ay-ay-ay! Hey-ay-ay-ay! Hey-ay-ay-ay! Hey-ay-ay-ay! Hey-ay-ay-ay! Hey-ay-ay-ay! Hey-ay-ay-ay! - Hey-ay-ay-ay!- All right - Shout! Shout!- All right - Shout! Shout! Shout!- All right! All right! - The bride!- Now, wait a minute... All right let's go,let's go, let's make a memory! What are you gonna do for an encore?Walk on water? Great guy.He brung me along, too. Jesus. Come on! Get in there.You can do it! You want that cake!You don't treat cake like that. - You gotta treat cake like a lady.- Give her a kiss. Look at that. Oh my God,in front of all of 'em! Ba ba ba.Ah-ha-ha! Oh-ho! And then everyonesaid, "Jabroni!" Jabroni!This fucking guy, unbelievable! Hop in. Now spread it aroundon each other. We need a picture of thisThey're crazy! Bacio! Bacio! Time to party!Time to party! Come on, we need a picture.Get a picture. You've been so good to me You know you make mewant to shout! Lift my heels upand shout! Throw my headback and shout! Kick my heels up and shout!Come on now! Hey-ay-ay-ay! Hey-ay-ay-ay! Hey-ay-ay-ay! Hey-ay-ay-ay! - Hey-ay-ay-ay!- Ooh. - Hot.- Hey-ay-ay-ay! Hey-ay-ay-ay! Shout now!Jump up and shout now! Jump upand shout now! Jump up and shout now Jump upand shout now Jump up and shout now Everybody shout now,everybody shout now Everybody shout shout shoutshout shout shout shout Shout shout shoutshout shout shout Shout shout shout shoutshout shout shout shout Shout shout shout,oh, shout Whoa! Shout! Oh! Shout shoutshout shout! Shout shout shout shout Shout shout shout shoutshout shout shout shout Shout shout shoutshout shout shout shout Oh! Shout!Come on, come on and shout! Shout shout shout shoutshout shout shout shout Shout shout shout shoutshout shout shout shout Shout shout shoutshout shout shout shout Shout shout shout shoutshout shout shout shout Shout shout shout shout! Oh, no no. Oh, I'm sorry. Sarah, I feel likeI don't even know you. It's Vivian. Would you say you're completelyfull of shit or just %? I hope just but who knows? Ah. Bet that blonde wasa real shot of life. Yeah, real shot. You don't think we're being... I don't want to say sleazy,'cause that's not the right word, but a little irresponsible, maybe? No! One day, you'll look backon all this and laugh, say we wereyoung and stupid. Yeah. A couple of dumb kidsrunning around. We're not that young. Hell of a season, pal. Hell of a season. Oh! Baba ganoush. What do we got? Christmas come early. - Secretary Cleary?- The Secretary of the Treasury. The guy you loved since business school.Don't thank me. I don't know.I mean, I thought the season was over. I was looking forward to kindataking a break for a little bit. John, what are youtalking about? This is the Kentucky Derbyof weddings. It's the Clearys.They're an American institution. Pal, there's gonna beover single women at this wedding. Not to mention, if you look here,they've got three live bands, they got oysters, snacks,phenomenal finger food. I'm tired, okay? My feet hurt.My voice is hoarse. Oh, please don't takea turn to negative town. What are you talking about?Who's getting negative? Well, at the Buckner nuptials you weresitting and sulking in the corner. I wasn't sulking.I twisted my ankle. Rule # : Do not sit inthe corner and sulk; it draws attention to youin a negative way. Draw attention to yourself,but on your own terms. Please don't quotethe rules to me, I know them. When Chaz Reinhold passed the sacredrules of wedding crashing onto us years ago,he gave us a legacy. You make it soundlike a cult, okay? And from everything you've told meabout Chaz, he sounds like a kook! You bite your tongue.Chaz Reinhold is not a kook! He is a brave and a decent man.He is a pioneer! He lived with his mother till hewas ! She tried to poison his oatmeal! Erroneous! Erroneous. Erroneous on both counts! - Oh, Lord. Here we go again.- What you should be worried about is not Chaz Reinhold,who is in the hall of fame. What you should be worried aboutis you're getting sloppy. Now, if you sit thereand expect me to go out on a limb and try to pull offthe greatest crash of all time, I gotta know thatyour head's right. There is no roomfor error. Secret Service.Consequences. I love your enthusiasm. If I do this,I don't wanna half-ass it. I want it well planned. He's back! All right, partner.We'll start scheming tonight, okay? - Sounds good.- If you need me, I'll be on line six. Okay. Could be fun. - Wow.- Mr. Senator. - Congratulations, Kathleen.- Thank you. - Bill, congratulations.- Thank you, Senator. Secretary, they justgrow up so damn fast. That's the truth. - Okay. Let's do our pregame.- What do you got? A few articles on Secretary Cleary'seconomic policies. There's also a roster of key familymembers, a glossary, sailing terms. - Sailing?- Sailing's like sex to these people. - They love it.- Harvard, Kennedy School of Government, Mom's big with charities,blah blah blah. Three daughters, one son.I get it. Good work. Good. Let me see that again, please. Handsome. Okay, what's our back story? We're brothers from New Hampshire,we're venture capitalists. I'm sick of that! Let's be from Vermont and let's have an emergingmaple syrup conglomerate. Wait, that's stupid. We don't knowanything about maple syrup. I happen to know everything there isto know about maple syrup. I love maple syrup.I love maple syrup on pancakes. I love it on pizza. I like to take maplesyrup and put a little bit in my hair when I've had a rough week.What do you think holds it up, slick? It's the first quarter of the big gameand you want to toss up a Hail Mary! I'd like to be pimps from Oaklandor cowboys from Arizona, but it's not Halloween!Grow up, Peter Pan! Count Chocula! Look, we beento a million weddings. And guess what?We've rocked 'em all! Great day. - The Eagle has landed.- The big show. Hey, hey. Fifth row backwith the fancy hat. I like that. No, don't waste your time on girlswith hats, they tend to be very proper. Yeah? The proper girl in the hatjust eye-fucked the shit outta me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Why don't you say it a little louder?I don't think the priest heard you. Look, John, I'm sorryI'm not sorry, okay? I'm not gonna apologize.I'm a cocksman. - Tourette's.- Frank Myers. John Ryan.Say hello to my brother Jeremy. Hi, how are you?So, um, how do you know the groom? - We are Uncle Ned's kids.- Mm-hmm. Uncle Ned. - Is he Liz's brother?- Uncle Ned, the brother of Aunt Liz. How is everybody? Well, Dad kinda puttersaround the house. Hey, Aunt Liz sends her best.She couldn't make it. Uh, yeah, I know.Uh, ah... she's dead. From the grave. She sends her best from the grave. We've become extremely spiritual - ever since she passed.- I see. But thank you so muchfor your kindness, brother. Lord knows we need family nowmore than ever. - You're welcome.- Thank you. How many times are yougonna do this shit? Rule # :You don't commit to a relative unless you're absolutely positivethat they have a pulse. Rule : Give mean up-to-date family tree. That was your mistake.You made me look like an idiot. Rule # : No excuses,play like a champion. Hello, Red. - Dibs.- She's all yours. I ain't gonna fight you. I think we've got a crier. - No shot.- $ . - Make it .- Done. Oh, are you kidding me? It's beautiful.It's moving. It's a wedding. And now for our next reading, I'd like to askthe bride's sister Gloria up to the lectern. $ Corinthians. Double or nothing,Colossians : . And now a reading fromPaul's First Letter to the Corinthians. "Love is patient, love is kind." As you all know,Craig and Christina are quitethe sailing enthusiasts. In that light, they have electedto exchange vows which they themselveshave written. The ring. I, Craig, take you, Christina,to be my wife, my best friendand my first mate... through sickness and health,clear skies and squalls. I'm sorry,I have a tickle in my throat. I, Christina,take you, Craig, to be my best friend, and my captain... to be your anchorand your sail... Well, this is a first. ...your starboardand your port. And now I pronounce youhusband and wife. You may kissthe first mate. Sorry, just...just a sampler. Told you this wouldbe classy, right? Yes, you did, class, first classall the way. You were not lying. Class class class. They've got some kindof seasoning on here. It must be sprinkled. Okay, go get us seats near,but not too near, the bridal party. I'm going to go drop this boxof fresh Wyoming air. If you see any crab cakes,get your hands on some - 'cause I love the crab cakes.- Consider it done. - Fondue set.- Excuse me? The present you're holding isa sterling silver fondue set. - John Ryan.- Claire Cleary. Uh, so how do you know that? Well... I'm a psychic. You're psychic?Really? Yes. - What's that one?- Knife set. German. Very nice. Hmm. And that? - Cotton linens, Egyptian.- Ooh. - What about that?- Oh, I'll go all day. Place settings, candlesticks, crystal stemwarewhich they'll probably never use 'cause it's... crystal stemware. - Okay, how about that?- This... uh... massage oilsand a book on tantra from the wacky aunt. Let's check. - Who's it from?- Aunt Millie. - Yes!- Well, you... you have a gift. I know. Unfortunately my powers onlyapply to useless consumer products. Well, you know, if the police aremissing a Belgian waffle maker you could, um,give 'em a hand. - Claire, we need you for pictures.- Oh, okay. - Who's your friend?- This is John Ryan. Could I just have one moreof the samplers here? - Good.- What have we got? Come back withsome more stuff. That's good, though. Thesebacon-wrapped scallops, phenomenal. Really hit the spot.Unbelievable. Oh, shit.Isn't that the girl you hooked up withat the Andersons' wedding? - Oh, Jesus, I'm smoked.- No, no, don't panic. We're gonna do # from the playbook. Here she comes. Shlomo?I thought you were renouncing all your possessionsand moving to Nepal. Shlomo, don't youremember me? Oh my God,you didn't hear. I'm so sorry. Shlomo had a scubadiving accident. Yeah, he came up too fast, and the oxygendeprivation... poor guy, he doesn't remember anyone,even me, his own brother. I'm just some nice guywho helps him out. You poor thing! He actually can't hear anything either.It's part of the accident. So you're herefor the Clearys' wedding? Oh, yes, yes, but l-I have to leave. - L-I've got a flight to Madrid, but...- Oh, you have to leave? - Yes.- Oh, okay. I could hang outfor a few minutes. Oh, actually,that won't be necessary. Shlomo would nowlike me to take him to the bathroom, and then get himsome crab cakes. So, yeah, no, that's o... okay, okay! Okay,I'm gonna take you to get crab cakes first,then I'll take you to the bathroom. You know what?Here is my number. If there is anythingI can do to help... Have a safe flight.Don't worry about us. We're gonna be fine.We're gonna make it. Doctor. She looked good.I'm gonna give it a shot. How are you gonna call her?She thinks you're deaf. Everyone wants to bea part of a miracle. I turned a corner.She's a part of it. People helping people.It's powerful stuff. God, you're a sick man.You also may be a genius. Okay, so what angleyou gonna play here? I'm gonna go with the balloon-animaldisplay for the kids, and then when she comes close tocheck it out, guess who's a broken man? - Haunted past, that's it.- Haunted past. Excellent. - How about you?- I'm gonna dance with the little flower girl. - It's all deadly.- Yes. I'll see you in a little. Final touch.There it is. One happy elephant.All right. Who elsewants something? I want a bicycle. A bicycle? Well, a bicycle,that would take a lot of balloons and honestly Uncle Jeremy'sa little tired right now so why don't we do something like, uh...let's say a giraffe? I just want a bicycle! Why-why areyou yelling at me? Whatever, make mea bicycle, clown! I'm gonna makeyou a bicycle. But I don't wantto make you a bicycle. Shut your mouth,funny guy, and make it! Let's see how you dowith somebody your own age. I think I'm upto the challenge. All right, will you save mea dance for later? - Maybe.- Okay. Go on, take it, you hyena. Don't say thank you. Hi. You're good. That thing? I'm just warming up.Last week I did a, uh, exact replica of...to scale... of Wrigley Field. - Ha!- Honest to God. - I don't have anywhere to put it.- Okay, then I'll take a sportscar. How about a dance? That's whatI really wanted. So how long have youand the Secretary been married? years next April. Oh, that's beautiful. Yeah, and we werefaithful for two of them. - Hmm?- Enjoy the party. Thanks. Secretary Cleary,John Ryan. - Hi, John.- I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed your position paperon economic expansion in Micronesia. You've readmy position paper? I read it while I wassailing my boat to Bermuda. A sailor? - Good man, take a seat.- Oh, thanks. You didn't happento catch my speech on the Paraguayan debtand money supply issue, did you? Are you kidding me?I thought it was great. Your argumentfor the inverse ratio of capitalizationto debt was genius. Now, if we can just getCongress not to be so shortsighted. Yes! Well put."Shortsighted." John, what do you sayyou and I head out to the deck - and light up a couple of cigars?- Stogies? - Yeah.- Why not? It's just that we lost a lotof really good men out there. I'm sorry. Gloria, I think I gottago get some fresh air. Thank you so much for the danceand it was wonderful to meet you. I wish I were stronger. Jeremy! Jeremy, wait up! - John, you seem like an astute man.- Thank you. Maybe you can helpexplain something to me. You see that young manout there on the dock? - Sure.- That's my son Todd. years old, the whole worldin front of him, every advantage in life, advantages I never had... that's not exactly true. He had the sameadvantages I had, which is a hell of a lotof advantages. So here's my question. What's he got to beso morose about? Maybe he hasn't foundsomething to believe in. Oh, he sayshe believes in art, but all I've seen him do is dribble his own bloodon a canvas and smear it aroundwith a stick! You know, some peoplecall that art. It's crap! Whatever happenedto public service, obligation to our fellow man? Well, maybe he's... maybe he's just tryingto find his own way, his own path, I mean, you casta pretty big shadow. Yeah. Well, perhaps... I should take it easy on him. Perhaps. Death, you aremy bitch lover! Todd, that's good! Tell that mean ocean! Oh, uh... It's a start. So you doveinto the icy water? I mean, why would a manrisk his own life for the lifeof a complete stranger? The great th centuryphilosopher Schopenhauer, he said, at that moment when a human seesanother human in danger, that there's this breaking in of metaphysical awareness. Do you know what thatawareness is, Gloria? - What?- That we're all one. That separateness is an illusion, and that I'm onewith everyone... with the Prime Ministerof England, and my cousin Harry, you and me, the fat kidfrom "What's Happening!" The Olsen twins, Natalie Portman, the guy who wrote"Catcher in the Rye," Nat King Cole, Carrot Top Jay-Z, - Weird Al Yankovic...- Hmm. Harry Potter, if he existed, the whoreon the street corner, your mother... - we're all one.- We are? That my hands areyour hands... Oh... and that my cheek... is really your cheek, and that my lips... ...are my lips. According to Mr. Schopenhauer, they are. Well, the guy wantsto run for President. Oh, so you're hiding, I see. He thinks Moby Dickis a venereal disease. Well, that's what I need.Claire... Sorry to interrupt. - Um, Christina wants to talk to you.- Fun's over. - Yeah.- Funny. - Franklin!- What a great guy. You are a big hitat this wedding. Well, everyone'sso nice. It's easy. - They're all full of shit.- What? Half of these peopleare here because of my dad. They're all just, you know,suckling at the power teat. No no.Come on, they're here because they want to believe they'rein the presence of true love. That's why people come to weddings,'cause they wanna believe in true love. What's true love? True love is your soul's recognitionof its counterpoint in another. Well, it's a little cheesy,but... I like it. Uh, I saw iton a bumper sticker. - So, you gonna give a toast?- Yes. - Nervous?- Mm... little bit. Um... What are you gonna say? Would you? You keep it in your cleavage. Nowhere else to put it. Normally, I'm not verygood at these things, but l-I thinkthis one's pretty good. "I never thought my sisterwould find someone who cared about what other peoplethought as much as she did... - until I met Craig"?- Yes! That's funny! That's funny becauseit's true. You know, people like funny. I know. But the wholefunny-because-it's-true bit only works if the truthis a small thing like "Everyone knows Jennifer likesto shop," Ha ha ha. I think you're better off goingwith something from the heart, honestly. I think that peopleare gonna like this. I think you'regonna hear crickets. - I thing you're wrong.- Sounds of silence. - Nope.- Okay, go walk the plank. - Mmm-mm. I'm sticking to it.- Go ahead. Hey, meet meat the back of the room. I'll be the guy waitingto say "I told you so." Good luck! And so, after my ninth stint in rehab, um, Craig...oh, Craig. Craig was the only onewho still believed in me. Been sober nowfor eight months. And uh... I thank God every day, for sending mea friend like Craig. I love you, man. I never thought thatmy sister would find someone who cared about whatother people thought as much as she diduntil I met Craig. Uh... Um...as you all know, my sister and Craigare both lawyers at big law firmsin New York. But that's not the only thingthey have in common. Um, they both likethe color green like Craig's eyesand money. Um, uh... you know, someoneonce told me that true love is the soul's recognition ofits counterpoint in another. And I think thatthat's a very rare thing in this world. And I think it's somethingto be valued. And I'm just really happythat my big sister's found it. Uh, congratulations, Chris. Ah! That was amazing! It was really great. We should probably head backso they're not lookin' for us. I always knew my first timewould be on a beach. First time? - You were a virgin?- Mm-hmm. Wow. Jeremy, we're gonnabe so happy together. I love you. - I'm sorry?- I love you! - You totally saved me.- No. - Yes.- Claire, come on. Come here. Mm! Oh, baby,you were awesome. - No.- Listen to me, awesome. Okay. Uh, John, this is... this ismy boyfriend, Sack. - Hey, fella.- How you doing? Listen, we've gottago meet the Schreibers. Okay, was great to meet you.Thank you! Boom, I gotcha! Oh, great!Good to see you. I've been looking all over for you.I gotta get outta here pronto, - I've got a Stage Five clinger.- No no, I need more time. Did you hear whatI just said to you? Stage ? Virgin? Clinger?Let's go, I'm gonna start the car. I'm serious, let's go. I don't think that you'reappreciating the urgency here. Not only is she a virgin,she's totally off the reservation. I'm terrified of this broad. - Here you are!- Hey! Gloria, wow! What a coincidence,I was just singing your praises. - This is John Ryan.- Oh, hi. - Yeah.- So my family and a few friends, we're all going back to our little placeon the shore and it would be - so great if you guys came.- Really? - Sounds sort of wonderful.- I am... well it does, it sounds...it sounds very nice. But-but and I'm flatteredthat you would even think of me to include me insomething like that, Gloria. Thank you. It kills me however to have to tell youI'm sorry, I just... timing's no good. - I won't be able to make it.- Why? - It's gonna be so much fun!- It's gonna be so much fun! I'm sure it will be fun for the...for the people that are going. L-I unfortunately can't go.L-I don't have, um... I only have this monkey suit. - I don't have any clothes.- No, we have everything you need. - Problem solved. Problem solved!- The problem's not solved. - The problem's not solved.- Deal us in. Oh, cool cool cool!I'm gonna run and find my dad! Ah! Hey, don't ask your dad!Don't ask your dad! Don't... - The train's going. We gotta get on.- That's true. Why don't... why don't you - just feed me to the lions?- What? - Step on my head when I'm drowning.- What? What a great friend.What do you mean, what? John, this is completelyagainst the rules. You have a wedding and a receptionto seal the deal. Period. - There's no overtime. No!- Oh, no overtime? What about the Chang weddingthree years ago? - Oh, that's bullshit.- Yeah, thought I forgot about that. : A.M., you dragged me miles to watch you and some chick play mah-jong with her grandmotherat a retirement home. Yeah, completelydifferent situation. - How?- What do you mean how? She was a very veryfamily-oriented girl. And she was very into her grandmother.They're very family-oriented. - Give me a break!- That was my first Asian! - You better lock it up.- You better lock it up. - No, you lock it up. Lock it up.- You lock it up. Lock it up. Please! It would meanso much to me, please! Look at the wayhe's looking at me. I can tell he doesn't like me, John.He's the Secretary of the Treasury. And to be honest with you,my taxes aren't exactly in line. Oh, come on,you're being paranoid. He's threatenedby the way I dance. Damn it! Why'd I have togo showin' off like that? Now I'm all overhis radar. Stupid! You're notthat good a dancer. Oh, please! You and I both knowI'm a phenomenal dancer. Now I know you're lyingthrough your teeth! You'll do anythingto get me to go on this thing, even if I have to walkright into the lion's den. Gloria, come on! You know I'm not gonna give into this kind of behavior. She's like a kid at Toys R Us.I can't be around it. Oh, get off your high horse.Stop judging people. You take off the white wig,and you stop judging me. I don't want to be aroundsomeone who's a nut job. - I need some alone time with her.- If you want to hang out with Claire, the boyfriend and Cybill,by all means. I'm not going. Let me lay it out for you in simplechapter and verse: You're going. Let me break it down for you so youunderstand: I'll hold your hand like - a small child. I'm not going.- Yes, you are. You can go if you want. I'm... no,I'm not. No, I'm not. You're gonna be a team playerfor once in your life. - He'd love you to come.- Yes! Yes! Baba ganoush! - What do I do?- Baba ganou! Okay okay.Home sweet home. - You okay?- Yeah. Come here, come here. Are you okay? Because I'm gonna need % of Jeremy this weekend and you're lookinga little weird. She took me below deckfor minutes. I don't have - any bodily fluids left in me.- Gentlemen, everything okay? - Great! Yep.- Great? You know, we were thinking abouta little game of touch football, - you know.- Yeah? - Cleary family tradition.- A little pigskin, why not? - Great.- Don't forget to stretch, guys. We're gonna be on the field in . - Clothes fit.- Ooh. I'm not even gonna say it, but you...you-you know I'm upset. I know you are.I think you look good. You knowI don't look good. Hey, honey! I'm over here! Are you ready?Are you ready for some football? You want the noise brought on you?'Cause here it comes. - The what?- The noise brought on you, - 'cause here it comes.- Just hike the ball, nut job. Ready! Set!Hut! Hut! Hike! One Mississippi, two Mississippi,three Mississippi. - Yes!- Ooh! - Whoo!- Yes! Crab cakes and football! - That's what Maryland does!- Nice one! - A little out of shape?- Yeah. - Way to bring it!- Way to anticipate that rush, man. - No, I just saw you had it.- Hey, shut up! You gotta anticipate that rush. - Cool, no, of course I do.- You did a great job. - What happened, Toast?- I think he's on steroids. It was like trying to covera fuckin' racehorse. - Well, don't worry about it.- Get it up! We'll burn 'em with the post. No no. No, I gota better idea. Look, I want you tofake the post, throw an interception to Claire,get her to feel good, you know? Gets them foamy.You think you can do that? John, I was first team, all-state.I can put the ball wherever I want to. I'll make it rain out here.All right, guys, bring it in. Blue ! Blue ! Red ! - Oh, you're gonna cover me?- Like white on rice. All right, I like my odds here.I'm gonna give you a little warning, - I'm going downtown.- Hot route! Red seven,red seven, red seven! Look for me in the endzone after thisplay, I'll be the guy holding the ball. - John! Red seven!- What? I don't know what "red seven" means.- Hot route! I don't...w-what is "hot route"? Will you just go standon the other side, please? Are you runnin'away from me? - No! I'm just gettin' over here.- You scared? - Down!- Come on! Ready, down, set!Hut! Hut! Hut! Hike! Go, Jeremy! Hey, yo!Hit me! Hit me! Boo-ya! That's what we calla sack lunch! Num-num-num-num-num-num! Ow! Bird. Big tree fall hard, right? How many fingers I got up? Come on,Pepe, how many fingers I got up? Oh, come on, I gotfour. Okay, here's five. Man down!We got a man down! You okay? Hey, is your brother okay? What? Aw, he's fine. I can't breathe. - What's that?- I can't breathe. No no no, I thinkhe's really hurt. Well, serves him rightafter that throw. Hey! Baba ganoush! I don't know... I don't knowwhat got into me, Secretary, I just... I do. Five generationsof Lodge family breeding. - Your father used to pull...- I can't breathe. I can't breathe. - The same stunt when we were your age.- I can't breathe. - Is that right?- You okay? Great!You threw it perfectly! Come on, get up! - Don't oversell it.- I'm not selling anything. Come on, stop milking it. You makeus look like a bunch of pussies. Jeremy!Sit this play out. Todd, come on in. You must be joking. It wouldn't kill you to playsome competitive sports once in a while, would it? Well, would thatmake you love me? Pfft. Jesus. Hey, Jeremy,red moon dog - ! -teen! Hut one! Hut two! Blitz! Jeremy! Hoo-ah! Oh! - Oh.- That looked like it hurt. - I got you!- No, you didn't! - You're cheating! Oh my God.- You're cheating! - The only...- Your brother, he's down again. What is his deal? L... I don't know what's gettinginto me today, guys. It's just... Nature versus nurture, Lodge.Nature always wins. What are you doing?It's a game of touch. Every time I look over,you're on your ass again. If I had any air in my lungs,I'd scream at you! Oh, now you'regonna blame me? 'Cause you're not athleticenough to stay on your two feet? I hate you. Let's takea daiquiri time-out. Daiquiris. Oh! Sweetheart, why don't you take himinto the house and fix him up? - Sure, Mom.- Oh, don't baby him, - it just makes it worse.- Oh! My back hurts. Oh, great.Game's over. Satisfied? You got everyone on you now?Get all the attention. - It's hot out here.- Yeah, it is. You should have playedin your underwear. I'll get you a drink. Oh, Jesus Christ.It burns. - Oh! Poor baby.- It stings. Oh, Jesus. You want meto blow on it? No. No no no.No no no. No, I don't need any blowing.I'm good, I'm good. - I'm... thank you.- Jeremy, I'm not wearing any panties. - Oh. Yeah.- That's right. - Ooh, ah, oh!- Um, uh, okay. That's fun. That's nice. Uh, yeah,that's fun, yeah. That's fun. Okay, Gloria,could you just stop for... That's funny,that's funny, - that's funny.- Ahem. Don't you worry,Miss Gloria. - Mum's the word.- Thank you, Randolph. A little more discreet,though, okay? Jesus Christ. Don't worry,he won't say anything. Okay, I'm a little confused. Just like eight hours agoyou were a shy little virgin, and now you're not wearing anypanties. I'm just trying to... - to catch up with you here.- You do that to me. Ooh. - Where's my little friend?- I do what... no no no. - Where's my little friend?- He's tired. He's tired. - Where's my little friend?- He's in time-out. He's in time-out.Gloria, please! I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted.I've had a very long day. Dry hump me up and downthe field all afternoon. My leg's cut and bleeding. I'm just...I'm not really in the mood for this. Ow! Jesus Christ! My father warned me aboutpeople like you, Jeremy. I'm just anothernotch on your belt! Wha... this is not like that.What are you talk... it's not like that! Really?! Then what'sit like, Jeremy, huh? - Ow! Ow! No! Wait! Wait!- Huh?! It's just that I'mfeeling very strongly that we're only startingto express ourselves in a physical,sexual-specifically way. That's it! Wait! And I'd like to play some catch-up onfinding out who's inside here. Okay? Jeremy. - Jeremy, you're amazing!- Oh God, I think you're amazing. - Oh my God, don't ever leave me.- Ever. Good! 'Cause I'd find you. Yeah. Of course like all kids, I hadimaginary friends, but not just one. I had hundreds and hundreds and allof them from different backgrounds who spoke different languages.And one of them, whose name was Caleb, he spoke a magical languagethat only I could understand. Get him all patched up? I sure did, Daddy. Gloria bug. You go change for dinner. Okay. You know, she's not justanother notch on the old belt. I don't even weara belt. Beltless. I'm a very powerful man. Yes, you are. See you for dinner. So, I am President of theEnvironment Defense League. And I pick up this little sea otter... ...and... and... and... wipe offthe oil from the tanker spill. All right, you gotta step this upalready. I'm gonna give you - the damn eyedrops.- No, I don't want 'em. - It's too hardcore.- Well, do you want to be alone - with her or not?- Yes. Put a few of these in his drink andhe'll be going down on toilet seat - for the next hours.- I don't want to do it. I can beat this guy.Let's be honorable for once. And the whiskers. And the oil's... the oil'sflapping, he goes... - Give me the eyedrops.- Thank you. Perfect. Let us bow ourheads in prayer. Heavenly Father, we thank You for Thybounty on this table and ask that You blessthe entire Cleary family and all the friendshere assembled. - Amen.- Amen. - Mm. Oh, these scallops look fantastic.- I, uh... I bought them from an organic scallop farm right offthe coast of, uh, Nattachoke. Actually, Sack got the Governorto subsidize part of the project. And now it's the state's onlyself-sustaining scallop farm. Say that five times, fast.You can't do it. Self-sustaining... They actually look terrific.Maybe I'll actually try some when I get the sensationback in my face - from the, uh... football game.- Again, Jeremy, I'm sorry. I just, you know, I havethis damn competitive streak. Um... I'm seeinga Buddhist about it. Not just any Buddhist. His Holiness,the Dalai Lama. He's a good friend. Stop traffic. Because whenI go back to town, I'm actually gonnasee an orthopedist about what you did to my back.And not just any orthopedist, I'm gonna see a Dr. Epsteinwho specializes in... Hey, Sack, how long have youand Claire been seeing each other? Claire and I? Um, what's it been,sweetheart? A couple years? Three and a half. Yeah, um, actually, we starteddating while we were doing - Habitat for Humanity.- Sure. Pretty soon...we'll be getting married. Yep. Well, not too soon, um... We still have a lot of thingsthat we want to accomplish. Anyway, once Claireand Sack tie the knot, two of the great American families,the Clearys and the Lodges, - will finally unite.- Hear, hear. And then of course, you canchallenge the Klingons for interstellardomination, right? Jeremy... I saw youon the dance floor. You move pretty good. Oh. Thanks a lot. L... really just got lucky. I was more in the zonethan anything else. It wasthe booze dancing. Sorry guys, I forgot. How are you guys connectedto the family again? Uncle Ned's kids. You know...Uncle Ned? Aunt Liz's brother.Ned and Liz. Hmm. No, I don't know. So, Jeremy, you and your brother areventure capitalists. - That's right.- That's great. Venture capitalist.The backbone of the system. - It's the new pioneer.- New pioneer. So is it justabout the money? No no, it's about, investing in companies thatare ethically and morally defensible. Well, like what?Give me an example. Like what? Well, there's the companythat we have where we're taking the... the fur or the woolfrom sheep and we turn it into threadfor homeless people to sew. And then they make it into cloth,which they in turn sew then, um... make some shirtsand pants for other homeless people to sell.It's a pretty good deal. - People... people helping people.- Yeah. That's... that's very admirable. Thank you. Although, don't make meout to be a saint just yet. We do turn a small profit. After all, someonehas to pay for the, uh, lap dances forthe big guy here. Oh! He's joking around.It feels so good when he jokes. What's this, uh,company called? - Holy sh...- Shirts & Pants. Holy Shirts & Pants. It's a little cornyand obvious, but what do you getout of being subtle, right? Well, that's a hellof a good project. I'm gonna mention somethingto the Commerce Secretary. That would be terrific.That would be great, huh? Terrific,it was terrific. Isn't my Willy doing a wonderful jobthere in Washington? - Mommy.- You know, Willy's father, my husband was the Secretary of State for PresidentFranklin Roosevelt. That must have beenso thrilling... FDR. My gosh, FDR wasa wonderful President. He was a doll. The wife, though,Eleanor... - big dyke!- Oh Lord. Huge dyke!A real rug muncher! Looked likea big lesbian mule. Grandma, you can't talklike that, okay? It's not right. Somebody... somebody get meanother Scotch for Christ sakes! I think I'mgonna go to bed. Honey, are you okay? Oh, yeah, I'm fine. You know,I'm just a little tired. Thanks. - Okay.- You all right? Oh, yeah. Yeah. What an athlete.A tremendous competitor. I know. Todd, I noticed that you haven't eventouched your food yet. - I don't eat meat or fish.- He's a homo. Mommy, let's notgo there again. Actually, um, Toddis an amazing painter. He's going to the Rhode IslandSchool of Design. Oh, that's a great school.Congratulations, Todd. That's reallyimpressive, "Rizdee." Yeah, Dad... Dad used to thinkI'd be a political liability, you know, in casehe ever ran for President. Now, Todd!Actually, truth be told, polling shows a majorityof the American people would ultimately empathizewith our situation. - What is our situation, Dad?!- You're a homo. Oh, for God sakes, William,put Mommy to bed already. Okay. Mommy,we've had a long day. I can do it myself, asshole. Wow. I'll be in my room painting. Homo things. You just goright ahead, Toddy. - Mmm, wonderful scallops.- Absolutely. Wonderful. You know, um... I think I'mgonna get some air. Oh, I'll get some airif you want some company. - Sure.- Let me just change my shoes. - Excuse me.- All right. I'm gonna... can't walk away from the delicious foodthat we got here. I just had my tits done. You like 'em? Those... seem like lovely tits. William doesn't givea shit about my tits. Well, darn him. But Mrs. Cleary,this is pretty sudden. You've been playing cat and mousewith me ever since you came here. - Mrs. Cleary, I don't...- Call me Cat. Okay, Cat... Call me Kitty Cat. Okay, Kitty Cat, this feels borderlineinappropriate, and... - Feel them.- What? - I said feel them.- Mrs. Cleary... Kitty Cat. I'm sorry, Kitty Cat.Are you out of your fucking mind? I'm not lettingyou out of this room until you feel them. Wow, they feel really nice.Real orb-like. Pervert. Mom make youfeel her tits? Did you say something, Todd? Mom make you feel her tits? Todd, where are yougoing with this? Just don't... don't say anythingto my dad, though. Some friendof my sister's... and she said something to my dada couple of years ago... he now livesin a shack in Guam. Not by choice. Stop kidding with me, Todd. You almost had me,come on. - John, I need to talk to you.- No, not right now. What's wrong with you? Why you gotthe weird look all over your face? Claire's mom just mademe grab her hooters. Well, snap out of it!What? A hot, older woman made you feel her cans?Stop crying like a little girl. I wasn't cryinglike a little girl. Why don't you try getting jacked off underthe table in front of the whole damn family and havesome real problems? Jackass. What were they like, anyway?They look pretty good. Are they real? Are they built for speed or for comfort?What you do with 'em? Motorboat? You play the motorboat?Ppppt! You motorboatin' son of a bitch.You old sailor, you! Where is she?She still in the house? What iswrong with you? What do you mean what's wrong with...what's wrong with you? - No, what's wrong with you?- No, what's wrong with you? - You're projecting.- Drop it. You drop it!You stop projecting on me. Why don't you go enjoy yourself whileI go ice my balls and spit up blood? - Drop it!- "Team player." Ahem. Oh, Mr. President! What do you want? You're in my room. Oh, dear. Well, I'm too drunk to walk, so carry me to my room. Carry you... sure. You banging the daughterand the grandma? How much jamyou got, man? - Jam? L...- Listen, man, the family doglives downstairs. I can wake him up for you, if you like.His name is Snooky. You could not be more wrongabout what's happen... Just be gentlewith her, okay? She be pushing ! Jesus Christ. Hey! Good thingI didn't hold my breath. Yeah, I'm sorry,I just, uh... Sorry I'm late, I just... You okay? No no, I'm fine, I just... - I just got, uh, held up.- Hmm. My family's a little strange. A little strange? Come on. Claire. Your family...are totally nuts. - And guess what?- What? - I love it.- You do? - Yeah, it seems great.- Really? - Yes!- I get a little self-conscious. It's a family!You're mixing it up. You got the sweet littlegrandma who's really sweet with her, like, little, like,white hair, but then she's kinda mean. But you're like,"Well, fuck it, she's so old, and she's notgonna change now." - Oh.- Shit, it was great! I just hope I didn't embarrass myselfwith that stupid joke I told. Are you kidding?That was so funny! - No, really? Really?- Yeah! Yeah, you're like that crazy guest who thinks he's partof the family already, it's... Doesn't sound that great.That sounds horrible. - No, it's cute.- The crazy guest who thinks he's like a part of the family who's gonna sayinappropriate stuff? What is that? - Yeah. You know, you break the ice.- Yeah. It can be so stuffy sometimes in there. Claire? - Yeah?- There you are. Have you checked on Sack?I think he's pretty sick. - Oh, really?- Yeah. Okay. Yeah.No, I'll be right in. Um, I should...I should go check on him. Yeah, sure, okay.Yeah, we'll take a walk some other time. Claire. Mm-hmm? I'Il... I'll talk to you later. Okay. Oh no. Are you okay? Well, Claire, um... my head's buriedin a toilet. What do you think?Why don't you do the math, okay? Honey, it's okay to be vulnerablesometimes. It's just me. Yeah, you can just cut that psychobabblebullshit that your mom tells you, okay? - Right.- Hey, you wanna help me out? Do ya? Do ya, kid?Why don't you go get me a -Up, okay? All right,'cause I think I'm... I think I mightget vulnerable again. What the f... fuckis going on? Shh, shh, shh!You'll wake my dad. Baby, I started thinkingabout what you said before and I think the problem is I am notbeing adventurous enough for you! Gloria, I am pretty sure that is notwhat I've been saying to you. Shh!Baby... I'm gonna make allyour fantasies come true. But this is not fant... I love you. Till I drive you away I knowwhat you'll say You say oh Someone you know But I promise you this I'll alwayslook out for you Yeah, that'swhat I'll do I say oh Oh-oh I say oh Oh-oh-oh I saw sparks Yeah, I saw sparks I saw sparks Yeah, I saw sparks I saw them La la la. Gloria,go to sleep, honey. It's not Gloria. Jesus Christ! We had a moment atthe dinner table, didn't we? No. No, we did not havea moment at the dinner table. Yes! We had a moment. I was right there. Todd, I would havenoticed if there was a moment. - There was no moment.- I made you a painting. What? I call the painting"Celebration." It's sexual and violent. I thought you might like it. No. - Hide! You gotta hide! Yes.- No. They need to know about us. - It's okay.- No no no no. Hide hide hide! Please please please. You gotta hide, you gotta hide!Not there. Not there! I'm not comfortable...I'm not comfortable with that! - Let's play tummy sticks!- What's tummy sticks? I don't want to play tummy sticks!Get in the closet. It's okay, I was whereyou were a year ago. Get in the fucking closet right now!You go get in the closet! You go get in the closet!You go get in the closet! You go get in the closet!You go get in the closet! Go! I'll pop outat the right moment. No, you will not! Everything okay in here?I thought I heard something. I was justhaving a bad dream. Oh. I know about bad dreams. You know, Todd... screams at night sometimes. You know, the doctorscall it night terrors. I don't know. Hmm? Oh. Okay, then. Sleep well. There's nothingterrifying about the night. Now, listen, if you let mego to bed and get some sleep then l... we cantalk tomorrow. You won'tmake time for me. If I get my sleepI'll have to... I'Il... I'll love to make time and talk about,uh, uh, different things. Like paintings. Can't wait for tomorrow when I got energyand I can really share some stuff. Okay. - Oh, it's gonna be great.- You sleep. Mmm. Okay.That was nice. That was nice! Pleaselet me just sleep. I can't takethis fuckin' shit anymore! There he is!It's the big guy! Get in here. Wait till you see the spread.Anything you want. Yeah, well, getwhat you want to go. The ferry leaves in minutes.We gotta get outta here. Whoa, what's your problem?Have some of this stuff. I didn't get a lot of sleeplast night, John. I'm fried. - Soft mattress?- Yeah, that could've been it. It could have been the soft mattress.Or, it could've been the midnight rape... or the nude, gay artshow that took place in my room... one of those probably addedto the lack of sleep... Try one of these scones,you're gonna love 'em. I'm a little traumatizedto have a scone. Let's move. Will you slow down for a second?The whole eyedrop thing backfired. Okay? It didn't work. She had toleave me and go attend to him. Why are you lookingat me like that? You're fallingfor this broad. No! I just met her. Exactly.I'm gonna go. - You can't go.- Watch me. Watch me take thison down the road. If you leave, Gloria is gonna freak outand throw a shit fit, and it's gonna go into crisis lockdownmode here at the house. I don't givea baker's fuck! I just had my own sock duct-tapedinto my mouth last night! - Whoa, what?- Yeah, the sock that I wore around all day, playin' football in,pouring sweat in, was shoved into my mouth,and there was duct tape over it! Well, let's talk about it.I'm a good listener. I'm not in a place to discusswhat happened. Okay? I felt like Jodie Fosterin "The Accused" last night. I'm gonna go home,see Dr. Finkelstein and I'm gonna tell him...we got a whole new bag of issues, we can forget aboutMom for a while. I'm gonna go. Suit yourself. Rule # . Rule # : Never leavea fellow crasher behind. - I can't believe how selfish you are.- I need you. A friend in need is a pest. I'll stick it out with youbecause you're desperate. - I need the big guy.- I'm gonna try to give you a little bit more time,because somebody can't close. - Fair enough.- But if you want my help, you gotta listen. Number one:Stop being a pussy. Number two:Make a move. Number three... you know it. Could you pop the syrup for me?Just as a top off? Here's what'sgonna happen, Tonto. Kimosabe's gonna havesome flavor, - I'm gonna choose not to eat with you.- We're not gonna eat together? No. I like to rechargemy batteries, and shut down the engines,and get myself back to neutral. When the meal's over with,I will talk to you. I don't want to getinto what happened last night, 'cause it's only gonna make me mad.Let's get through today, let's keep our eyeon the prize, let's focus, - and let's close some ass.- Noted. Can I tell you somethingwithout you getting angry? I love you. Yeah, you, big guy. I love you too. Hello. - Trapster, it's Sack.- Sackmaster! - How was the wedding?- Oh, it was boring, you know, but the bachelor party,of course, rocked. We got Heidi a coupleof those fucking sluts from the environmentalgroup, remember them? No way!Did you tap that again? Once at my place,then once back in the cab. Damn! Sluts! Oh, how's Claire? Still trying to figure outwhat she's doing with her life? Claire? She's, you know,whatever, I don't know. She's saving the worldone maladjusted kid at a time. But that'll all changewhen we're married, 'cause I want a wife.I don't want a fucking martyr, right? I hear that, my friend. Hey, man, listen,l-l-l-I got... do you rememberthat private detective we used to set up that fuckingShearson Lehman prick? The big sleazy, Tommy Gufano.He's a wop genius. Yes. I need you to get some dirton these two guys John and Jeremy Ryan.They're brothers from New Hampshire. They got some sort of N.P.O. Called"Holy Shirts & Pants." - I will check into them.- Excellent, bro. - You da man!- Take it easy. Where's Sack? Oh, he's... he's stillnot feeling very well. Well then, "The Woodwind"takes off without him. - John my boy.- Yes? We're tacking back round. Do me a favor,ease the sheets, swing the jibstarboard. Okay, let me... Okay. One minute. - Hi. How's it going?- Hi. Oh, just swinging the jibhere for your dad. Starboard. Trying to get it over hereand crease the sheet. Um, but starboard'sthis way. - Oh, that's right. What am l...- Yeah. - What am I thinking?- I'll help. - Okay.- Hang on, hang on. - Watch the jib boom.- Oh. All right, push it.Push it this way. Oh, yeah.Yeah, this is better. - Come on, use some muscle.- There we go. All right, that's good.Done. Done. You know, I'm used to sailingdown under with the Kiwis, so everythingis backwards. Even the toilets...when you flush them, the water spinsthe opposite way. Really freaks you outthe first time you see it. John my boy, come on up here. Man "The Woodwind"for a while. On my way. Hey, your dad was tellingme about a great beach near here that maybe we couldcheck out if you have any interestwhen we get back. Yeah. Great. Okay, it can getconfusing up here. If you have a problem,just give me a call. Thank you. Thanks. Now how would oneget to this Sook's Bend? Actually, it would bea really nice bike ride. Everything's readyfor the quail hunt! For the quail hunt? Yeah. It's a... it'sa Cleary family tradition. Well, I think you might haveto deal me out on this, - 'cause we were gonna...- Nonsense, I insist. John, you gotta go! You're gonnalove it! You're gonna love it! Sack, honey, um, you're a little bitsick for hunting. Oh, no, I'm great!Honey, I'm great! Oh, I'm going!Right? Right? Okay. You're going. - So, I guess I'll see you later.- See you later. Just take it easy, okay? - Okay.- Okay. Mr. Environmentalis also a-a hunter. It's kind of an interestingcombination. I hunt quail, Jeremy! They're overpopulated in thisregion and they're decimating the grub worm population.You got a fucking problem with that?! Not nearly as much as I do with the,uh, attire that you have on, or just your general point of viewtowards everybody. But let's go kill some birds.I'm psyched. Have you even shotone of these things before? The whole yearswe've known each other, I've been sneaking off to go on littlehunting trips around the world. No, I don't even knowwhat the fuck a quail is! I feel totally ridiculous.Like why do I have to be in camouflage? So the big bad quaildoesn't see me? I know. It's like, why can't wehunt something cool like a hawk, or an eagle, or somethingwith some talons? That'd be awesome. You mean, somethinglike big game even like a gorilla... Yeah. Gorilla! - Or rhinoceros...- Rhino! Or a fucking human being?That'll get you jacked up. That's a little heavy. I mean, like... you're huntinga human being right now, the most dangerous game. Like a worthy adversary.Not a human being that's armed... - Oh, if he wasn't armed....but a clever... a clever human being - who knows the jungle, or the woods.- Or like a bad guy. There's something not rightabout these guys. What do you mean? - I mean, it's time to send them home.- Sack, don't do anything crazy. Just relax, I'm just gonnascare them a little bit. All right. To the right! - They got me!- Oh, shit. - They got me!- Oh, shit. Jesus! - You okay, buddy?- Oh, don't "okay, buddy" me. Look, we just came by to saywe're gonna take a little bike ride and then we're gonna come backand check up on you. And take care of him, okay? I want youto get my little angel up and running. - Hang in there.- I hope you flip your bike over and knock your two front teeth out,you selfish son of a bitch! You leave me in the trenchestaking grenades, John! In the summertimewhen the weather is hot You can stretch right upand touch the sky When the weather's fineyou got women You got women on your mind Have a drink, have a drive Go out and seewhat you can find We're no threat, people We're not dirty,we're not mean We love everybody, but we do as weplease, when the weather's fine We go fishing or go sailingin the sea We're always happy Life's for livin',yeah, that's our philosophy... - Tough luck, Ralphie boy...- Randolph. Shh. I'm watchingmy stories, man. Is that whatyou get paid to do? It's exactly what I getpaid to do. Look, I want to knowwhere Claire is. She took a bike ridedown to the beach. With who? With that fellowfrom the wedding that everyone seemsto be so fond of. So you're a venturecapitalist? What does that mean? Oh, it's really not thatinteresting, actually. You don't soundvery enthused. Oh, no, it's just... you know, thingsstarted happening and you go down a roadand you think it's justfor a little while. And then you getcaught up in it and you'rekind of into it and just don'teven have time to really ask questions about it.And before you know it you're living a life that you didn't setout to, or that you intended to. Do you knowwhat I mean? Yes, I do. I think that there'ssome great things that I'd like to do, that-that maybe I'mcapable of, hopefully. Oh, yeah?Like what? I don't know. We'll see.I'm still young. Well... you're notthat young. I'm sorry. Give me your hands. I know this game.Okay. I'm not gonna bite you. Do you want it full speedor half speed? Full. You're never gonna hit me,I don't think. I'm pretty quick. What? - Let me get settled before you go.- You didn't approve of that? No, becauseyou're supposed to... You gotta waituntil I put them back! Come on! So what about you...with Sack? Is that a good thing? Yes, I think it'sa... good thing. You don't soundvery enthused. I am. L... well, I mean,I think I am, l... I'm... Okay. I g... you know,we've just been talking so muchabout the future lately and, uh... I mean, I always assumedthat we would get married. But, uh... I'm scared. I am. But I think thatthat's how everyone feels before they're about to get married.I mean, don't you think? Yeah, no.Don't answer that. That's my rationalizationand I'm sticking to it. Fair enough. And I don't mean to pry. Yes you do. Well, however it works out,I hope you... uh, I hope you realize that you deservesomebody great. I have an announcement. I know that we saidwe were gonna wait, but, uh, given the spiritof this weekend well... Claire, come on. Come on.Come on come on, it's okay. Come on! Come on. Claire and I aregetting married. Good, Sack.That's wonderful! - Wonderful.- Wonderful! Way to go, man!Way to go! Claire bear,you never told me! Two of the greatAmerican families. - Claire, you took us all by surprise!- Yeah. - Yeah.- You're good! You're good! Can-can you justgive me one minute? - Yeah!- Okay. Great. Congratulations,young man! - Welcome to the family!- This is wonderful! Look, kid, I'm sorry.You win some, you lose some, right? - Let's go home.- No, I'm not... - I can't... I can't do that.- What are you talking about? Look, l-I thinkI'm in love with her. Yeah, l-l-I think...I think that you're nuts. That's what I think. I'm gonna tell herthe truth. Jesus Christ! - Hey.- Hey! How are you! Okay, listen, Gloria,you know that I think that you're an amazing person,a really amazing person, but I feel like I haveto be upfront with you. L-l-I really don't see this relationshipgoing further than this weekend. But I love you! Yeah, I think you'll learnas time goes on that there's a difference between infatuationand love, you know? Obviously, you're gonna havestrong feelings for me because you lostyour virginity to me, - but that doesn't mean...- Oh, I wasn't a virgin. - What?- I wasn't a virgin. Far from it. I just thought that that's what guyswanted to hear. Come on. Jeremy! Wow! Hello, son. - You okay?- Not now, Father, please. No offense to you, I think we might beon different wavelengths. I think you'd just bespinning your wheels with me, but, uh, have a littleof the sacrament here. No one likes to drink alone.We'll set you up. There you go, get your hands on it.Take it while it's hot. Take it while it's hot. I'm gonna pourtill it's on the tray. Here it is. Can I ask youa question, Father? Do you ever get horny? I'm sure you do.I just... in your position you're not... right?Isn't that you're not allowed to... sleep with anybody, right? Does that gettough sometimes? You ever pullon yourself, or... No. Everything works?Do you get swelled up still? Yeah, of course. - Well, what do you do?- You pray. Yeah, I pray, too,you know what I mean? I mean, I believedthat she was a virgin. It hurts to be liedto like that. It's a horrible feelingto feel that way. But I, you know, was lookingto take advantage of something, too. So could I reallyfeel that bad? It's not like I was who I was.You know what I'm saying? So, fair play. And let's be honestwith each other here, okay? Let's put all the cards on the table.She's fit for a straitjacket. This broad's fuckedthree ways towards the weekend. And you wanna know what?I dig it! It turns me on! Yeah!It turns me on! Because you wanna knowwhat the kicker is, Father? Maybe I'm a littlefucking crazy! That's right!Maybe Jeremy's a little nuts. Maybe there's something about methat I'm a little cuckoo. I know it's a surprise.I know it's not on the surface. I mean, I had an imaginary friendwhen I was a kid. His name was Shilo! We used to play checkerswith each other every day, and bless his heart,Shilo'd always let me win! And that ain't normal!There's something odd in that, but maybe that's what it takesto make you feel like you're connected with somebody.I don't know! But I know when that redheadstarts getting kooky that something about mefeels alive inside! I'm diggin' talkin' with ya.You're a really enlightened cat and I like that about ya.I think you're a special special man. Okay, come infor the real thing. - Mmm? Mmm?- Get in here for the real thing. I love ya.You're a sweet man. Oh, dear God. You can't marry this guy. Why? Because I've fallenfor you. Oh, good newstravels fast. Excuse me. Sorry, thanks.Thanks. Trapster, talk to me. No shit. And do you maybe feelthe same way? Maybe. Maybe. That's allI needed to know. But this is crazy,because I don't know any... - Why?- I don't know anything about you! - What do you mean?- You do investments in New Hampshire and you have a crazy brother... Well, actually, I need to talk to you aboutthat. It's not a big deal, but maybe you wantto sit back on the swing. Run! Johnny! She's tryingto kill me! - Grandma!- Whoa whoa! - Get the gun from her!- Put the gun down! - Mother, stop!- This is the real world, lady! You can't just goshooting people on a whim! - What did you do?- I told you that in confidence! - That was a confession!- What are you talking about? Why don't youtell her, John? - I don't know what's going on.- You don't know? - I'm playing catch up, too.- I don't... - Sack, what are you doing?!- Remembering yet? - You remember yet?- Are you okay? They're not who they saythey are, Claire. - Those aren't even their real names.- What?! No, everything he told youis a lie. L-I don't understandwhat you're saying. Claire, they crash weddings. They crash weddingsso that they can sleep with girls. Everything that they have told usis a complete fabrication. No, you're joking. All of it is a lie.Don't you fucking get up. - Sack, will you just stop?!- Okay okay. Is that true? No, well, no, it's...not entirely. No, it's a yes or noquestion. I know,but it's complicated. Yes or no? Yes or no? Yes... - with shades of grey.- Oh. I'm not perfect, but who are we kidding?Neither are you. And you wanna know what?I dig it! Jeremy triedto seduce me! You did? I want mypainting back. The painting wasa gift, Todd. I'm taking it with me. You had me going, son. I thought it wassomething special. There's a ferryleaving in minutes. I suggestyou be on it. Come on, let's go. I want you. I love you. He made a foolout of you, Claire. Come on, let's go. Sweetheart. Now bunch those panties upinto a little ball. Put that little ballright in your mouth. - Oh, that's good.- Hang up the phone. Okay, and I will definitely call youback later then. - Come on, wrap it up.- Talk to you soon. Thank you, Larry. What the fuck?You can't knock anymore? - I know how I can get to her.- What? I know how I canget to Claire. Oh, John, you gottadrop this thing. I'm... I can't do thisanymore with you, okay? It's been several months,and you haven't heard anything from her. She hasn't returnedyour phone calls, she's never respondedto one of your letters, - she didn't respond to the candygram.- Right. God knows what happenedto the little kitten that you got her. Because she didn't keep it and I knowyou're not raising that goddamn thing. - Okay.- I think it's very obvious at this juncture that she just flat outdoes not wanna see you. I disagree. Now look, they're havingthe engagement party for her tonight at the beach club.We're going at : . I'm not g...John, I can't... Okay okay, listen to me,Tasmanian devil. - Listen to me. I can't go.- Why? 'Cause I can't go, because I havea schedule. Because I have... What is your deal?What is your problem? For the past couple of monthsyou've been a ghost. I can't find you anyplace,and now I come to you with an idea, I put myself on the line,you shoot it down with your negativity. Your goddamn negativity!I don't need it! I'm an idea man. I thrive on enthusiasm. Don't takethe wind out of my sails. I need you. Buddy, you knowI love you, and I hate to see youlike this, but we gotta lookat reality here. There's gonna be Secret Serviceat this thing. They have pictures of us. There's not a shot in hellwe can get into this thing. You're so cautious.I'm more of a risk taker. I'm two steps ahead of youand steps ahead of Secret Service. Oh, yeah. extra long,baba ganoush special. We're waiters! Buddy, for your own good,you gotta let this thing go. Now, I'm gonnameet you there at : okay? Okay. - Hey, how do I look?- Good, man. - Good.- Where's your friend? Late, as usual.Is Claire... - Oh, she's looking fine!- Okay. Next thing you knowthey pick me up, put me on the topof this mountain and they start chanting,and I realized they thought I was God! And I'll tell you something,I thought I was too. Claire. Let's dance. You! Okay, Sackmaster, one more.We should get back to the bar. You're right. You get nearmy fiancée again, I'll kill ya. Did you check outthe rack on that bartender? Hey, you're the Sack.She'll come to you. Oh my God, yeah, she will.You're right. Hey! Everyone who's anyonewas there... - God damn it.- They all had something to share About so-and-soand on and on I'm in the cornerspeechless... Perfect. Johnny, wait a second. Come on, John! Oh, what time is it? John, will you wait a secondso I can talk to you? Hold on, man. Will you stop? Stop...I'm not gonna chase you down the wholefucking street, man. Hold on a second.Let me talk to you for a second here. About what?About how you left me high and dry - to get my ass kicked by Sack again?- Sack did that to you? And how long have you beensneaking around with Gloria - behind my back?- I wanted to tell you about Gloria. I tried to.I didn't know how. And I'm sorry that you hadto find out this way. I'll level with you. I care about her a lot. I love her. What?! You're unbelievable!Judas! Rule # .You're an idiot. You're wrong to pull outthe rulebook on this. There was never any rules about this.What's the rule about walking away? Never walk awayon a crasher in a funny jacket. Rule # . You're an asshole. I'm awake You're still sleeping The sun will rise Like yesterday Everything That we are now Is everything We can't let go It's gone forever... This is John. Whatever. Hey, John, it's Jeremy. Uh, just calling to seewhat you're up to, uh... would love to hearback from you, man. Play sharp. And we'll do the weddingin peaches and apricots. Even though it's a June wedding,should the weather turn nasty, warm colors willreally help you. Don't you go away tomorrow... Johnny. Johnny, open up, man. Does anyone ever feellike they're just... disappearing? I feel so muchlike giving up. Yeah! Get it?! Put your hands outlike this. - Claire.- Please. Hi.Thanks for coming. - Hey!- Get off her, man! What are you doing? You're supposedto move your hands. You're not gettingenough attention? Love doesn't exist! That's what I'm tryingto tell you guys. And I'm notpicking on love, 'cause I don't thinkfriendship exists either. Hey! Yeah! Are you okay?Get up, buddy. Move it on. Gloria, I've been doing a lotof soul-searching lately, and l-I thinkthat I'm ready to take, um,this relationship, our relationshipto the next level. To what the next levelof the... of the... of the relationshipwould be. - Jeremy!- Is that good? I'm so ready to takeit to the next level too. Do you want to watch mewith a girl? What about those Brazilian twinswe met at the ballgame? L-I was... I was...I was thinking more along the lines of an... of an...of an engagement. But that sounds terrific.That sounds... that sounds unbelievable. The Brazilian girls were very nice.They seemed like... Oh, Jeremy, I do! - I love you.- I love you. L-I can't believe thatthey're getting married. I mean don't you-you thinkthat's really soon? Well, you know Gloria.She's impetuous. Has to have what she wantswhen she wants it. Well, we had to give hera Sweet on her th birthday.You remember that. Yeah, I remember,but this is... Dad, this is marriage! When you know what you want,you know what you want. So... which of thesedo you like? Um... well, I could... I could go with the talltapered arrangement with, uh, tulipsand freesias and orchids, or I could gowith a votive of roses and lilies,I don't know. - Claire bear.- Yeah? What's wrong? Look... we have no wayof knowing what lays ahead for usin the future. All we can do is use the informationat hand to make the bestdecision possible. It's gonna be fine. - Your whole life is gonna be fine.- Yeah. Happy birthday. Can't let a little pissing and moaningbreak tradition. Oh right,that's today. I see you've been gettinginto a little light reading. That's not mine.I bought that for a friend. Yeah. So how have you been? - Great. Really spectacular.- Good. - What have you been up to?- Eh, you know, this and that.Crashing weddings. - Alone?- No, not alone. Well, who have you beencrashing with then? Chaz. - Chaz?- Chaz. - John, you don't even know Chaz...- Yes, I do. He's a great guy.We've been having a ball together. All right, look,I wanted to come by here and tell you that I feel really bad about everything that's happenedbetween us. Your friendship meansa lot to me. I miss seeing you. I know, l... look, I'm...I'm happy for you. I'm gladyou found someone. I can't tell youhow glad it makes me to hear yousay that, man. Get on in here,let the big bear get his paws on you.You know I love you. - It's good to see you.- Good to see you. Are you sure you've been...this does not look like a guy - who's been okay.- Oh, I know. - It's like a pigsty.- It's like a mosh pit in here. Listen,I'm getting married. - Get out.- What? You just sat there and said that youwere happy for me, that I'm... I'm hanging by a thread.I'm reading don't-kill-myself books. - You said that the book wasn't yours.- Don't worry about the book. It isn't mine,but I glanced at it. John, you've beenmy friend for years.I'm getting married. I need you thereto be my best man. Kindly leave! - I'm try...- Kindly leave. Would mean a lot to meif you came. Oh, I bet it would,hillbilly. What?! - White trash!- What are you talking about? Out! Out! You better get your assto that wedding. - Yeah?- Hi, is Chaz here? Chaz, there's someonehere to see you! Pick up yourfucking skateboard! Chaz? What the fuckdo you want? I'm John Beckwith. I'm friendswith Jeremy Grey. God damn it,why didn't you say so? Come here, brother!Give me a hug. Bring it infor the real thing! Have a seat. Yeah. God damn you! I almost numbchucked you,you don't even realize. Ouch! - Yeah.- Hmm. - Is this your place?- No. No no no no no. - No, I live with my Ma.- Oh. Yeah. You hungry? Hey, Ma! Can we getsome meatloaf? Chaz, I think I'm okay.I had a bite - right before I came over. Thank you.- You sure? - So, how's my protegé?- Jeremy, boy, he... Yeah, J-bone. J-bone is... believe it or not,he's getting married. What?! What an idiot! Oh, what a loser! Good good!More for me and you. More for... more for... I gotta go. Hey, babe, yeah. You do whateveryou have to do. - Thanks.- Okay, be strong. I'm justliving the dream! That's unbelievable. Oh, man,I feel like, "Wow!" It's like I come over,I don't know what to expect. I gotta be honest,I come in, it's like, a little like I'm trying to getmy bearings. There's cartoons, your mom,and it's like, you still got it! Look at her! "Just living the dream,"I love that! You know what? I will have somemeatloaf. Let's have some meatloaf. You want some? I knew you'd come...Hey, Mom! The meatloaf! We want it now!The meatloaf! What is she doing? I never knowwhat she's doing back there. "Just living the dream."Where did you get that girl? - She's hot!- I got her yesterday. - Yesterday?- Yeah. I rode my bike overto a cemetery nearby. Her boyfriend just died. - You met her at a funeral?- Yeah. The dude diedin a hang-gliding accident. What an idiot! "Oh, I'm hang gliding! Honey, take a good picture...I'm dead!" What a freak! You met her at a funeral. Yeah, I'll throw in a weddingevery now and then, but funerals are insane! The chicks are so horny,it's not even fair. It's like fishingwith dynamite. - Horny?- Yeah, crazy horny. I just...at a funeral?! Grief is nature's most powerful aphrodisiac. Look it up. - I didn't know that.- That's what I've learned. Ma, the meatloaf! Fuck! Saturday...I got one Saturday. You're coming with! Chaz, I'm...I'm sorry, I don't... I'm not judging you, 'cause I thinkyou're an innovator, but... there's no wayI'm ready for that. A time to plant, and a time to pluck upthat which is planted; A time to killand a time to heal; A time to break downand a time to build up; A time to weep and a time to laugh; - A time to cast away stones...- So senseless. Damn you, Roger. Roger! Damn you, Roger! Damn it!Damn you! I'm in pain. I'll try to fight it.Try to fight it. I don't know about you people,but I'm in pain. I know that thereis no good in them for man to rejoiceand to do good in his life... for that which befalleth the sons of men,befalleth beasts. Even one thing befalleth, as the one dieth,so dieth the other. Yea, they all haveone breath, so that a man hath no preeminenceabove the beast. While each man thinkshe knows love, love, we have learned,is a mystery. That's what makes today so special. We witness two peoplechoosing to marry ones they truly love. Whoa whoa, hey! Hey hey! He's the best man. Yeah. Thank you. I don't believe this. Hat in hand. I'm sorry I'm late. I'm glad you're here. And-and I'm sorryI called you white trash. - I didn't...- John, apology accepted. And I'm sorry I calledyou a hillbilly, I don't even knowwhat that meant. John, it's okay. Do you mindif I get married now? No, go ahead. Hi, Todd. Although we may choosewhom we marry, - we don't always choose...- Psst. Claire, I'm not hereto bother you, I just came to be his best man.Don't worry about me. Pretend I'm not here. Okay. I'm not a nut. You look really pretty,by the way. That's allI'm gonna say. I can't stopthinking about you. It's all I think aboutand I don't know what to do. - Ahem.- I'm sorry. That's what makes todayso special... God, I miss you. Okay, excuse me,I'm sorry. Claire, hold on a second.Claire, Claire! Claire, will you waitjust a second? All I wanted wasa second alone so I could tryto explain things. But I've never gottenthat chance. Maybe I don't deserve it. So here goes. For longer than I careto remember, my business has beencrashing weddings. I crashed weddingsto meet girls. Business was good. I met a lot of girls. And it was childish,it was juvenile... And pathetic. Yeah, that's probably the best wordto describe it. But you know what?It also led me to you. So it's hard for meto completely regret it. And that person that you metback at your folks' place... that was really me. Maybe not my name... I'm John Beckwithby the way... or my job, but the feelings we felt the jokes,the stupid laughs... that was all me. I've changed.I've realized something. I crashed a funeralearlier, and l... Oh, Jesus. It wasn't my idea. I was basicallydragged to it
