Hit it, bitches

Ah. ANTM is back. Haaaay.

Jesus Christ, did I miss it. As though terrified to mess with a good formula, the sixth cycle of the show is more like a refreshed weave than a drastically different hairstyle (I'm not calling, "Scripted!" but by now we've come to expect mass hysteria when Tyra first reveals herself to the semi-finalists...and for the next 10 times thereafter, right?).

ANTM's refusal to be anything but itself made it really easy to predict the first girl to go:

Kathy was dropped like she was hot. Except for the fact that she wasn't. Fun girl, though. I'm almost sad to see her go. More on that in a second. First, we've got some crying girls to account for.

No changes have been made to the rules of the crying count this time around. If ANTM isn't fucking with its formula, why should I? If you need a refresher on the terms of the counting check here. But really it's simple: bitches cry, I count them (and laugh and laugh!).

Breaking the seal is the very unsurprising...

1. Wendy

I don't doubt her story (Hurricane Katrina forced her to evacuate her New Orleans home, splitting up her family), just like I wouldn't doubt ANTM's impulse to jump all over a hot-button issue and exploit it. Ah. It feels good to be home (or, uh, in this case, displaced).

2. Andrea

This girl had major separation issues regarding her parents (and maybe her blanky), which caused her to be in a constant highly emotional state. Get ready to get sick of seeing her scrunched up face . . .

3. Andrea

Over . . .

4. Andrea

. . . and over. I wonder if her pain stems (heh) from the ravaging this grape-stomper has taken on her feet and leg areas?

Hot, right? Can you believe she didn't make it through to the final 13?

5. Danielle

Danielle recounts her mom's struggle with rheumatoid arthritis. I have no smart-ass remarks for that, due at least in part to the fact that I'm afraid that Danielle will kick my ass first and not even bother to ask questions later.

6. Danielle

Seriously, this girl's awesome for being such a tough shit-talker and then breaking down so easily (here, she's tearfully rejoicing over making it to the Top 20). She really just allows her emotions to flow. I respect that from the corner I'm cowering in.

7. Loser No. 1

I think this was this girl's first and last solo camera frame. She had to go, though -- her hair was way too complicated. Two ponytails?!? What are ya, a circus freak? Take it to Discovery Health and stop confusing us, please.

8. Andrea

Here's Andrea crying over being chosen for the Top 20. In a happy way. I think.

9. Loser No. 2

Gee, I can't imagine why this one was given the boot, what with her creative prediction of her eventual crow's feet. Watch out, Mr. Jay -- this one has an eye pencil and she isn't afraid to use it.

10. Andrea

I'm not kidding.

11. Andrea

Swear.

12. Wendy

Wendy started to get nervous as the girls' names were called for the final 13 (hers was to be called last). Wendy, never doubt yourself. Or your ability to be a subplot.

13. Loser No. 3

This one suggested that she had "good hair" earlier in the episode. Perhaps. But her eyesight is atrocious.

14. Rebecca

Isn't she on My Name Is Earl?

15. Gina

An "identity crisis" leaves Gina in tears. She's confused over being Korean. I'm not even kidding. This is but one of several reasons that make Gina a wonderful human being.

16. Kathy

It's sort of a shame, because even though Kathy sucked as a model, she was a fun girl. I mean, she got butt-ass naked not 10 minutes into the episode. Outside. In front of everyone.

Seriously, they had to pixelate her vagina. She was in it to win it.

17. Gina

Gina just couldn't take seeing Kathy drop it like it was hot one last time. It's hard out there for a dolt.

Interesting that crying has dropped about 20 percent from last year's cycle premiere. I know that ANTM is no place for statistical geekery, but I can't help comparing data and wondering if we're looking at some hardened hoes.

Speaking of, let's take a look at the Tyraism of the week. Since this was a two-part episode (really, two episodes back-to-back), we're getting two Tyraisms this week.

Tyraism No. 1: "America's Next Top Model is not just about beauty. It's a journey of transformation and our winners have transformed into working models that are working." First of all: it's not just about beauty? Say it ain't so! Second of all, wait -- are the models working or not? Be more clear about that, please. I need to be reminded often. I keep forgetting.

Tyraism No. 2: (On how to be yourself during a press conference) "Just pretend like they're people that you know. Like, ask me any question and I'll pretend like I'm having an interview. I'll answer it the wrong way and the good way. (Mollie Sue tells Tyra to "Show us your goofy look.") OK, this is a bad example. Be goofy, ummm...ok...

...Is that goofy? That's bad! Do it again! (Mollie once again requests that Tyra be goofy.) You want me to be goofy? OK! Haaaay...

...haaay...

...Know what I'm saying? Just go for it and just do it."

Yes, Tyra, we know exactly what you're saying. You can't be a true asshole unless you put your butt and a few "haaay"s in it. Remember this, kids, when you're at a club or in front of a camera. Goofy sells.

And, since I'm totally at terms with Twiggy being on the panel (which is to be at terms with boring, but whatever), there's no need to resurrect last cycle's Bug-O-Meter. Instead, the final weekly up-front feature will be J Watch, in which we explore the piping hot mess that is "Miss" (or is that "Mrs.?" -- did he get gaymarried?) J Alexander. This one had a whole lotta J, starting with this:

What is he going for with this? That Tim Burton '92 in-over-my-head-with-this-Batman-shit look? By extension, J resembles Edward Scissorhands, and I can't hate him for that.

I also can't hate him for getting all literal in proving that Danielle needs to shave her 'stache, either.

And finally, it seems that he's ditched that stupid corsage countdown thing that everyone hated for an even more obvious way of counting down the girls (speaking of literal):

I get the feeling that the shirt he wears to panel each week will have number on it that stands for the remaining amount of girls. For those of you who can't count, a very wise man has you covered.

And speaking of not being able to count (probably, at least):

1. Oh my...Gina.

Wow. This girl is absolutely amazing. Watching her is like watching a child feel their way around the world. Every act is one of discovery. Except Gina doesn't seem to have a toddler's capacity for absorbing knowledge.

That's her discovering that she was in the Top 20 (the contestants had to find their picture in makeup boxes to know that they were going through). Gina used a helpful trick to know for sure that it was her in the picture: "I was like, there's no other Asian girl. It's me, it's me!" she said. Good one! Glad she identified herself via her ethnicity instead of, y'know, knowing what she actually looks like. If she had to pick herself out of a lineup of other Asian women, she'd probably be like, "I'm not sure. They all look the same!"

Here's Gina learning that she made it to the Top 13. Here is her verbal response, a reference to her previously professed distaste for typically short Asian men, which Tyra and Mr. Jay inexplicably took issue with. Of course, the chance to further humiliate herself on television was enough to turn her philosophy around. She's a character, just not a S-T-A-U-N-C-H one.

Oh, and that Asian thing kept cropping up. She had a minor meltdown during the episode's "press conference" when asked about what she could bring to the table as an Asian model. It was a tic-filled disaster.

There's something beautiful about being so free with your emotions. Gina could teach us all what it means to live and love.

Also? Sometimes her voice sounds like she might be deaf. What's up with that? I bet she is deaf and just doesn't realize it.

Y'know, whenever I take a liking to a Gina, I want to call her Va-Gina (obviously, as in "vagina," but pronounced, "va-geena"). Just as a term of endearment. Except this Gina is so...exceptional, that I want to give her an even more special name: Duh-Gina. And so it will be.

Oh, I wanna dance with somebody.

And, now that I've seen them in action, here are some revised opinions about the girls:

2. I was so wrong about Joanie!

She's fucking beautiful.

Love her a lot. I don't know why her head looks so oddly shaped in her preliminary pictures on UPN's site. Yeah, she has a weird teeth thing going on...

...but in the words of Tyra, "Teeth can be fixed."

Plus, she can totally throw down a Nomi move.

I'm in love with a stripper.

3. Danielle also kicks ass. I thought her early shots were boring, but I was so wrong. She isn't boring at all. She's like a bite-size Toccara...

...right down to her heaving poccaras...

Also? She's real. She's real enough to rock that moustache...

...to admit that she doesn't know what "regal" means and that she has dents in her head.

Also also? This might be my favorite question anyone has ever asked, ever:

What "type" of racism? Kentucky fried, probably.

(Oh, and check out Duh-Gina in the bottom picture. She is truly God's gift to the world.)

4. Jade is really fucking annoying.

Potes at Television Without Pity (whose insight I'm so happy to have back in my life, btw, now that ANTM has started up again) compares her to Yaya, which is spot-on. But, remember that Yaya's bitchiness didn't emerge till the middle of Cycle 3. That Jade's is being established now means that the probability of a character arc involving a breakdown in which she admits that really, deep down, she's insecure, is high. I'm not going to start hating just yet, because it's only going to end up making me feel guilty.

5. I am kind of sorry to see Kathy go. I mean, with a bald head, she looked straight out of The Witches...

...but she described this look as a "penis with ears." What's not to love?

6. Um, hi America's Next Top Model:

Nnenna is so clearly the winner at such an early point that she can't possibly win this thing, right?

7. Meanwhile, I think I might have also been wrong about my early favorite Furonda.

She's funny and all, but God, girl, you're on TV. Learn what a mirror is. I'm sure Duh-Gina can teach you all about mirrors' magical, mystical properties. I'm hoping Furonda can pull it together with next week's makeover, but till then:

8. And speaking of side-to-side comparisons, how lame was it that every time Mr. Jay or Tyra would make some obvious comparison, the editors would give us a side-to-side illustration? Did this serve to do anything but prove how inaccurate their analogies were?

Uh, ok.

Stupid! This way is much more fun:

Meanwhile, this one was so reductive:

I think the equation is more like:

(And, yeah, I compared Winston to Kim from last cycle, too. What can I say? He's hot.)

Oh, and I can't believe that they missed this one:

Cram that one in your sweaty pit, Mr. Jay.

9. God, I love how Janice just can't stay away.

I bet she comes back full-time next season. The show will make a huge deal about it, everyone will be happy and the universe will realign.

10. Oh Jesus.

11. Finally, what's with all the ANTM cliches coming out during this first episode? We already have a girl who's "not here to make friends"...

...we already have heard Tyra's "So who goes home? The girl who X or the girl who X?" speech...

...and, as we learned in the preview for next week's episode, we're already going to be hit with "This isn't America's Next Top X," via Jade next week (in this case the "X" is "best friend," which Sarah of Cycle 4 also noted)...

How long you think before the girl with "all the potential in the world" gets the boot?

Comments

[Fresh]

I've been waiting on this and it was worth it. LOL, you are too much ;)

[mr hey]

good wrap up........

your posts are always very entertaining, thanks.

note: look at Furonda's arm pits during the bald head shoot~~~~did I see patch of hair?...lol

If you can, can u make a screen shot of those hairy pits.....lol

[romcraw]

my lord. furonda = gremlin? that shit is priceless.

[Molly]

Oh yes yes yes. Oh yes. Oh Yesssss!! OH GOD! YES YES YES! OH OH OH, YES! OH GOD YES! YES YES!!!!

I love you, and now I must change my drawers.

[brandy]

You are an artist.
That is all I can say.
The one that Winston looks like also looks a bit like a poor mans Candice Cameron before she found the lord.

[A]

haha i love your recap. But you didn't mention my girl leslie once!

[Sheila]

I liked Kathy, too. "I've never seen someone so drunk before. It was skeery." I was sad to see her go, but saw it coming a mile away.

Oh, Jade. The Yaya comparison is fairly accurate, but my first impression was more "Lisa minus the craziness and ability to take good photos". Who was the insightful panelist who commented that perhaps there was a reason her impressive talents had not yet been discovered? I don't think I've ever seen Nigel so disgusted with someone.

[duane]

The part about Gina had me laughing so hard I couldn't even drink my water. You have a gift; and I thank you for sharing it with us. Gina is awesome. I want her to have her own spin off show... her reaction during the press conference was fucking amazing. The only thing that would have made that scene better, would have been drunk Guadalupe from PR there to help her with her answer.

[Marie]

Yeah, it may not be scripted but I think there is a fair amount of coaching going on. The way the girls reacted to being called into the 13 contestants looked really fake, especially Nnenna (her natural reaction is a lot more stoic than that) and Gina (she must have been turning it over in her mind for ever to come up with such a "witty" line). That's annoying. Tyra, on the other hand, could use a great deal more scripting.

Joanie: I think she's somewhere between uninteresting and ugly, and more importantly, she's extremely annoying. "Two for the money, two for the show, two to get ready, now freakin' walk." WTF? She's like a cross between Kim and Lisa. Can't stand her.

When are you doing the recap from this Wednesday?

[America's Next Top TOP]

OMG, this was so worth the wait. I am over here at my desk, cheeks ABLAZE, trying not to pass out laughing. I hate you so much for doing this to me at lunchtime!!!

Furonda is ugly.

[marlo_girl]

how frickin happy am i that ANTM is on just so i can read your blogs?

i think one reader put it succinctly:

"I love you, and now I must change my drawers."

sigh.

and i think the ghetto quotient is at an all time high this year, what with Furonda (the name alone) and danielle (who doesn't know what regal means?)... the bus from arkansas was full this season, boy... lots of gals have aspirations of movin' on up like george and weezie.

predictions:

nnenna wins.
joanie rocks.
jade goes bezerk.

[B. Harlow]

I also adore these recaps! Straight from 'Project Runway' let down/finale to this....cool!
And all of your insights are spot on. That girl really does look like a knobby penis head with ears, the Bobby Brown comparision...oh yes!, and the others. I think the blonde, Kari (?), could easily pass for a blonde Denise Richards.
Thanks for the exceptional laughs!

[jennztar]

OMG! do you KNOW how long I waited to see your recap of ANTM! ugh. i got hooked on fourfour last cycle, and now it's all back!
my life seems complete :)
yeah. what's up with Duh-Gina? God she's annoying! And being Korean... I can truly, truly say that she's a disgrace to our race!
not only is she UGLY (she doesn't even LOOK Korean), she's just.. STUPID!
I swear, my sister was like, "OMG, if she makes the top 13, then I'm gonna HAVE to watch the rest of the season just to see how much more she can humiliate Koreans."

anywya, there's my rant. yes Jade is super annoying and Nnenna does seem to be portrayed as the girl everyone thinks is gonna win.

-jenn-

[Jaime]

I've been waiting for this since last week and the wait was well worth it. You are hilarious as always!

[bethanne]

thank you!!!!!!!!!!!

[B.Wombat]

Oh How I love thee..
I have been waiting since friday for this and I am at work laughing my ass off at the "Furonda-Gremlin""Furonda-Headed Mantis" or should i call it the "Furontis".. Oooohhh I like that one.. You forgot to put in when "Furontis" got dissed by Tyra in the "You guys got any questions for me, but im gonna answer them with useless answers part of the show"
Please keep up the good recaps you sexy hot piece of man meat..
p.s. I love winston

[Sy'rah]

Ok, so who didn't think that bald Furonda looked like Starvin' Marvin from South Park?

[Tiffany]

Everything in my life has fallen back into place with the return of fourfour's ANTM recaps. Thank you thank you thank you <3

Joanie is gorgeous and reminds me of some Pantene Pro-V hair model or something like that. Except her face shape reminds me of a rectangle. Just a little bit. Gina just blows me away with how she thinks (I secretly adore/hate her) and Jade has just got to go.

Long live the fourfour!

[Leah Wright]

I love your commentary, I've been waiting forever for this! :)

Jade = video girl video girl video girl!!!

Wendy, Furonda, and Kathy = blah

Nnenna, Kari, Danielle, Joanie = awesome

Gina = special ed

Leslie, Molly Sue = up in the air

This season is gonna be great! Next week they have a walk off with roaches woohoo!

leah

[Liz]

So glad these recaps are back. Love!

[Cocoa Girl]

OMGosh...you kilted (kill, uber past tense) with that Winston, 80s girl, blondie contestant equation. I am so happy to have you back with ANTM!!!

[Lola]

Hey Rich. Your observations are so freaking astute and hillarious. Reading your updates is usually the highlight of my day (sad, but true). Anyway, don't you think Kathy resembles Heidi from Apprentice season one?

[Carly]

Jade needs a serious humbling. But dare I say this early in the game that this season has way mroe potential for good TV than the last? I gave up on last season about halfway through.

[ACB]

No word on Sara? What a gorgeous picture.

Now if she can only learn to walk. Hey! Where have we heard that before? Oh, yeah, last season's Sara...

[Paco]

I love you so much. These recaps are the highlight of my week.

I think Gina may have a cleft palate.

[Steph]

Cheers dude... You did it UP RIGHT! LORDY I just love these reviews. It's sick how I look forward to this.

I too loved the part when the Pen15 with 2 Ears dropped her skirt to get ready for that TyTy runway walk test by the J's. OMG I was like You go gurl! Win those brownie points! Get Nek-ed! -She is TOO funny. That show needed a lil hick!

That super sick skinny grape stompn' tit-baebae had to GO. Glad they showed her the door right quick. -Again... You're right about the legs. Those gams could gag-a-maggot. -Wonder if they have bed bugs where she's from back on the farm out der? hey?

I can't wait until Duh-Gina gets voted off... she and Jade are neck and neck as far as i'm concerned. -They betta lob-off some hair this week, and make these hoes cry... that's all I'm saying. Bring on the tears!

Ooooh and the mantis.. lmao... beautiful... that shit is beyond funny...

[FingerBang Joe]

Did Wendy say ANYTHING this episode not Katrina related?

[Butta]

Your take on Duh-Va-Gina and Fugronda are so on point. I'm glad that I'm at home today so that I can laugh my head off at your ANTM recap like I always want to do at work but can't.

[Jason]

Grey Gardens reference? S-T-A-U-N-C-H?

[Rich]

Could it be anything else?

[JonnNikki]

I think Furonda could prove to be very entertaining. As we already know from Rich, the girl has a record. Then, in this episode, she asks Tyra a question and when Tyra didn't like the question, she was all like, "Oh, my friend wanted to know". Uh-huh, right. Mark my words, this one is sneaky.

[blah]

What really peeved me off was that gina (she is quite dim) didn't respond to the idiots we call judges. Who cares if she doesn't normally date asian guys (they are generally on the shorter side)? Does that have anything to do with not being proud of your heritage or culture? That's ridiculous. She should have called them on it. However, she is pretty "duh" and I don't want her representing the asian culture anymore...
Oh and Jade reallly annoys me too.

[babyG]

crazy bitches

don't knwo any of the white girls names yet, I probably won't until they've been in a fight with a black girl.. we all know the cycle by now right? I swear if they had a whole hosue full of yoanna's, nicole's, lisa's the shit would be soo dry.

I'm rooting for my naija/nigerian sister Nnena, so far she seems sane. Love her accent too she sounds so regal.. that's the new word.. did u notice how many fuckign times they used that word???

Danielle seems like she's very quiet actually I dont' detect a bitch, just a sharp mouth than gossips.. Furonda IS an alien.. a complete freakshow and so ugly.. no idea how she got put on!! The only white girl I liked got cut.. Iw as shocked I was about to get up and leave the couch because I thogut for sure furonda was out.. I was pissed! The white girl that looks like your cat had human children seems cute but does the bitch talk? she's like a bratz doll for real... lips closed in a permanent smile... damn white girls get on my nerves.. they are all sweet in public.. we'll see how she acts in the house though.

Good luck to all the black girls... we need another one to make up for Nnaima's mixed and mixedup ass... her and her eyebrows are putting all of us to shame.. even lil kim is shakign her head in jail at those brows. I have to say I'm rooting for Nnena the most.. but it always happens that she'll probably not win... I just hope the season isn't boring, the forumula is the same, tyra says the exact same shit every fucking show ( in the running, inthe running, in the running, yea we get it!! ) the girls this cycle seem reasonably nice ( aside from jade's ol' ass ), janice is gone and twiggy is so boring I'm not sure where the drama will come from this cycle!!!

[Sunny Bunny]

Jade is awesome. Don't hate.

[rod]

fuck.
my eyes are watering. there's a new queen in my office and a new temp. the new temp asked that i turn off wendy williams as it was offensive. (she obviously has issues with great dane on girl sex, but she's just here for today.) so all i have is my fourfour to get me through. but i will not laugh out loud. i will not. i will sit here with my eyes watering and my throat getting raw because I want to laugh and laugh, but cannot because evil is in the room.

[Gayest Neil]

Hah. Wonderful. I'm so looking forward to the "My LIfe" segments.

[Maria]

Your recaps are the best ever. I thought I couldn't love you any more. And then you made a Grey Gardens reference. Oh, my.

[AKS]

I love Joanie! She's the only girl who can reference other models than the ones that pose for the Secret. Way to go on the Stella Tennant mention!

Also, what is the point of being a model if you don't like clothes! All the girls wear cheap-ass shit.

[WestCoastStyle]

Why is no one talking about how obvious an eating disorder Andrea has? Loved how Tyra was all "Now, looking at her picture, Jay, and thinking about pictures of models you've seen with eating disorders..." Uh huh. Saying it so the lawyers can't chime in but getting the point across. Get that girl some help! Those clavicle bones should be classified as a deadly weapon they're so sharp. Grape stomping has nothin' to do with it-- Andrea is a mess. Hope she's getting some counseling. (Thanks for feeding my dark addiction... LOVE "ANTM" but can't admit it in public.)

[Arthur James]

You. are. freakin'. bril.

Damb, it ain't fair that you do this shyt for free......

[jonBenet]

I liked how Furonda tried to start shit with the mannequin head.

[svrb]

Personally I thought Ms. J was channeling more of a crap 90s MTVeejay Jesse Camp vibe.

[Courtney]

Another comparison...why did Andrea remind me of the Phantom of The Muppet Theater?

Pic here: http://flickr.com/photos/courtney/112089069/

[oomm]

I cannot believe you let it go that Mr. Jay told Gina to "Put a thought in your head, basically".

That, for me? Quote of the night. It was almost as good as "Walk on water, walk like Jesus" my all time favorite Jay quote.

[Joe]

you never dissapoint me! i noticed jay's sweaty pits too. being that he is in fashion and would want to be on top of trends, how come he hasn't gotten rid of his tired dyed fried bleached blonde locks yet?

i agree about ms. furonda. plus she has the body of a 12 year old boy. nnenna all the way!

[hannah]

I immediately thought of Gumby when I saw Nnnnneeennnnna's side-hawk.

[miss c]

Altho' I already knew Miss Bible-Thumper wasn't making it to the final 13 (go Tyra and your "surprise" first hour) I was sad to see someone go that I could love to hate but then....oohoohoo...JADE! You win, bitch! i thought she was going to be all modest and one with the earth. oh no. she is a 26-year-old junior high style mean girl (did you see how she zeroed in on Duh-Gina like a wounded gazelle? Leave the 'tard alone!). I especially loved her description of her mother as an "really exotic white woman." whoa. bring it.

[mouse]

This was too funny and well worth the wait! Thank you so much for the Tyra/Jay gay snap! It makes me so happy (no pun intended) to see that in all it's looped glory!

And Gina? I could not stop laughing- especially at that part about her not being able to pick herself out of a lineup. Oh, Gina...

[Pinky]

It's too bad that ANTM had to pick a Korean girl with issues but it makes for great TV and she'll probably find some confidence after this show.
As for her culture clash... it's hard to live with Korean values/traditions when you are also very American too. It would be really easy if she would only date Asians and only have Asian friends.... then you don't have much of an identity crisis. She's going outside of her comfort zone and embracing a different culture but at the same time she probably feels like she has to honor her Korean parents.
Everyone has insecurities....some people hide them but she wears her heart on her sleeve. It's very endearing. :)

[billy]

Heres a comparison for you Rich...Miss Jay looks JUST like Pearl, the 75 y/o neighbor in "227."

[billy]

especially in his first solo pic of this post.

[Julia]

i personally think furonda looks like snoop dogg.

[summer]

I also compared Jade to YaYa in the sense of being the one the judges love to hate and are on a mission to change. I also think Jade's playing the game right. She's 26 and therefore 2 seconds away from the inevitable elimination. So she has to have a hook; some reason for them to keep her around. So for ratings sake, they'll keep her around just long enough to try to break her down at panel.

She'll feign new-found humility, and then they'll cut her! But not due to her age, oh no, but "because Jade," Tyra will say, "the woman I see before me has no fire, no spunk, so different from that woman who stood before us weeks ago. And I wonder where is she?"

[mpc]

Hey Rich, thanks for not even mentioning you-know-who...because if we just ignore homophobic rascist baptists they'll go away right? And did anyone else really like Brooke? I know, the lips, but don't you think she's a perfect candidate for the "unconventional inexperienced beauty who ends up wowing everyone" edit a la Lisa? (Without Lisa's alcoholism and subsequent humiliations, which is the whole reason she got the boot). I mean, look at the girl's face, she was made to be called 'fierce.'
So my top three are Nnenna, Brooke and Joanie.

[Rich]

What could I have possibly said about that girl that wouldn't be completely obvious? Well, except maybe pointing out the fact that she said that she hated gays, Muslims and abortion -- "anything liberal." Fuckin' liberal Muslims.

[spazmo]

Wasn't Jade the one who called Janice "the world's OLDEST supermodel" or something?

Hah! Way to take the focus off YOUR decrepitude, JADE.

Still, I'm hoping she sticks around, and cranks up the attitude week after week until finally Tyra is forced to drop her with a tranquilizer dart.

[Tootie]

Ok, Kathy looks EXACTLY like Anna Nicole's cousin...you know, the one without the teeth?

Speaking of teeth, duh-Gina is fucking scary looking. Her teeth look like Alien. For real.

[t]

Thank you. I missed it last week. I was pissy about it too, until I raed your recap...feels like I was in front of the TV...LOL! Can anybody tell me if they will show repeats the night before?

[lovemesomefourfour]

Rich, can you put up an animated gif of joanie's dancing?

[jess]

wait, tyra... the working models are working!??!

[Angel La.]

lol @ i'm in love with a stipper. Great post!

[winston for president]

Somebody on the ANTM LiveJournal community posted that Andrea was addicted to crystal meth in high school. That could explain the whole squinty look!

Excellent recap. I was going through fourfour ANTM withdrawals.

[Jonrah]

Oh Thank you! I missed the double episode and I'm so glad I can rely on you to post the recap! I love it! So freakin hilarious I'm here at work crackin up and everyone's starin at me but I don't care! Can't wait for next episode! Muah!

[Nikos]

Furonda looks like Flava Flav, fa realz.

[bayoubeauty]

You have the best recaps EVER!!!

[raphaela]

You just made me laugh so hard that my husband STOPPED PLAYING VIDEO GAMES and came in to see what was so funny. Then he, too, was rolling over the Praying Furondis.

[gwensgurl]

Oh thank you, thank you, thank you!!! I have been waiting for this!!! I so look forward to it. I also think Brooke sort of looks like Angelina Jolie, don't you??? I cna't wait until the next recap. And you are right. Winston is HOT!

[mdizzy]

Rich, I 've been waiting for this and you totally nailed it, again. I thought the same thing about Danielle being a mini-Toccara. I was wondering if you would catch it, too. You are soo right about Nnenna. Even though she looks to be the best, I'm sure she won't win - even though she is my fave so far.

[Michael]

i have to agree with everyone. regal is the new fierce.

[kathy]

I will not watch this cycle; I can't get involved again like I did last time. Instead, I'll look forward to your recaps. They take a fraction of the time and are much more entertaining all things considered. Thanks for not having commercials and for getting to the point.

[Michelle]

Furonda is going to be the shit-starter, Jade will get her bubble burst, Ba-Gina is gonna be they one they all accuse of being an alcoholic (where is cousin it this year?), I just wanna have smutty sex with Mollie Sue and Nnenna will win. I hope.

[Quel]

Yaaaaaaay!

[KV]

When Kathy said she felt like a penis with ears I just about wet myself. I'm sorry to see her go -- not because I think she had a chance in hell, but because she was so DANG entertaining! I fully thought that boring Wendy would be the first to go.

Awesome recap, as always. You made my Monday :)

[jujubee]

You are my reason for living...actually, no, but goddammit, your ANTM recaps made my day.

Nnenna is awesome, meaning she won't win, but that's OK, because that ensures she'll get legitimate, non-ANTM work! I like Leslie, Wendy, and Kari (yes, Kari) too. Fuh-ronda failed to pass the T-Boz lookalike test. And Jade...Lord save this girl from her delusion. At least Robin and Camille were hilarious and Yaya actually pretty and intelligent. The rest, who cares?

And also...*sigh*IkindahaveacrushontheSmallOrangeKenDoll. Damn him for going to the gym and bulking up! All I ask that he refrain from wearing shirts that accentuate his man-boobs. That's Miss Jay's domain.

[avi]

if there goal is to actually pick a model who can really really really get actual contracts besides covergirl, they're on the right track this time because all of the girls are basically tall enough. but damn, what's with some of them being 24 and up. who wants to invest a lot in a superstar model unless they're like 16 or 18 or so. not some washed up never was 26 year old like manjade.

[tracy]

I think bald-Furonda looked extremely like a fetus.

My boss, my dear crazy old boss, couldn't remember her name and called her "Fuckonda" today when we discussed the show. Hah.

[April]

Man, you kill me. Fucking hilarious. Love Top Model. The Stripper Girl is hot, I want her to dance at my bachelorette party and I'm sure she'll need the money-- I like to guess who's gonna win by race, I feel it's the most accurate. I was a little thrown off at though. When I first saw the Asian girl, I'm like, man, you know an Asian girl's gotta win. So far there's been 3 whites, a black and a biraicial. But then the Asian girl turned out to be waste-caste/basket-case Gina. So I'm gonna go with black. You called it on Nnenna.

[kLo]

k this is the best website in the world.ever.

[cdub]

thank you thank you! I think I look forward to your comments more than any actual new episodes. Is that sad? Whatever, I loooove you.

[John M]

Oh Rich, fantastic! I don't think it could possibly get any better, but I have a feeling you'll find a way.

By the way, the Ms. Jay pic with the shaving cream? I just can't help but think how pornographic it looks. I'll be having nightmares for a week.

[Kyrie]

I kinda thought that comparing Jade to Yaya was wrong for the simple fact that Yaya was annoyingly likable.. Whereas anyone who can stand Jade is probably her parents. Because hating something you gave birth to is WRONG.

I say Joanie for the win. It was obvious from her first photoshoot that she's got what it takes to be that 'high fashion model' Tyra always wanted, and her personality is pretty commercial.. However, her big losing point is where Tyra cuts her for once being a stripper. Sigh. I don't know why Tyra thinks America can't gel with a stripper, because I totally can, and you obviously can too!

Bratz doll or not, I really like Kari...

[white rabbit]

That two-ponytailed chick looks a LOT like last season's Ashley... Hmmm...

[jay]

i actually grew up with Tanika(13. Loser No. 3).

[Christine]

You are my GO-TO ANTM recap'r. I am a devoted fan and last year I had to go to Europe and *gasp* miss the last half. Well, thanks to you I didn't have to miss it fully. I'll be doing the same this year so keep up the good work! THANK YOu

[Tree]

Great recap! Love!

I think Furonda is the image of Flava Flav, no?

[joshua lim]

GINA IS AN EMBARASSMENT TO THE ASIAN RACES. She is worse than William Hung. :(

[Mara]

yeesssssss!! worth-the-wait recap, but what happened to sarah? she is scarlett johannson's doppleganger (sp), the tall version...she's sexy!!

of course nnenna should win, but she prolly won't cuz when has a deserving person ever won on this show? odds against her double cuz she's colored...

loved the gumby comparison, thought the same damn thing...and ms jay really does look like mrs pearl from 227, i have to find a pic to send to you now :)

you make me actually like gina in all of her autistic glory, but am not in luv wit the stripper, and wendy needs to go too, and they need to take twiggy with them...

all in all, should be a good season, if tyra doesn't eat me alive with her fake bullshit...oh and did anyone else's gaydar go off with danielle?

[Jess]

Am I the only one who thinks Jade looks a little bit like LC from Laguna Beach? In the eyes and stuff? Maybe that's just their inner bitch trying to come out.

And Mollie Sue totally reminds me of that red-headed girl from a couple of seasons ago that Tyra once forgot at a judging. Red-heads, man. They don't make it on this show.

[Urban Sista]

If I get fired, it's your fault! *wiping tears* LOL!! That side-by-side with Furonda and the gremlin has made my morning worthwhile! Thank you. Thank you for the jokes. Whew!

[Wendy]

The Witches! YES!! You are, and shall remain, my hero!

[Jackie]

Holy crap, she does look like your cat!

[tom]

Stop it. Pia Zadora + Winston = Miss Piggy. High-sterical.

[Anon]

Tip on Jade...She was in Jay-z's video for "Change clothes"..girl is a rap video model which explains alot.

[marah]

is it just me, or has anyone else heard that someone on this season actually is deaf??? and that it's going to come out later this season. could it be... gina? ooooh so good.

[JH]

You're an exotic biracial butterfly, just like me. And Jade. (And Janice?)

However much I disagree with the Yaya and Jade bullshit...The section on "looks like an X" cracked my shit up!!! Thank you and good night

[lianne]

YOU are effing incredible. Referencing Pia, Nomi, AND mf-ing Grey Gardens?! I worship you. Huzzah.

[TJ]

Here is my take on it:
Black women= Regal
White women= High Fashion
Biracial or all other ethnicities= Exotic

And did anyone else think that Mollie Sue looks like a red-headed Posh Spice?

[jamillah]

rich, damnit i laughed until i cried when i saw that Furonda/Gremlin comparison. i can't even believe it.
Joanie, right now, is my forerunner. running naked through my mind.

[Nemesis]

My spleen...***flatline***

Rich, you are HILARIOUS! Thanks to Fresh at C+D for linking to your site!

[feebs]

I almost want to watch ANTM just so I can read your recaps.
But I don't think I ever will stray from ANTM's charming death-grip. Also, I am Canadian, so hello! CNTM!

[C]

This might be the highlight of my life, which makes me life like ultra pathetically sad - but I'm okay with that.

[Whitters]

Winston needs to be on ANTM. He would totally beat all those bitches down.

[Catherine]

You are priceless. Could you do me a favour and make a little graphic (or screen shot) of Tyra walking in and Gina freaking out. It's a tiny part, but my favourite part of the episode, please. xD

[J.J]

I think Tyra shouldn't have eliminated Wendy since shes from Louisiana I think Jade had been eliminatid instead because she's a BITCH.

[Jazzy]

Kari looks so much like Nicole from last season, but blonde...especially in profile.

[Meri]

ANTM is magic.

My favorite is "the girl who takes beautiful pictures, but doesn't act like America's Next top model."

Oh Tyra, you so dumb!

[leesha]

entertaining shit, but now i must go.

more on antm, yes please.

[Penny Woods]

I just want to tell y'all that not everyone in NC sounds like Kathy.

Well, at least several people in the cities and in East North Carolina.

[the kim half of glamorouse]

G'ah! How did I miss this. Oh the planets have realigned, my shitty world will return to normalcy once more. Thank GOD you're back Duh-Gina is priceless.

[Judy]

Hm, you didn't pick Furonda as your initial favorite; it's Danielle you picked. Furonda's sitting next to her in the middle of the front row.

[Sarah Kim]

Duh-Gina is a disgrace to Koreans and asians eveyrwhere... why is she so dumb!?!?! She really needs to be booted off...

[joshua]

I can't believe you dropped a Grey Gardens reference here. Wait, yes I can.
And by the by, this is the funniest shit I've read in ages! Keep it up!

[misamuse]

nnena is reping it for the african queens. shes beautiful even without hair. jades looks good. she needs to tone down her attitude but shes so strong shes weak.

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[NBA Rumours]

the cw has basically ruined it for me