Frankenstein unbound

"I'm not a CoverGirl! I mean, that's not me," said Lauren on the eve of her dismissal.

I think the above shot is both case and point.

47. Fatima

This shot freaks me out entirely. Fatima looks like she's decomposing (I bet the zombie-loving Lauren is sooooo jealous!). More disturbingly, she's also smiling. Putrefaction is enjoyable! Smiling through tears is for jerks and Hallmark cards, so I'mma make like a back-asswards, Photoshop-armed version of that kangaroo in the Kiddie City commercials and turn that frown right side up.

Ah, so much better. At least now she can decompose the way God intended.

48. Lauren

I don't even know if she was crying for sure. Perhaps her tongue went from sleeping to weeping and the result was a relative emotional swelling. All's I know is that I'm sad that she didn't bite a chunk out of Tyra's shoulder and spit it out while saying, "Yuh!"

But really, I can't believe that there was any emotion at all, since by this episode, Lauren seemed so completely and utterly...

...over it!

But you know who isn't? (Besides me, obviously?)

Tyraism of the Week No. 1 - "The only thing I saw that looked half decent is a mwah, mwah. Everything else was a piece of dookie."

I'm pretty sure that Tyra Banks is the only person on a major network who uses the word "dookie" on something of a regular basis, and that is maybe the No. 1 reason why I love her. I don't tend to use the word "dookie," myself, but I do appreciate when others do. Visceral word, that "dookie." The "oo" sound suggests relief, and I like how that falls into place.

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"If you wanna be a model, you gotta know how to be corny sometimes."

I'm so tempted to stop everything, everything, EVERYTHING I'm immediately and generally doing because, clearly, my work here is done.

Except, no it's not. If I didn't persevere, who'd ever say Katarzyna's name right?

1.

Katarzyna: Well, I was thinking it might be time for another lesson of how to say my name. Kuh-tar-zhin-a.
Everyone else: Katarlkadsflkajsjdfaslkjhewrhnbfa.
Katarzyna: There we go!

This poor girl, you know? Always having to teach lessons, going through life being literally misunderstood. That "Z" is so the pronunciation killer. People see it and their eyes cross and they start foaming at the mouth. Seriously. When you have a "Z" in your name, you give people rabies. Take it from someone who knows.

I think instead of lessons, Katarzyna should hand out educational materials. Things like...

...or perhaps...

...or even...

   

And you know people would still be mangling that shit, too. There'd be, like, different scenarios, and Tyra would be all, "Katarhyena! More coffee!" or "I'd like to get my shirts ironed, Katargina" or "Ma'am, I would like to return this Katarshmere sweater."

Because, I was thinking that it's time for a new Katarzyna Megamix. No one can say this girl's name right, except Paulina, which just goes to show that she's WAY TOO NICE. If she really knew a thing about asserting dominance, she'd willfully ignore Katarzyna's corrections and pronounce her name any damn way she wants. I mean, there's a reason why Tyra runs the show and Paulina's just judging it, right?

But then again, I don't know. When enough people can't say your name maybe it's time to pick a new name? I never identify myself via my last name for fear of spreading mood-altering diseases. Maybe "Kat" would be a nice compromise? I'm not saying that it's right, but it might be the way of dealing with this problem. Otherwise Katarduous is setting herself up for a lifetime of disappointment.

I'm glad she said something about it, though. I was ready to start calling her Katarzzzzzzzzz, but when she put those damn judges in their places, I perked right up. And speaking of perky...

...yowzah. Katartata's champagne-coupe-fillers kinda make me uncomfortable.

There, that's...well, you know what? That's not even better. Pasties are kind of like the word "dookie," in that they end up enhancing what they set out to obscure (boobs and the obscenity of shit, respectively). No pastarzynas for Katarzyna ever again, then.

2. Last week, I said that no gif would ever top the one of J doing the Pekingese. Well, give my computer a Trojan and tell me it's a condom, 'cause goddamn it, I was misguided.

I mean, that's just never-ending entertainment. If you could bottle the joy this gif is capable of bringing, I believe we could christen this the first working perpetual-motion machine. The holes in the ozone layer could be repaired by the ones in Anyway's brain.

I love that her response to this was, "Aw great!" Like she didn't want to insult the cobblestones or something! I suppose since Tyra wasn't there to do that deflating trombone, "Wah wah waaaaah" thing she loves so much, "Aw great!" was the next best alternative.

Which brings me to my major point: Anyway is so fucking good natured, I want to throttle her. But affectionately! Count how many times an episode she says, "Thank you so much!" It's so often that it's practically her catchphrase. OMG, a catchphrase that's a pleasantry? How fucking lame is that! So lame it's, like, something that I would do. I mean, Anyway is so fucking polite that when the lecherous porno shop-owner-cum-fashion designer Gui Mattiolo (more on him in a sec!) called her "so blonde," she said, "Thank you!" I mean, I'm not hating: I really appreciate anyone who can be so true to themselves and their kind so concisely.

"Thank you!" after, "You are so blonde," you know? Ha! Hey, Anyway, you have a vagina. "Thanks, man. I really appreciate it!"

She's so polite that she brings her own ethics to reality TV and they're actually...ethical.

"There's no sense in, like, bringing other people down to make yourself feel better." I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about, you blonde bundle of appreciation. Now, take some cat whiskers and some (more) proper eyebrows and shut up!

And, like, this shit?

Like, who does that? Who's that fucking courteous? Did she get blessed by the Dhali Lama as a child or something? Was she born on a courtesy desk? Is she the spawn of Elmo?

OMG, that's totally it. She's totally a Muppet.

And so, in sum...

...I give you your probable Next Top Model. As a Sesame Street enthusiast from the second my eyes could focus, I couldn't be happier at the probability. I can't wait to see her turn into a superhero next week.

A pretty, strong-woman puppet? It's almost too much for me to take.

3. This week, a reader named Serge emailed me with a theory that I'm so fucking jealous of: "Whitney = Blair from The Facts Of Life." I think it's safe to say that Serge just had another one of his brilliant ideas, as this is spot on. I mean, I don't think I have to even do a side-by-side to show you how Warnerian Whitney is:

I mean, watch this:

Hey, Whitney - your cousin has C.P., and you're totally jealous!

Hey, Whitney - Mrs. Garrett fucked Mr. Drummond and the ensuing awkwardness is what made her decide to start at Eastland!

Hey, Whitney - foie gras!

Hey, Whitney - your post-Facts existence will involve Bible-thumping and child-spanking advocacy!

Indeed. You gotta look good when you do that shit. Also, if that really were the case, then Jay Manuel's bitch-a-rina accusation would make a lot of sense.

What is a bitch-a-rina, by the way? A ballerina who's skipped a few meals? A bitch who eats beef-a-roni? I don't know, but I think that if it involves the plus-sized girl, it probably involves food.

4. The first Whitney gif above was her response to possible pornographer/probable groper Gui Mattiolo's assertion that, "You have great, great beautiful face." What a tool.

Also, my accusations of molestation are based solely on his appearance, and I know that that's so wrong, but, ugh. He's such a lech!

And then he told the girls to sit and spin and that was sooooo not cool, you guys.

Also? "She know how to present a dress, but she doesn't look fresh," he said about Dominique. Hello? What is not fresh about this?

I mean, for Christ's sake, she's missing a tooth! She's as fresh as a toddler!

Not gonna lie: I kind of want to make that into a poster.

5. Here's another shot of freshness:

Model?

(You're welcome.)

6. This Tyra Mail was cute...

...but I wish they would have Photoshopped Tyra's face onto something a little more appropriate. This would have been my choice:

7. This...

...is like some phone-sex ad for type-loving narcoleptics: Blonde girls, ooh. Black girlzzzzzzzz...

8. And this...

...looks like the promo art for a new Broadway show called The Queer Couple, starring Nathan Lane and Jay Manuel. The premise is that one's gay, and the other's gayer.

9. You know what I'm doing to miss the most about Lauren?

That cross-eyed, cat-nippy look she got in her eyes whenever she was made to walk. I wonder if she was somehow tapping into natural endorphins to cope with the pain of elegance?

I also wonder if she somehow got confused and thought her weave was going to become a basket.

It was getting all clumpy and...basket-like. I don't know. I'm sure a few more episodes and she could have safely kept things in that shit. I'm sure they would have fallen out on account of her perma-lurch. And I'm sure we missed out on great entertainment. Sigh.

Also?

She actually made that face during the commercial. She found it within herself to become part Claymation for a few mortifying nanoseconds. I feel as though this is an achievement.

10. What a commercial, right? I think Anyway summed it up best when she said, "You have to walk and use lipstick at the same time...and so it's a really hard challenge."

This is why I love reality TV. You can't make this shit up and if you could, it could only sound convincing coming from a Muppet woman.

11. And that brings me to this week's Pretty Party, which is a countdown of my Top 5 favorite facial expressions of Dominique during her Italian CoverGirl commercial, praised even by panel for its camp appeal. Here we go:

No. 5

No. 4

No. 3

No. 2

No. 1

And one reaction shot from the increasingly endearing Paulina...

...ends this week's Pretty Party.

There's only one thing left to say (consider it the moral of our story, if you will):

"Brazilia!"

Comments

[Angela]

OMG First....love you Rich

[Angela]

ps. Go ANYWAY you rule. Also does anyone have away of reaching through the TV and telling Whitney to take at least one picture with her mouth closed. Although the blowjob faces are priceless!

[jezebelly]

It irks the MESS out of me that nobody says Kartarzyna correctly. I hope she wins so that she can scream, "I am America's Next Top Model! ME! "Ka-tar-ZHEEEEEEEEEEEENA! Get it right, bitches!"

[Catsnstuff]

I've always been an avid lover of animated gifs, but you make it into an art. An art I tell yezzzz!

[mollie]

"Brazilia!" was the highlight of this episode for me, too! I think it was Dominique for "bellezza."

i am sick today and your post has make my day, bravo!

[Amanda]

Did anyone else notice that Dominique's face was like ten shades whiter than the rest of her face during the commercial shoot?

[Homophile]

You have really, truly outdone yourself with this one. I can't stop laughing.

[Bebop]

Whitney! I know she won't make it all the way, but damn I love that bitcherina. I could watch that gif of Anyway doing the face plant all day. Thanks Rich!

[Scarion]

This was one of those episodes where I was anticipating Rich's reactions. Especially to Anya's face-plant. Priceless hilarity. And Rich's gif is golden. Thank you and bless you for your own hilarity, rich.

[Karen]

Dominique's commerical totally reminded me of Pink Flamingos when Divine eats the poo.

[Jess]

Can't stop watching Anyway falling down...it's hypnotic!

[Nikita Tinypaws]

Did anyone else notice how HORRIBLE their makeup was for the commercial? Fatima looked purple and Dominique looked gray. Covergirl is so bad even professionals can't get it to look good.

[M]

Loved this recap! "Rock out with your tooth out" is my new motto. By the way, did you notice that Dominique bears an uncanny resemblance to the Grinch in the shot right above the "Rock out" one?

[Lea]

Still reading, but I just had to interject that during the whole Katarzyna thing. I said why doesn't she just go by Kat.

[johan]

ooh, i wish you had included the Tyraism of my life: as Tyra says "Thanks Katarzyna" or whatever, and pronounces it wrong, K-zyna says "Who?" and Tyra's like "whatever bitch this show is about me not you, go away."

Also the muppet trick is keeping the eyes still and moving the bottom part. You're reversed!

[kia]

Based on Lauren's body language I'm guessing her Italian translated said: The Kidnappers say you must put a plain paper bag full of money in the trash can outside of the Piazza di Spagna at exactly 12 o'clock...

[DIG]

Why did Fatima look gray in her commercial and Dominique's foundation also did not match. Guess Rome don't know how to make- up the coloreds on board.

[Steven]

Why DID she say "BRAZILIIA!" anyway? I mean, I didn't hear it in anyone else's commercial...

[anna c.]

I now officially refuse to buy any Cover Girl make-up after seeing what they did to Dominique's face!

[Gillian]

I'm sad that that Sarah Polley look-alike had to go. Also, you know if Katarzniyaia wins, she'll be known as Kat when she does her "My Life as a Cover Girl" spots. Obvs. But Anyway will win, so whatever.

[Noel]

I really was expecting Dominique to twirl around and say "that felt fabulous!" I feel like she is becoming Jade more and more and soon we'll see her in the top 3 as well.

[Individually Wrapped Slices]

I'm so happy right now I could cry. But I won't because it'll run my mascara. :) I'm so not model, I suppose.

Rich, my maiden name has a "z" in it and I feel your pain. I had to school everyone I met about the pronounciation. I got to the point where if they were close I just accepted it and thought "eh"...

Anywho, thanks for always making my Mondays worth waking up for. :)

[Maybelline Jones]

I think that the best part of this episode is that we no longer have to deal with the models reading each Tyra-mail in unison. I was about to stick something sharp in each of my ears if I had to deal with that scrolling screen they had at the NYC space.

A-men!

[hoolababy]

Best one in a while rich! thx :)

[EasterBuffy]

Nikita Tinypaws and DIG - you are both so right about CoverGirl's inability to make these women look half way decent.

I am gonna miss me some Lauren, though. Now that she's gone, I can admit she was my favorite. Wah. Another underdog/underzombie has bit the dust, heels and all. You'd think she'd be the one to eat the pavement face first, not butt first off a Segway, in heels, no less. Who's gonna stand on chairs and pour Fatima coffee in a wine glass now? But she would have been out after the go-sees anyway.

Rich, I am disappointed you didn't gif the eyeroll Dominique did at the beginning of her fake CG commercial. That was priceless. Not as priceless as Brazilia, but hey.

I loved how on their "Fashion Tour" of Rome, they just happened to pass all these women (read: models) out walking, eating ice cream, arms linked, looking perfect and pausing just long enough to let the camera (of which they were unaware, read: models) filming them. Where was this restraint when costuming the ANTM cast for this commercial? What amount of dead things/synthetic dead things did they skin to clothe these girls?

I've learned that the best way to read your blogs is to slowly scroll down so that the reveals aren't wasted in haste. Great job on the cat face for Anya. So glad my boss is at a conference right now.

Anya for the win!

I've always said people see the Z in my name and don't know what to do with themselves. I have one of those slavic last names that starts with a Z, so people tend to just mutter through it.

Great post!

[Stephanie]

Gui = Ricky Gervais. Only not clever.

Dominque face No. 3 = Chelsea or Hillary? You make the call.

[Mario]

http://fourfour.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2008/04/27/lauren_commercial.jpg

She kinda looks like she's part of Pee Wee's play house.

This made my morning.

Why do people still include the R when they try to give a "correct" spelling of Katarzena's name? The "RZ" in Polish is one sound. That's the problem with Tyra's pronounciation. She could pronounce the letters with a wrong accent, but she's also ADDING letters. In English you have "sh" as on sound, the "ch" as one sound, the "wh" as one sound... Same thing with Polish. We have sz's, cz's and rz's. So it's "kata-Zhena". Almost like Cat-a-Jenna.

I for one couldn't believe what a bitch Tyra was after that whole thing. Talking over her, making the girls make fun of her, and interrupting her at the end with her "whatever". So unbelievably rude. The other times she's been a bitch for effect, but this time she just was being mean and rude and such a hypocrite after everything she criticizes the girls for. It just shows how little time she actually spends with these girls when she doesn't even try to make the effort to learn the name right (she could be way more right than she is, even if it is hard to say perfectly).

[Emmy]

Did anyone else notice how creepily pale Dominique's face was during the commercial? the makeup artist must have something against her! Sure, it was already campy, but ghost face killah was sure making it worse!

[milkyaqua]

The stupid part about the Katarzyna name thing is that Tyra knows how to pronounce it correctly as she's done it before. She's just mispronouncing it on purpose because she's an ass. Katarzyna is also known to go by Kate so even that would have been better than mangling her name just to try and be funny. She's not winning though; she's not even getting to F3 if Tyrant has her say.

Dom and Fats' make-up was bad. I don't know what they were doing in Dom's case but Fats' skin is so uneven and blotchy and bad... Although Bianca's make-up last cycle sucked too so who knows?

Whitney or Bitchney? Hard to tell. Her commercial was over-the-top because she had to keep using that phony giggle in each and every segment...enough! Talk about overkill.

Anya smells like cupcakes. Lauren needs to stick to print and I'm sure any agency that books her won't list her under runway unless they're prepared to provide her some serious runway training.

Lastly, Tootie. So, all of the girls at that table were younger and prettier than she was unsurprisingly. Also, when she was talking about being fierce and fresh, she had as many forehead rolls as Dom of the Dead.

[Couponita]

This is my first comment on your blog which i read religiously.

You are truly gifted. I don't think I have ever laughed so hard out loud in my office alone until today when I saw Tyra face on Munch's The Scream.

Brilliant!!

[LisaL]

OMG I wanted to punch Tyra when she purposely pronounced Kat's name wrong. What a freaking bitch. You know she would've been up in arms if someone pronounced her name wrong. She could've at least just said screw it.. and called her Kat.
I foresee Kat going next week though. Tyra did NOT like being corrected and you could totally tell she was holding back that angry godzilla from biting off Kat's head.

As for Dominque... uuuuuuugh.. when is the 60yo toothless smoker going to go home already! I swear she is the fugliest girl I've ever seen on this show! I dunno why they let her in other than they saw she was going to bring drama.

[Jana]

tyra HATES katar-zhun-a! HATIN!

[LisaL]

Easterbuffy.... yeah those italian women were definitly hired models...
We went to Italy last year, and they DO dress up like that. I don't remember seeing a single Italian woman dressed like us (americans).
We went to Venice and Verona and a few other smaller places, and Italian women definitely know how to put it together. You could immediatly tell who was foreign and who was Italian just by the way they dressed.
Even the high school kids that we saw on the trains were dressed to the 9.

So although ANTM had to hire those girls... I know that they could've really had just filmed random women down the street and gotten the same exact result.

[RD]

I find it hilarious that Cover Girl has a line of makeup designed for people of color that makes them look like clowns.

[Steve Abramson]

There was a thread awhile ago over on the IMDB site called: "You know you've watched too much ANTM when..."

Well I can now safely finish that sentence with "...you can call out what Rich is going to mock on Mondays!" (by the way there are several people, myself included, who have plugged your website when it has come up... hope you don't mind)...

Thank you for not only including the falling Anya gif; but for including that one shot of Dominique in her (I can only pray it's night cream) facial saying "roll?"... I know it was a strange place requesting that on your Winston post... but as soon as I saw that Anya gif, I knew I had to chop off my dick and insert a new vagina 'cause I said I'd have your next lovechild.

Don't know how I missed out on Brazilia? I didn't think it was possible for anything to outshine Jade's CG improv commercial, and I'm only disappointed Jade's reign lasted 2 years... imagine that!

Funniest one in ages Rich - the material from this episode just guaranteed it -

Must choke on lunch and watch Anya fall and Dominique praise another country one more time... (and I love Anya getting her languages corrected)

Steve

[Emily]

Emmy yes! The fact that her makeup was at least three shads lighter than her skin drove me CRAZY!

[Shanghaishrimpo]

I could watch Anyway's face plant gif 4-ever! Thank you.

[R]

My favorite part came during Dominique's horrible commercial viewing: you could totally see Katarzyna bent over laughing at how bad the commercial is! Kat for the win!

[aim]

So, I'm pretty sure Anyway has to win it. It seems like a pre-requisite that America's Next Top Model must not be able to speak normally. The "My Life As A CoverGirl" commercials must have a girl with a silly accent, like Jaslene. (Well, saLIEsha just talks weird, like she doesn't really want to be there)

No comment on when Miss Jay said something like "I'm pretty sure she's a man" about Dominique?!? Disappointing.

[venerando]

In Lauren's defense (because I loved her :[) in later interviews she said that the reason why she looked so bored in the bus when they first got there was she was just very, very annoyed at how all the girls were freaking out and screaming about the Coliseum and the other sites. She said something along the lines of, "When you go to the Met, you don't scream when you see a piece of art. You absorb it and enjoy it."
I'm going to miss her D:

And I feel for Katarzyna man. Growing up with the name Venerando is no picnic either!

[HoBuster]

Now that the judges have admitted they are keeping Dominique around because they enjoy mocking her I feel a bit badly for the toothless hag. "She looks not fresh" is fashion code for "Bitch too old!" The poor delusional girl has no future as a model(top, bottom or otherwise)and they're just stringing her along for the entertainment value of crushing her dream. No, wait... I forgot that's the whole premise of this show.

[Vanessa]

As many of you, I immediately noticed poor Dominique's weirdly white face which made her commercial inevitably camp out of the gate(and thus the camp wasn't entirely her fault? Maybe?) Is Cover Girl that shitty? I confess I do like Outlast lipstick.

Anyway (combined with Heather from Rock of Love, natch) is my mentor on life now. How can anyone be that sweet? I can't even find a part of me that wants to mock her for sincerely discussing the logistical nightmare that is walking and applying lipstick. Ok, maybe a small part of me. Anyway wasn't built in a day after all.

Did Lauren's CoverGirl ad remind anyone else of Caridee's Catalan commercial a few seasons ago?
(not dogging on her. I think I'm one of the few Caridee lovers.)

[cdawg]

BRAZILIA-nt.... as usual.

I hope Kat doesn't win - she has actual model potential!

[Alice]

I knew Lauren was in for it once I saw her walking around with her hoodie up. That's how Marvita went out.

[cloudy]

There was a near fatal stabbing here in Seattle when some girls were watching ANTM & one of them was TALKING during it.
http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/360576_model25.html

[redb]

The redone Tyra mail with The Scream was brilliant. Or BRAZILIANT! if we're talking Dominique. (Yeah been done I know.)

Wasn't the CoverGirl line being used the one Queen Latifah is promoting? Shouldn't that guarentee it looking a bit better on browner skin than it did?

Did Tyra's fake Italian accent irritate ther hell out of anyone else? I don't mind it when someone is speaking the language but she was switching from pronouncing Italian words with the correct accent to a fuggeddabboudit-New-York-I've-watched-too-many-
episodes-of-The-Sopranos stereotype.

[Annie]

I'm sort of partial to the 4th picture down:

http://shoesonwrong.livejournal.com/196102.html#cutid1

[L.Fab]

I think Steve Abramson needs to get out of my head and into my car!
Brilliant, as usual Rich. You make Monday's worth getting out of bed for... even though I'm reading this while in bed.
Poor Katarzyna, I feel her pain. My name starts with Z and even my family can't pronounce it properly!

[BartenderJay]

First of to HoBuster- Caridee is my all time fav ANTMer!!!!!

Second- Tyra makes these girls "learn" Italian and mocks them when they can't read it/memorize it, but did ya'll notice Tyra had a cue card and kept glancing at it when she "said" in Italian "Which one of these girls will be the first to go back to America?" Or something like that. Bitch.

Katarzyna for the win, BTW.

[venerando]

2nd comment from me today.

Just a question:
If you had the chance to go on the Tyra Show and just talk about shit (idk what...your blog and recaps, ANTM, Tyra herself because no matter what she'll make it about herself anyway, vag arms, etc. etc.), would you?

[Joan]

Tyra owes you at least an exclusive interview for for keeping so many of us interested in ANTM just to be able to enjoy your blog posts.

The photoshopped fine art was a scream (so shoot me, it was there for the taking).

Thanks, Rich!

[Joan]

Me again...maybe the Cover Girl Queen collection is actually for Queen Elizabeth this time out?

http://images.salon.com/ent/movies/review/2007/10/12/elizabeth/story.jpg

[summer]

that was a nice recap! funny how i'll wait until 3 days after ANTM to watch it, but with your recaps, I'm there Monday morning refreshing like a mugg...

anybody notice that the guy introducing the italian designer looked like mr. jay's older italian platinum-colored uncle?

and to add to the chorus, yes, the makeup was deplorable. reminds me of the terrible pancake job done on my face back at merle norman circa 1992.

[Tim]

I was waiting all week for that GIF of Anyway falling out of the van from the moment I saw it happen. Made my week.

[Alien]

You didnt mention how Polina and Miss Jay admitted Doms a man.
The the Soup made fun of it too. Priceless!

[Cdnluv4winston]

Great recap this week! I'm so glad I found your blog...Winnie and Rudy AND someone who watches ANTM closer then I do (and I get all OCD about it trust me!)

As soon as I saw the fall I knew it would make an appearance on here - Anyway is pure gold! Am I the only one who thinks she's kinda like Luna from the Harry Potter movies?

I was in the States this week-end and MTV has Top Model on it? that's way awesome...I watched Season 3 (by far the best season) all day Sunday!

[Deb]

Note to self: put on Depends before reading Rich's ANTM recaps!

Seriously dude, you had me ROFLMAOPMP.

Tyra's a Kat-hater. I do think she's mispronouncing it on purpose to "toughen her up, because clients aren't going to pronounce your name right either". You know, because Tyra's a giver.

Is it me, or does Fatima look like Starvin' Marvin? More so that Furonda during the bald alien shoot.

[Daria]

Brazillia totally reminds me how much I want Tyra to bring back the mandatory brazillian waxes of cycle 1 or making the models late getting to pick up find their own way to photo shoots. Miss it all.

[Sarah]

Katarshmere sweater! LOL!

[Katie]

I'm so mad that Tyra keeps pronouncing Katarzyna's name wrong, but I'm glad she tried to correct her. My name is also Katarzyna, so it hurts my ears whenever Tyra butchers it (actually, it reminds me of the first day of school when we do roll call). I go by Kate for that reason; majority of people can't pronounce it worth shit.

I found the worst thing about Tyra's pronunciation is more of the first part, although it sucks as a whole- Tyra says "CAR-TAR-zeena"... goodness gracious.

[Yamini]

Being Italian meant this episode was pure torture for me to simply listen to. Tyra and the group trying to speak... I now feel sorry for every single other cycle in other countries. Oh man.

Though, Brasilia was hilarious. I am taking that gif!

[Amy]

About Katarzyna's name, she regularly goes by Kate. I have no idea why Tyra makes her go by Katarzyna.

Anyway falling is priceless.

Rich I love you.

[Eebs]

Ok, a few things:

Epiphany: Dominique totally looks like Ron Perlman as The Beast in Beauty and the Beast, that fabulous show from the 80's starring Linda Hamilton.

Also, I can't get over how much of a Martha Plimpton/Sarah Polley combo Lauren is.

Finally, I think Whitney might actually take this one. They always knock the models down and build them back up a few episodes before the finale. I think it'll be Anyway, Whitney and Katinka for Top 3.

[Fair]

Lauren wanted us to think she loathed fashion and never heard a britney song and whatever while wearing in a modeling competition a bandana as if she were ready to ride the rails which is why gutter punk crusty kids wear them.
its like when j.crew saw what grunge kids were wearing and started selling designer flannel shirts and ripped jeans.
she clearly took something from the punk lifestyle and wore it as a fashion statement which is what she claims to hate. ugh. she sucked.

[otswego]

When the girls are heading to a photo shoot and Jay Manuel is standing off the in distance, it's like he's a gay mirage.

[Sofia]

I almost thought you weren't going to comment on "BRAZILIA!". I'm glad you saved it for the very end.

I can't believe that Dominique is still there and Lauren is gone. There is no justice in the world.

[mel]

Yay Kat's nipples!!! Lauren, you will be missed.

[david]

Dalai Lama***

[Laketa]

Great recap!

Dominique is a fucking goddess. The best since Jade, no doubt. I hope she wins. Not that that will ever happen, but I hope she gets her appropriate spot as the shitstirrer who places third.

[Clara]

Paulina's top should have stayed in 1992!!!

Thank you for the recap. The gif IS entertaining ;))

I hope that Kat isn't cut because the judges can't pronounce her name (hell, I can't even pronounce her name which is why I just called her Kat!)because she's obviously the frontrunner. I don't see what the fuss is about Anya, I don't think she's ugly, but (I don't want to be mean) but she is kind of dim sometimes.

Is it me or does Whitney look more and more like Kristy Swanson with every passing week?

[Erika]

Before this cycle, I thought that cutting the plus-size models mid-way because of "not enough personality/drive" (makes me think of cycle 5's Diane) was a copout. She's got a size 0 model's personality in a size 10 model's body. I'm glad to see a plus size model make it to the top 5.

[Philippe]

Best recap of the season so far!

[sammit]

And Tyra's voiceovers still pronounce it "ka-TAR-zhe-na," even though you know she dubbed it all like a month after she got corrected.

[spazmo]

Heh, Blair...
I was watching some clips from the "Big Gay Sketch Show" on YouTube yesterday and came across that (in)famous Facts of Life spoof. Oh my god - if Tyra ever steps down, Paul Vogt as Mrs. Garrett would be a perfect replacement.
"Girls, girls, GIRLS! What are you doooing?"

Love how Anyway's hair tries its hardest to break her fall by fanning out like the wings of some kind of feeble yellow bird.

Best recap ever, Rich!

[VinnieG]

Dominique is from my town and I saw her today. I could not believe that she is actually not ugly in person and she actually looks her age too. . .shocked the hell out of me after seeing her looking all soccer mom this cycle.

[Maggs]

Gui Mattiolo? Looks just like Shaun's friend from Shaun of the Dead. Freaky.

[Gwen]

One of the best recaps ever! Blair/Whitney? AWESOME. Also, Brazilia? AWESOME! RIP Lauren. I, for one, will miss you.

[Salvo]

The best part of that commercial was how they were juxtaposed with giant prosciutti hanging from the ceiling. Would you like more ham with that ham?

[Christi]

I was hoping that you'd touch on Miss J's sign after Lauren's commericial:
"HELL to the NO!"
That was fabulous.

[JP]

ummm also in typical tyra fashion she makes herself the mona lisa (enough said on that) which is IN FRANCE.
NOT
ITALY

[caitlin]

did it piss anyone else off how tyra gave lauren a hard time for *not* hamming it up, but then turned around and gave whitney a hard time for hamming it up? i mean, i know about moderation and all, it just seemed a bit hypocritical. i hope i'm remembering it properly, because no one else mentioned it...

[Az]

Where's the gif of Paulina and (Miss) Jay mocking Whitney? Because that was easily the most wonderful moment in the show.

[princemoney]

i love paulina since day one. she is hillarious!!!!!!

[manggy]

Oh my GOD! I almost couldn't tell that you replaced the Scream face with Tyra's! That is freaky!

GREAT recap :)

[Colin]

I actually am way going to miss lauren. She was the main reason I was watching the show. Her total and complete awkwardness both socially and physically (her "couture" pose was priceless) kept me coming back. Tyra's gonna have to up her "dookie" wordcount to get me to finish this cycle.

[Colin]

I actually am way going to miss lauren. She was the main reason I was watching the show. Her total and complete awkwardness both socially and physically (her "couture" pose was priceless) kept me coming back. Tyra's gonna have to up her "dookie" wordcount to get me to finish this cycle.

[SARAH C]

holy Lord Rich!

when i was watching this episode and Dominique said "BRAZILIA!" I literally said out loud "FourFour moment!" and there it was right there at the bottom for me! THANKS SO MUCH!

great recap as always (actually this one is better than some of the past ones, I think Anyway falling had something to do with that lol)

speaking of that picture, i watched that gif like 6 times and laughed SO hard every time! lol ok

thanks again for the laughs
have a great day!

[John44]

This was one of your best!
I took the Anya falling gif, if you don't mind.

[blasphemy squad]

: Eebs | April 28, 2008 at 05:42 PM

Lauren wanted us to think she loathed fashion and never heard a britney song and whatever while wearing in a modeling competition a bandana as if she were ready to ride the rails which is why gutter punk crusty kids wear them.
its like when j.crew saw what grunge kids were wearing and started selling designer flannel shirts and ripped jeans.
she clearly took something from the punk lifestyle and wore it as a fashion statement which is what she claims to hate. ugh. she sucked.

but lauren is a a rail rider!! read her interviews!i would'nt be suprised if tyra bribed lauren with the promise of food and a warm bed to sleep in.

[Bo Davis]

I love you Rich, and it's a love that knows no boundaries or limitations. If only I could gain access to a timemachine so I could go back a few years and convince you to start recapping sooner, then I'd have Cycles 1 through 4 to read back regularly when I'm bored at work.

Having said that, I am perhaps just a wee bit disappointed at the exclusion of Lauren's AMAZING "Crap, crap, crap. Covergirl". If that's not the best Covergirl related line in the history of the show, I don't know what is.

[divaTy]

The stirrup pants on those Kiddie City ladies are ROCKING MY WORLD.

[yggy]

Tyra has now reached minus points of respect with me. What she did/said to Kat was WRONG and disrespectful and...crap.crap.crap. Thanks Lauren! If Kat makes it past next week, I'll be surprised. Whatever happens, though, I wish her and Anya amazingly huge careers in the fashion/modeling world. Anya, I hope, is as genuine as she's been appearing these last few episodes. Taking food to Fatima was a sweet gesture. Whitney aka Blair (lol, too true) is a jealous witch (ha ha, pun intended) and I won't miss her when she leaves.

The italian designer creep...blech! Even if I do agree Dominique doesn't look fresh, he was still blech.

Thanks for the continued re-capping, Rich. How you can bring yourself to do it with this pos* show, I don't know, but we love you for it! (*I really used to enjoy the stupidity of this show until last season...now it's like kicking dead things on the street, wah.)

[Trish in NoCal]

I think the only way we haven't heard Kat's name pronounced is like "Cartagena"...you know, the town in Romancing the Stone that Kathleen Turner was trying to get to so she could save her sister but instead she got hijacked and hooked up with Michael Douglas, which impressed him so much that he did a face plant into her crotch.

Good movie.

[Donna]

OMG, Whitney is so Blair!

[Jane]

Johan - I was completely expecting a comment on Tyra's "whatever" too! "Whatever, bitch. Is your name Tyra? No? Then it don't matter."

There's no way Kat is winning this thing. You know Tyra's looking for any excuse to boot her. And Paulina doesn't mispronounce Kat's name because she's Czech, so the Polish "z" wouldn't give her rabies like it does to most North Americans.

[America's next top best friend]

I'm sure I missed the boat on this, but has anyone else noticed they haven't done judging tests in a while? You know, when the girls have to adapt something they learned at that week's "teach" into something modelesque to present at "panel". The last one I remember is when Melrose had to box joyfully. BTW, it's pronounced Catter-Gyna.

[bazooka joe]

I am the only one who can't stand Anya's voice??? It is so grating...she sounds like a chola w/ down syndrome! Oh and Whitney=Blair...perfection. I was expecting an updated Lisa Whelchel album cover w/ Whitney's face those. "Be a good girl..."

[g]

BRAZILIA!!!!!!!!!

[Qbot]

How come NOBODY has yet to comment on the intense Italian hotness that was Claudio?

Ack! my loins, they flame....

[starstattoo]

Rich, dearest Rich,

Will you be looking Lauren up soon and inviting her over for cannibal-zombie movie marathons? Please say yes. Please please please.

Also, I think the only significant difference between Cycle 9's Heather and Cycle 10's Lauren is a professional diagnosis. They are on a Ass-burger's-Awkward-ANTM spectrum, one that also includes Cycle 2's Shandi and Cycle 4's Michelle.

I think Tyra may have Katarina Witt stuck in her head (doing double-axles, of course), since her main fuck-up seems to be pronouncing Katarzyna's name with the emphasis on the wrong syllable. It's Kuh-TARzh-i-nuh, not Kat-arr-ZEEN-uh.

Of course, we also mispronounce Vladimir and Boris (Vluh-DEE-meer and Boh-REECE are correct Russian), so maybe Slavs can never win with Americans.

[Mardi]

DUUUUUUDE... your fourfour banner today is from Earth Girls Are Easy! Oh Rich, how I love you. You know ALL the cheesy pop culture references I know and love, and THEN some!

I am SO glad that Lauren is gone, it bothered me so much how she lumbered like a mentally challenged ghost with wooden ghost-legs.

I hope to god that Kat doesn't go next week, she's way more deserving than someone like Dom. Kat should make it to top 3.

And Whitney is TOTALLY Blair. I have no idea why I didn't see it before.

[mariaaaaa]

Posted by: starstattoo | April 29, 2008 at 02:07 PM: "Also, I think the only significant difference between Cycle 9's Heather and Cycle 10's Lauren is a professional diagnosis. They are on a Ass-burger's-Awkward-ANTM spectrum, one that also includes Cycle 2's Shandi and Cycle 4's Michelle."
OMG! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Brilliant! I think I would also include Cycle 6's Brooke and her near pathological shyness.

[Carrie]

Omg, Rich, in dom_quietserenity, doesn't Dominique look like the grinch??? with the curve of her evil smile and everything!!

[Mooshki]

OMG, Dominique hooked up with Ronaldo! (Check out picture #4.)

[Dara]

Rich...I just wanna give you a big 'ol sqeeeeeeze!!! I just adore you to bits!!!

I wish you could recap ALL the reality TV out there. Dammit, somebody should be paying you big bucks!!!!!

More video recaps, too!!

[christopher]

there's a possible spoiler on wikipedia:

if you go to saleisha's wikipedia entry, down at the bottom, it will have a directory of who she succeeded and who will succeed her... anya is listed as her successor.

[Bebe]

Beautiful as always! I thought for a second your cat drawing of Anyways was going to be a Shmoo: http://www.3dretro.com/shop/images/Shmoo.jpg

The resemblance is uncanny - down to the personality!

[Elizabeth]

why was dominiques face so white? Does cover girl not have make up for black girls?

[Sarah]

I would like to think that when Lauren gets off the plane back in the US, Marvita will be waiting for her with a 40 and a DVD of Chopper Chicks in Zombie Town.

[jess]

best recap all season. so many good bits, hard to single any 1 out.

btw, possible spoiler: wikipedia has chart of call-out order, challenge winner, elimination, etc. It is filled out for all episodes this season/cycle, including those yet to be aired.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/America%27s_Next_Top_Model%2C_Cycle_10

[jess]

ok - sometimes I forget that wikipedia isn't real. but, then, neither is ANTM.

but, oh. that tyra scream? so real. and Munch? so fashionable. Especially behind contestant Sara(h), confessing in next cycle's abroad location: "Oslo fashion week is so important for a model. It is the center of scandanavian fashion."

[kate]

Every time Tyra says "Ciao bellas" I want to punch her. It's belle! Belle!!! Pluralizing words with an "s" is sooo Cycle 7.

[Julia]

Three things that made me totally smile and laugh out loud, one made me spit out my
coffee. (ewww)

1. "Like, who does that? Who's that fucking courteous? Did she get blessed by the Dhali Lama as a child or something? Was she born on a courtesy desk? Is she the spawn of Elmo?"

I will now use those lines, and credit you.

2. "The Queer Couple". I would totally watch it.

3. Kattazzzaaaahhhnananana..for Dummies, etc.

Thank you:)
Julia

[pookie poo]

did anyone catch that when tyra mispronounced Katazhina's name and Katarzhina tried teaching her again and Tyra was like "Katarina....whatever...just go" what a bitch.

[BannedonCW]

I pronounce Tyra's name like TIRE, as in a big fat ass truck tire.

[emla]

A coworker went to college with Katarzyna and in real life she goes by "Kat." I bet the producers or cruel, evil Tyra put her up to using her full, unpronouncable Z-name for TV. Sigh.

Anyway FTW?

[colorblot]

no "hell to the no"? :(

[Colleen]

Rock Out With Your Tooth Out makes an excellent desktop background/wallpaper!

[Rk]

OMG, I'm still laughing at Tyra as "The Scream"... That's my favorite photo ever.

[Philip in Tampa]

While Whitney is quite Blair Bitch Project, do you realize who she really acts like? PATTY HEARST in any John Waters movie. She even has that awkward laugh. I call Whitney Anna Nicole Blair Patty for the win!

[Mimi Harris]

*******SPOILER ALERT FOR THOSE THAT HAVEN'T SEEN TODAY'S EPISODE***********

On the new episode today Kat got eliminated, and I noticed something:

This whole season I thought this bitch had a freaking accent, and it ends up she has no accent at all. Then I realized, this is the most she's talked all season, if she had only let that through, rather than repeating how to say her foreign name, she could've gone further.

I'm just saying.

[skylerharvey]

ever since the season with Caridee, i think its always been easy to tell who is going to win the cycle. cycle 10 is clearly going to be taken by Anyway. i'm really looking forward to seeing what you have to say now that Katarzyna has been eliminated, especially since you wrote a good amount about her in this article. :]

[Whateverbitch]

Tyra was so bitchy his week, I wanted to slap her when she pronounced Katarzyna's name wrong right after she told her how to say it then told her whatever.

[elle b.]

Saleisha looked STUNNING tonight.

she's the essence of pure success, booking two major fashion shows.

rich, i honestly wish you had screencaps of saleisha. girl has never looked better!

later fag!

[Wiglet]

Oh, my god, cat-nip! It's perfect! I haven't been able to characterize her walk until I read that! Amazing.

[Judy]

I love your blog, but I disagree with you about Anya. I think her graciousness is a nice change from the cattiness of the other contestants.

[MJ]

wtf was up with fuglynique's extremely white face? it made her look scarier than she already is!
great recap rich!!

[j.adia]

I've been saying in my mind that Whitney looks like Blaire Warner forevery. I'm glad someone else noticed!!!

[siren823]

For me, it is mystifying how Lauren made it as far as she did. During the whole cycle, she was very up front about not wanting to be there, not being into fashion. Shocking that Tyra didn't give her one of her mommy lectures about how she had to want it. She made it all the way to Rome while other people who cared didn't.
I stopped watching when Clare was eliminated. She was gorgeous and she had that "it" factor. So did Katarzyna. My guess is that, after Saleisha's "surprise" win last year, Tyra is really having to make it difficult to guess who might win this year. Eliminating the girls who have a chance of a career is a great way to do that. I would say that Anya has it in the bag at this point but Tyra is too smart for me.
Damn her.

[Sonny_Amou]

You know, with the remaining finalists this season, you've pretty much got the primary cast for a Josie & The Pussycats remake. Dye Katarzyna's hair red, and she's Josie, Fats could play Valerie, and Anya would be the dippy drummer Melody. Your pick of Whitney or Toothy could play Alexandra.

Katarzyna's pasties and Anya's pratfall on infinite loop made me think of this. Not much of a reach, really. Oh yeah, the Paulina jpg in this post actually makes a great wallpaper on my laptop. Shuddering in fear of "real work" on the left hand side.

[Brittanie]

That first picture of Dominique looks like Iggy Pop. Can we see a side-by-side?

[fisticuffs]

I miss Lauren the same way that I miss Martha Plimpton, for the simple reason that they are the same person. Witness their delicious awkwardness, their perpetual roles as outsider/batshit-crazy voice of reason, and tell me that you're not getting a full-on Goonies/Parenthood chubby. Especially Parenthood, since Lauren's wardrobe samples every one of Martha's costumes from that movie.

[Elizabeth]

It's endolphins...

[margogo]

Rock Out Wit Yo' Tuf Out

[kylie]

anya's faceplant is the shit, and it's like the nectar of the heavens that you made a GIF out of it. thank you rich, i think i'll start calling you Jesus now.

[ttbb]

What on earth are endolphins???

[leepo]

"The Queer Couple" comment and picture made me love you all over again, Rich.

[lemon]

I've always thought Lauren looked like Martha Plimpton of Goonies fame. It's uncanny! Love the blog, I've been a fan since last season.

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000588/

[frozenbeneath]

oh god.
i still can't pronounce her name

i'm just going to call her katar-gina, with gina as in the girl's name gina,

but then again,
now that it's spelt out... it looks like
katargina as in VAgina.
great.

now all i think whenever i see katazyna's name is cat-vagina.

[Ems]

Oh my god if I have to hear Tyra mispronounce Katarzyna's name one more time I might have to kill myself. It's not just that she's mispronouncing it, it's that she's obnoxiously mispronouncing it and believing herself to be right, even after Katarzyna corrects her (again and again). And she can't even bother to pronounce it right on promos and shit. It's obvious enough already that you don't care, Tyra, but really?

[bella]

rich, you are such a sexy bitch. love you. where's winston?

[mollie]

BTW, Rich, I wanted to run something by you: when the "rolling" Tyra Mail clue came up, and Anya said, "We're going to be on the river!", did you take that as a reference to Proud Mary? Because I sure did.