Busted-up, broke-down models

(Image courtesey Jonno and his Flickr.)

So, I have to admit that I was dreading this. The past four months have been blissfully recap-free in these parts, and the vacation of sorts more than made up for the hit my traffic took as a result. I worried about getting back into these recaps -- had I lost my touch? Did I even have anything to say about this show anymore? Was I still willing devote all the time that these recaps recaps?

I still wasn't sure as I watched the opening of the admittedly awesome Cycle 9 premiere of ANTM on Wednesday. And then, my destiny became clear. There was no turning back. See, just a few minutes in, there it was, smiling at me:

Ah. This image is so comforting, it's as though I'm reentering the womb...through Tyra's arm.

It feels so good to be back.

But really, what the fuck was up with that showgirl shit? What was she even going for besides, you know, laughs at her expense? At first, I thought it was maybe a Priscilla, Queen of Dessert (you know that extra S is intentional, too) type of thing, but no, that's not exactly it. She wasn't sassy or sexy...more Seussy, really.

You know? Except, I don't think that Tyra's really Thing 3. That number is far too low. She is, after all, "real size," and thus needs a Thing number that reflects such realness.

Holla, baby.

And now, let's cry.

1. Heather

Oh what fun it will be to ride Heather. I didn't think it was possible for me to love her more, but then I realized that she broke this cycle's seal. Rapture.

2. Marvita

Hey, guess why she's crying? Because Tyra stuck her fingers in Marvita's tear ducts and manually manipulated them.

3. Ebony

Ditto.

4. Jennifah

God, Joss Stone is getting really desperate, isn't she? At least she's aware enough of the sorry state of her career to weep.

5. Lisa

Lisa believes that participating in ANTM constitutes positive behavior. She has no idea: she's inspired me to spend the past five days laughing at her. I believe that Lisa is our future.

6. Some chick

First rule of modeling: don't obscure your face. Better luck next time, Anonymiss. See ya!

7. Sylvia

Sylvia reports that after being rejected, she'll die a little every time someone asks her if she's a model. A little? Not fast enough!

8. & 9. Saliesha and Sylvia

Just typing that out gives my fingers that distinct spin-off single. Saleisha & Sylvia would be the CW's half-hour comedic update of the Linda Hamilton/Ron Perlman drama series Beauty and the Beast, except with 25 percent more neck rolling and about 100 percent more synthetic hair. Engagements, personal-assistant swapping and ice-cream eating would ensue. In all honesty, the fact that Saleisha is openly weeping for her departing sistahgirl shows that she is both beautiful inside and out. But more on this wonderful creature on a second.

10. Jennifah

She wants this so bad. Jennifah may not have been able to stick around, but at least she performed a public service in her brief time on the CW -- the look on her face provides an answer to the age-old question that is: "How's it feel to want?" I know I've been wondering it for years. Years!

11. Jenah

I love that her name has "nah" at the end of it. My thoughts exactly!

12. Lisa

God, bitch, have some patience. Don't you know that your stripper-not-stripper ass is about as close to a dramatic arc as we've got this episode and therefore you must be called last to preserve the order of the ANTM universe? How could you not know that?!?

13. Jennifah

"Waaaah!" sounds the same in regular English and in Bostonian English. Fact!

14. Lisa

In this shot, catharsis + Mr. Burns' frailty + my middle-school librarian's frizz = ...a model. Seriously.

15. Jessica

Poor is the woman who cannot recognize a mercy killing. I don't know if I've ever seen less humane casting in my life.

16. Some chick

I wonder if her utter lack of screen time made her cry all over again when the show premiered.

17. Spontaniouse

Spontaniouse? Combustion.

And you know, I was crazy to even consider not covering this show. It is now I realize how empty my life has been without the wit and wisdom of Tyra Banks. I'm so glad that this episode offered plenty of it.

Tyraism of the Week No. 1 - "Modeling is not about being the most beautiful girl in the room. America's Next Top Model strives to find girls who have a distinct something. That je ne sais quoi. That controversial, debatable beauty that defies description."

OK, right now I want to take time out of transcribing to say that as these were the first words uttered of Cycle 9, it's safe to say that Tyra hit the ground spinning. All of this translates to: "After five years, you best believe we're scraping the bottom of the barrel, y'all!" It made me yearn for the start of every other cycle: that shrill "BEING A TOP MODEL...!!!!" that can elicit Pavlovian drooling, at least in my experience.

Tyra continues:

"But what is beauty to you? Is it odd, edgy, bizarre? Or safe, clean, predictable?"

I'll interrupt again to point out that for both scenarios, pictorial examples are provided...

Of course, they are of Tyra. The result? "To me, it's all beautiful." Well, of course it is, now isn't it?

But wait. It's not over yet!

"My mission has always been to expand what America considers beautiful, question what makes a model and open up the world of fashion to young women everywhere." Well, doesn't she sound defensive? Did the Vatican criticize her or something? Also, I feel really discriminated against. That should read "...open up the world of fashion to young women, gay guys and the str8 boys who love them, but not like that unless they're, like, tipsy. Tee hee." Represent!

Tyraism of the Week No. 2 - (To Saleisha) "OK, I'm not gonna sit here and pretend like I don't know you. You went to my T-Zone camp years ago, and because of that, I'm gonna be harder on you." So I guess the rule of you-scratch-my-back-I'll-scratch-yours does not exist in Tyra's world? Or maybe Tyra just wants to test the limits of Saleisha's T-Zone-derived confidence?

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

"Any girl that gives me a simulated kitty-cat wax is fine with me." OMG! Please tell me that this is the cycle in which Tyra goes gay! Please!

Things are already moving along nicely.

And yes, I manipulated that to make it infinitely more porno, but whatever. She was asking for it.

Tyraism of the Week No. 4

"I hear that you've been through a lot a lotta lotta stuff in your life. Tell me about growing up and all the things that you went through and all the tragedy!" She sounds so sunny, doesn't she? I couldn't believe that they kept this and its equally moisture-seeking sister, "Why don't you talk about that?" in the show. It's seriously tangible evidence of insensitivity and manipulation. I think she's even proud of it. I'd be disgusted if said insensitivity and manipulation didn't keep me so consistently entertained. If keeping this in the show is tanamount to gloating, I say, go on and gloat. Be proud of your empire, your T-Zone and your t-zone, TyTy.

Tyraism of the Week No. 5

(To nasty-ass Ebony) "So you know where your pain comes from and you know why you lash out at other people. There's a reason that everybody is the way that they are. And that's your way. Don't think I'm judging you I just wanted to get into why." First of all, nice one, Sigra Franks.

You know, if ever I feel guilty about all the shit that I talk (it hasn't happened yet, btw, but I'm all kinds of agnostic and therefore have undying faith in possibility), I'll definitely make myself feel better with this kind of rationalizing. In fact, I think I'll name my memoir, or at least the part that covers this stage of my life, Getting Into Why. Or maybe I'll take Tyra's more implicit cue and just name it The Anal Stage. Either way, thanks Tyra!

I bet you think that I'm done with Tyra. You are foolish, and I feel OK to tell you that straight-up because I know that you went to T-Zone. You can take it. Did you notice anything about Tyra this episode (besides her hair being of the just-had-a-baby-no-longer-caring level of limpness)? I did! She was such a bitch! Here are nine separate instances of shadiness that I spotted, grouped by Tyra's stank and the smell that caused it.

The stank:

The smell:

Ambreal

Hmmm. I can kind of see Tyra's point.

I loved how even though Ambreal changed from leisure wear...

...to swimsuit...

...those denim atrocities stayed.

 

What do you call those things, anyway? Calf-warmers? Leg skirts? Cotton mutations?

Maybe Ambreal didn't take them off because she couldn't take them off. Maybe they're part of her legs. Maybe there's a denim horse somewhere in her bloodline?

The stank:

The smell:

This chick doing this shit after Tyra instructed her to, "Walk like you are a butterfly. But think high fashion."

Imagine such a reasonable request getting such an outlandish response. What an asshole!

The stank:

The smell: Mila

"I love to celebrate everything! I mean, I basically had a really great life so far, so I have absolutely no reason to not celebrate. I celebrate my friends' birthdays, my birthday, everything. I celebrate a new nail color. That's huge!" A really great life so far? Excuse me, but can I be you for a while, Mila? And how does one celebrate a new nail color, anyway? For some reason, I think a maypole may be involved. Anyway, fair enough that Tyra wasn't having this shit. However, I'm afraid that all the stank in the world is no match for the smile-Mila-loves-you brand of positivity that's just radiating from this one. Later, Mila told Ty: "Crying, I don't know. I feel like it's just a little bit of a waste of time." Well, there's a challenge if ever I've heard one! I'm up to it, and I have a sneaking suspicion that Tyra is, too.

The stank:

The smell: The girl who pronounced Adrianna Lima's name the same way most people pronounce "lima" as in beans. You know what, Tyra? Before you get on anyone's ass for their pronunciation, realize that if enough people mangle a word it becomes real. "Towards," for example, which didn't start out being real at all. Here, I'll use it in a sentence to show you just how real it's become. Just picking a random one here. Uh...: "Congratulations. You're still in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model." But I digress.

The stank:

The smell: Sylvia's walk

Come on, Ty! Give the girl a break. She probably just needed to air out.

The stank:

The smell: Sarah's intro

See, Sarah couldn't tell how odious this was because her nasal passage was blocked. But really, you're plus-size, homegirl. That makes you inherently jolly. You don't need to resort to clownish antics.

The stank:

The smell: Lisa's offering of a picture of herself as an awkward child.

Again: fair enough.

The stank:

The smell: Lisa's description of her job as an "exotic dancer": "I'm not naked, I'm not topless. I'll stress this: I do have a bikini on." Oh, well, aren't you just better than everyone else, then, Lisa? Seriously, that's like having the integrity of a porn actress who doesn't do anal because that's just way too dirty.

But you know what that means? It means that this is probably her work uniform:

Which, clearly, is something to be proud of.

It also means that if she's doing this...

...and this...

...while clothed, then she is a tease by trade. There's so much more honor in stripping. Real talk!

The stank:

The smell: Kimberly's offering

Smells like horses. Yuck.

But really, what crawled up Tyra's ass and proceeded to be unfierce? It's like, oh sorry to put you out by tuning into your show that features models you "hand-picked." Your show that, if it needs reminding, was really the launchpad to the second phase of your career, Tyra Stanks. Have a little respect for the people you're entertaining and for those you're about to make look like fools anyway via editing!

Although, I can help out in that department, too. Here's a closer look at some of the girls that caught my attention during this first episode:

Ebony:

Call me inhumane, but Ebony's sob story (in which she revealed why she is the way she is and helped Tyra get into why) melted my heart not at all. You know why? She called her mom a "crackhead." She can't even tell her own story delicately! I mean, does not the word "crackhead," like, completely amuse you? I'm so tempted to dedicate the Dogs' "Your Mama's on Crack Rock" to her, but I'll stop short at just merely suggesting it.

I'm mean but only because she's so damn aggressive. "Heather? I call her 'Hunchback.' I think she has insecurity problems, and I don't think she'll do well on America's Next Top Model." Gee, Ebony, did you ever stop to think that Heather's insecurity problems could stem from social ridicule? God, what an asshole. Ebony thinks she's "fierce," and I tend to agree. I think she's fierce in that vampiric-cereal-spokesman kinda way.

Count Chocula is seriously fierce. I mean, he has buck fangs!

But you know, Ebony is stupid/bizarre enough to make me feel that there's some hope for her as a villain. It might not be rub-my-cooter-juice-on-you bizarre, but this is somewhere in that realm:

Like all in one? The only game I could think of that could achieve that would be something like this:

Uno because there's only room for one finger in those svelte model throats.

Hey look, Victoria's already playing!

No fair! She got a head start!

Heather:

How much do I love this one? First of all, Asperger's is fascinating. There was this kid in college who was totally abrupt and would run everywhere (like down hallways and shit) who eventually got thrown into a single dorm room after his roommates complained about his constant and open masturbation. He had Asperger's and, I think, was luckier for it as he got to ejaculate whenever he wanted and ended up in a single. Life isn't fair!

Anyway, yeah, Heather. Awesome.

Love that she took the piss out of Tyra immediately ("Hey pretty lady, and...Tyra.) and then got all adorably shy about it.

Love that she doesn't walk so much as hulks.

Love her philosophy regarding getting along with the girls: "I'm, like, trying not to step on too many toes, but if I do, it's like, whoops." That is so the spirit!

I love her invisible hump...

...which I think is endemic of her psyching herself out (if she relaxed and thought positive, I bet she wouldn't be half as awkward as she thinks she is). Seriously, how socially incompetent can someone who's sensitive to transgender pronouns be?

Finally, what I love the most about Heather is that she's hot.

So she's kind of a mess, definitely a survivor, decidedly quirky and heart-stoppingly gorgeous. She has the makings of a Top Model classic. Love her so much that she's at least half of the reason that I'm looking forward to next week.

Janet

Am I the only one who gets an insane Dunkleman vibe from her?

As much as I love a girl who does this by way of saying hello...

...my inner, and come to think of it, outer, ass-man just cannot get behind (as it were) her posterior pontificating: "I guess once you've seen one butt, you've seen 'em all. You know?" No, Janet, I don't know. To me, butts are like snowflakes. And by that I'm referring to the fact that I like to catch them on my tongue.

You know what's mind-boggling, though? That someone with that philosophy would go on to have a killer ass:

Like, how self-unaware can you be?

Oh, and I know she does it for a living, but here's one pussy I'd love to see her wax:

Chantal

"People look at me and they think, perfect little Southern Barbie doll." Aw, you poor thing. Well, don't worry: "perfect" never, ever pops into my head when I look at you.

"I think that I have something that no other girl has. I don't know what it is, but there's something. There's something." Judging by the shorts she wore to meet Tyra...

...I'm gonna guess that that "something" is a Fashion Bug gift card.

Bianca

God, how much do I love Bianca?

First of all, I love that her name is "Bianca." She's like the answer to the question: what would happen if Shareefa joined the animated cast of Beverly Hills Teens?

Her bitch philosophy...

...("...the fun bitch, like that, that's what I categorize myself as, and then there's, like, the bitchy bitch, that I've seen, like, here.") is the key to this show, if not the universe itself.

And she hates Ebony, too. When Ebony was called to be among the 13 finalists, here was Bianca's reaction:

A double eyeroll! I'm so impressed with her skills. Love this girl.

Jenah

Frankly, I have nothing to say about Jenah, but everything to say about her...jenah:

That is some heavy drapery. If I were a spider and needed to save Jenah from imminent slaughter, I'd totally spin a web that read, "Some Vag!" in the doorway above the hay that she called her bed.

Saleisha

I love this little Kewpie doll.

She is, like, exploding with estrogen if her spaced-out features are an indication. If the modeling thing doesn't work out, I'm sure her career as a baby-making machine will just take off.

Marvita

I don't know if I buy the whole bone-structure thing that Tyra was talking about (and I don't know if Tyra bought it either since Marvita was, you know, cut). I can't see past the Chris Rock to get to the bone.

But how crazy was it to see that Marvita's stacked?

I would have been less shocked if they panned down to reveal a penis.

Oh, and if Jessica (way, way above in the crying section, but also in that last Saleisha shot) was inhumane casting, then I don't even have a word to describe this:

That is absolutely Anna Nicole Smith's cousin Shelly, and no one can tell me different.

And then there's Spontaniouse:

The fact that we didn't see her say anything about her name leads me to believe that she has no idea how fucking bonkers it is. Spontaniouse, I'd like to introduce you to the weirdness and wildness that is your name:

Crazy, right?

It's such a shame that she didn't make it on. She has so much spunk. Oh well, there's always next cycle (I'm not even kidding that I won't be the least bit surprised if Tyra brings her back).

Semi-finally, one of my favorite recurring features I like to include in these recaps is Blowjobface of the Week. But, like anything, as ANTM gets older, its taste becomes more specific. Age brings fetish and perhaps Blowjobface of the Week is too basic for where the show's sophistication is. No, instead, for this premiere we have Blindfolded Blowjobfaces of the Week:

A new level of kink!

And here's the non-blind-folded Blowjobface of the Week runner-up:

I have to say that, again, I'm very sad she didn't make it on the show.

Finally, I think Tyra offered us a glimpse of what flashes in your head just before you expire:

Terrifying, right? Before your die, you see the Thing...    

Comments

[Kate]

I LOVE YOU! Welcome back, Monday Joy.

[Daryl]

I come into work and before I even do any work or grab some coffee, I'm perched here reading your recap. You never disappoint Rich! You assessment of these girls was spot on! For some reason I'm living for Lisa as I feel this is her ticket out of stripperdom and into rap videos (or something like that). You're the only reason I enjoy Mondays!

[Alexis]

First! Oh Rich, you kill me. I've missed your recaps so much.

I need Tyra to make Mila cry. Maybe at the acting exercise episode? That is, if she lasts that long...

[Gretchen]

Ahhh, this post reminds me of how I feel on Christmas morning.

[Jamie]

Everytime Jennifah spoke all I could hear was JFK from Clone High: "Pawtee Platahh"

[Gayest Neil]

Fabulous as always! I'm rooting for Janet.

[Alison]

Thank you for reminding me why I wake up on Mondays - fabulous!

[nicolelaroche]

Are you planning on attending the Tyra Show at some point since it's moved to nyc?

Ah, I've missed this.

Cycle 9 will rock.

Also:

Whoa cameltoe!

And:

Whoa! Tyra's jumblies looked ferocious in that drag queen gear.

[Reese]

Why does Tyra look like a Bajoran or Klingon in all the "stank" pictures?

That's just not right...

Yeah!!!!!!! You just made Monday mornings fun again.....

[SarahD]

Ahhh, Monday mornings are worth waking up for again.

[.Chris.]

Oh thank god for mondays ANTM recaps.
Im so glad you are on Team Heather with me. hahaha that awkward bitch is what made this 1st episode to me.
i cant wait to see how they mess them up with makeovers.

[Rosa]

YES YES YES on the cousin Shelly thing!

But does anyone get a Rihanna vibe from Saleisha?

[Jennifer]

You are effing hilarious. Thanks for making my Monday!

Finally! A reason to look foward to monday mornings!

Yay!

[Madame M]

Oh man..... someone is going to have to start a blog recapping your recaps-- you had some utter winners in there.

I briefly toyed with the idea of skipping this cycle of ANTM. But then I wouldn't have your recaps to gladden my Mondays.

Life would lose a little meaning.

[LaSexorcisto]

"Before you die you see The Thing" I didn't notice it in the episode but that screencap will haunt my sleep forever. What's wrong with you??

Heather and Bianca, along with Lisa, were some of my standouts. Heather's "pretty lady & Tyra" bit was kinda awesome. I think Bianca will be a bigger bitch than what she paints herself to be (see previews for Ep. 1) but she's fierce. Lisa needs a makeover but she's modelesque and like you said, redemption arc in the hizzle.

Ebony and her five-o-clock shadow can suck it. Don't care if your mama was a crackhead, you are still stanky. Saleisha is boring and I read somewhere that her mom is a porno actress?? Ambreal is cute as hell but those denim gaithers? She's dead to me. Victoria looks like one of the S7 twins and James Van Der Beek had a huge-headed baby. And then that baby grew up and fucked Mr. Ed. Chantal = undercover biatch.

Love your posts especially some of the "Nasty" remarks (said in my best Spontaniuse voice)

[J]

Don't leave me.

[Jen]

I never left! I love you and I'm with Gretchen - your recaps feel like Christmas. And if you ever move to MN I will be your best friend and feed Winston when you go on vacation.

You forgot to mention Tyra's evil glee when Miss J was mocking Mila's stick-up-the-ass walk. Dude, are these bizzos in kindergarden?

[h]

denim horse in her bloodline...dude thats awesome

[Victoria]

Love Heather, she is gorgeous.
Saleisha is totally Rihanna.
Janet is a man baby!
Why in the hell would Sarah pull a snot rag out of her nose? Is she a 12yr old boy?

Love you Rich, can't wait for more.

[Baboo]

I knew it! I knew you would do a spontaniouse combustion joke!
amazing as usual! especially the blobjobfaces and that final gif of tyra!
THANK YOU!

[ekar]

Thanks for recapping. I instinctively click on your blog every monday and now I'll have something new to see. I agree that trya was a bitch this episode, I think she's going to get really mean this cycle.

[Daisy]

I can't get over how much Marvita looks like Whip-Snap from this cycle of Who Wants to Be a Superhero~ AND they both had stories of being abandoned by their mom and growing up on their own/foster care/homeless. I think Tyra missed a perfect crossover opportunity which would have touchingly reuinted these family-less girls.

[Shana]

"Anonymiss". Haha.

[Steve Abramson]

Trying to get the whole tongue-ass-snowflake thing out of my head and wrap myself around this recap; welcome back, your brilliance just grows and never tires...

I have to agree - the b.f. and I rewatched the episode yesterday and we both said, bitch (Tyra) better make her cry (about Mila). She's so fucking perky, I think she needs to be locked in a room with the three girls who were the last to be called (names escape me at the moment)... Between a girl who's socially awkward, a girl who will wax you and then slap you and a girl who will give you a lapdance, not only will Mila cry, but she'll run out of the room screaming, pulling her hair out a la Homer Simpson...

I thought the cry count was extremely high and I look forward to her being added to your list (and praying that she is NOT the lowest person on the cry count recap at the end of the cycle!)

Keep an onion handy Tyra... she's ready to spill!

[Sara]

I LOVE these recaps!! I'm so happy ANTM is back and the recaps are back, they're almost as good as watching the show itself

[Jess]

While watching the batshit insanity of this episode, I kept thinking "I can't wait until Rich recaps this...and this...and...well, all of this." You perfectly summed up the insanity.

Also, I think I saw Heather at the 7-11 on my corner. She wasn't walking totally hulky, though, so I can't be positive it was her. She was with some rough-looking dude with a huge mohawk if it was her.

[matt]

Just an FYI, since I'm sure we'll be seeing them as long as Ambreal lasts on the show (which is to say, maybe another week, those leg mutations are called Gaiters.

Oh and I love you, but I think I need to steal your Kimberly screen cap. Since I'm the one person in the world who thinks Booberly is the best thing since...boobs.

[Joe M]

1st Booted: Mila
1st heaving, sobbing phone call home to parents/boyfriend: Victoria
Biggest slut when they pose with male models: Chantal
Will receive most inappropriate makeover: Saliesha
Biggest lesbian tease: Janet
Most likely to get screamed at by Tyra during elimination: Ebony
Nigel's seasonal wank-off fantasy girl: Kimberly
"The Camera Loves You": Heather/Saliesha
Most likely to inspire "Why is she still in the competition?": Lisa
Most likely to have a career after show is done: Saliesha
Most likely to sleep with Jeremy Piven: Chantal
Will guest star on the CW: Ambreal

[Victor]

Makeover Predictions anyone?

Ambreal: big wavy extensions OR shaved down to stubble - can't decide just yet

Bianca: some Vidal Sassoon inspired blahblahblah

Chantal: chocolate brown

Ebony: short little cut to highlight her Janet Jackson-like features

Heather: will be compared to Cycle 3 Ann; will be given shoulder-length cut & lightened

Janet: shorter and dykier a la Clay Ai.. i mean, Cycle 8 Sarah

Jenah: big red weave a la Cycle 8 Brit-tit-tit

Kimberly: ice blonde

Lisa: BEGGING for a Pigford Poodle

Mila: eliminated before the Makeover episode PLEASE GOD

Saliesha: some drivel from Tyra about how her hair is too dark for her skintone, followed by 10 lbs of auburn horsehair

Sarah: (Tyra hand gestures) big, beautiful, bah-LOOOOOONDE

Victoria: so angry that the horsiest, ugliest fish-faced girl (Lluvy's Pisces photoshoot all over again!) shares my name that i hope her makeover just involves a stapler, a hot glue gun, and skingrafts from the cadaver of some prettier recently deceased model.

just say no to Janet. she is the reincarnation of Sara (tic). not cute at all, there must be some reason she's on there though, can't wait to find out what it is.

[salvo]

Does anyone else think Saleisha looks just like Detective LaGuerta from "Dexter"? It's driving me nuts.

[Jacquibear]

How could you every think no one would want to read your recaps? Maybe you need T-Zone to build up your confidence!

I think I enjoy your recaps more than the actual show!

This is like a signal event -- Labor Day, the beginning of fall, the first day of school, the first ANTM re-cap of the season -- Happy New Year to me (and you, of course)!

[Missing Vag Arms]

I am totally sitting at my desk trying to do a double eyeroll like Bianca.

[Leanne]

Two things for you Rich.....

My sister has Asperger's Syndrome, although she has the typical weight problem that goes along with it, so this girl is lucky to look so great. Also my sister walks that way too, and I've read that's a classic sign (the hunched walk and no eye contact.) I hope she stays just to prove that people with disabilities can do normal things too.

I also was in Brooklyn this weekend playing in a soccer game and met Heather Matarazzo, who I found out is dating one of the (female) players. Was relaxing in a tank top and jeans, smoking a butt and hanging out. Immediately thought of your article about torture porn, but just said I liked her in Welcome to the Dollhouse and Saved! Total non-diva.

[allie]

Chantall totally looks like Adrienne and it freaks me out.

[Clancy]

Saleisha is absolutely gorgeous -- a vision, and I say that with no sarcasm at all. I hope she doesn't get an inappropriate makeover as someone predicted upthread.

Spontaneouse is the new Wholahay.

[Julia]

Ebony and Count Chocula, you are hysterical. Tyra was such a bitch.
thank you for a great re-cap.

[Fake Janice Combs]

Doesn't Tyra look like gal-pal Kevin Aviance in that 'bizzre edgy beauty' photo where she's bald? Imjussayin.

[Katherine]

I really hate that Lisa's location was listed as Jersey City, NEW YORK!

[alicia]

TOTALLY AGREE ABOUT COUSIN SHELLY!

[jules]

I think you're a little mixed up on the names=there is a Sylvia (the brown-haired one on the crying list) but you keep calling Sabrina Sylvia . .

[grownnsxc]

"Thing 165-170."
Dead on the floor.

[Simon]

Loved when Victoria started vomiting and some random model goes, "My time to shine!" What, by helping her? By taking over the 30th seed in the competition? They didn't even come back to this.

[EasterBuffy]

I think Tyra made a BIG mistake not casting Jennifah. Just think of the hilarity that would have ensued during a commercial challenge! I'm not going to broadcast my favorites, because they always get cut when I do. Let's just say I'm looking forward to how Tyra dances around her cruelty to these girls, especially when she rationalizes cutting someone who obviously deserved to stay over the girl standing next to her who gets to go onward (Jade? Dionne?). I also think the editors already deserve a pay raise. What genius to cut Chantal and her posse standing on the beach, talking smack about Victoria. Don't they know this only means Victoria is in the final two? Silly, silly models.

Glad to have the commentary on Mondays back. Yes, Rich, this is your destiny. Embrace it.

[Barba boosh]

HOORAY! MONDAYS ARE GREAT AGAIN!!!

[Raignn]

God I love these recaps. I agree, I think I might enjoy them more than the show. Looks like this season is already shaping up to be way better than the last!

[katy]

the asses-like-snowflakes comment is definitely going under my "favorite quotes" on facebook

you're so my favorite

[Akasha]

Thank-you for making me realise that Marvita reminds me of Chris Brown! Everyone on TWOP was saying Grace Jones, and I was thinking, no, it's someone else, but I'm not sure who...

What would I do without you, Rich?

[under employed girl]

I can't believe you didn't say anything about Jaslene and her exciting life as a covergirl!

[Stephen]

that was almost too good...

[Riko-chan]

You know, I'm thinking that Saliesha looks more like Judy Reyes from "Scrubs." Especially with that hair. Nurse Carla!

[LALA*]

BRILLIANT! SIMPLY BRILLIANT :D

[LED]

I said the same exact thing about Chris Rock. Well first I said "If Chris Rock was a lesbian member of the PCD" but still Chris Rock!

[dodger]

Amazing. Now i'm excited for ANTM. Saleisha is way cute. Mila is on drugs. Hunchback is Feirce.

[gebba]

Oh man sounds like Marvita reminds everyone of someone different- I thought Dave Chapelle.
I think Saleisha is gorgeous, and loved it when she said her dream was to be in Victoria's Secret and Sports Illustrated. Way to set your goals high!

[April Winchell]

Nice call on the Dunkleman thing. But she also reminds me of this woman.

[sean]

Tyra still does her own hair, evidently.

[foxxy_brown]

OMG! So many good things are in this post. You really should have titled it "A Very Special ANTM Recap" because it is so RICH with content!

First, let me say, I love that you decided to keep doing this. Reading your Monday recaps bring 15 minutes of joy to my week every week.

I though this was my favorite bit you wrote:

"In this shot, catharsis + Mr. Burns' frailty + my middle-school librarian's frizz = ...a model. Seriously."

Until I saw the thing about a Fashion Bug gift card. I'm still recovering from laughing out loud.

Please keep up the good work!

[Cookie]

I don't CARE if my boss finds me reading this...I'll just shriek, "Listen, Mr. Man, this is a SHOW about the HOMELESS and the mentally DEFORMED and the children of CRACKHEADS trying to make new lives for themselves as...models." Then I'll make him whip out his checkbook; the program clearly qualifies as a charity.

Where will Tyra go with the stripper thing? Will she banish the lithe Lisa for her shady past (thereby, of course, driving her straight back onto the pole) or help her step up into a WHOLE NEW LIFE! She's just gonna have to bag that hootchy-cootchy girl, or her T-Zone girls would freak. (And doesn't a T-Zone have something to do with acne? Tyra is mean to teens!)

And please...everyone here knows that Tyra's sole mission from Day 1 has been to eclipse Naomi Campbell, not to change anyone's standard of BEAUTY! What a liar!!!

Agree about everything except Chantal. If that girl gets a chocolate brown makeover, she'll be one to watch.

I like her, even if she looks like Trashelle from teh Real World.

Yay! Mondays are a bitch again!

[Susan]

Awesome, hilarious, as always. Thanks!

[BayBB]

I adore you! My cheeks hurt from laughing so much.

[Scott Free]

It was brilliant of you to name-check Bev Hills Teens!

Funny as hell, as usual, but I was so hoping for a "High Fashion Ass Whupping" soundclip. Well, you can't have everything. I'm looking forward to Mondays again!

[mariaaaaa]

I NEED YOUR HELP PEOPLE! Who the hell does Ebony remind me of? I keep seeing flashes of the LoveBoat in the 70's, but everyone think of doesn't match... Lola Falanna? No. Leslie Uggams? No. Diahann Carroll... hmmm. No, but if Diahann Carroll and Ted Lange had a baby and swaddled her in stank? BINGO!

[Beth]

I love Lisa the stripper! It was bugging me all episode, but I finally figured out that she reminds me of Elyse!

[Frank]

lol I KNEW you'd love Bianca.

And you didn't even mention Tyra's EERIE similarity to that ghost girl from "The Grudge."

Here's a visual aide (omg I'd love if you put it in the recap. Wishful thinking on my part?)

http://img64.imageshack.us/img64/6366/tyragrudge1wd3.png

[E]

Thank god these are back. It's the highlight of any Monday! Us Canadians are praying that you recap Project Runway Canada as well......

[Amber]

You know I think Tyra was the inspiration for J.K. Rowling coming up with dementors in the Harry Potter books. She makes the girls recall their worst memories and then feeds on them!

[I'm just sayin'...]

I couldn't help but notice that Ms. Jay's name is now pronounced by Tyra as 'MRS. Jay'.
I wonder who the lucky fella could be...

[Sam]

I love it I love it I love it, and I'm glad you're still doing this !! <333

My favorite part was the bit about Ebony's Eating Disorder Game. That shit had me laughing for like 10 minutes. Aaaah

You did however call reject Sabrina "Sylvia". But still, it was lovely.

[Hateraid]

Summer's over and Rich is back and in fine fashion. I missed you so.

I still can't get over that child's name. LOL

[finding the filth]

fierce as always!

should we try to predict the token lesbian? i'm gonna go with heather the assburgers girl, or maybe closet ebony.

[finding the filth]

re: makeovers - i'm thinking shes gonna give ambreal a grace jones-style flat top fade.

[Amelia]

Baah, Mondays are worth it again!

Heather is the shit. I love her. Saleishia....wow. She's like Tessa Thompson, were she incredibly cute. I like the sorta dykey chicks of this season. Jenah=Gorgeous.

Isn't that Heather eating the sausage in the BJ pic? Or am I hallucinating?

[Cookie]

PS Thank you for the final shot of Tyra, pouncing out and unfurling at us like the Alien!

Moments like these...priceless.

[Gwen]

WooHoo! I'm so excited for the cycle 9 recaps. I had to rewind my Tivo SEVERAL times to make sure I was reading Spontaniouse's name right. I was in awe. Loving Heather & Janet so far. What is going on with Jenah's crotch? Weird. Also, Lisa will be the first stripper to win. You know there's a first time for everything!

[Adam]

laughing so hard at "Mr. Burn's Frailty".

Excellent.

[Toothy Tile]

Kimberly and Heather rock my world. Let's hope the makeovers are kind to them, because they really don't need anything done to them.

Also, I always knew Rich loved a good rim.

[Claire]

Missed you! Thanks for bringing it back. Looking forward to it:)

[Tallsonofagun]

"To me, butts are like snowflakes. And by that I'm referring to the fact that I like to catch them on my tongue."

I actually snorted Rum & Coke out of my nose. Jesus, I am happy you are back with the recaps. At least I know my Autumn will be worth living through now. Rich, thank you for all you do.

[Daniel]

Snowflakes! Asses!

BWAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAAAAAAAA!

[kt]

Oh, how I have missed these beautiful Mondays.

[mona]

What's so bad about Mila? I think it's refreshing to not have someone pissing and moaning about how bad their life is all the time. Plus-she's really beautiful. I think she's got potential

[Danielle]

Heather has to be the next Shandi... except with more Aspergers.

[John Foley]

All is right with the world again.
But imagine how much better we would all feel if we saw a naked picture of Cycle 8's Jael at Burning Man! Can you just imagine?

[princemoney]

dude if u stop blogging antm

i will commit suicide!!!!!!!

[jtalia]

"God, bitch, have some patience. Don't you know that your stripper-not-stripper ass is about as close to a dramatic arc as we've got this episode and therefore you must be called last to preserve the order of the ANTM universe?"

DAAAAAAAMN, fractured my clavicle with that one!

and that charlottes web reference was GOLD.

funny
funny
funny

*golf clap*

[krista]

now that i'm too poor to have tv (ok, so i chose netflix over tv), these recaps are all i have! this season is amazing already, and the mr. burns reference was puuurrrfect.

[korper]

Yay! You rock...so glad you're back. I love Heather, too. And if past experience holds up, that means she's toast. Alas...

[Kristi]

AAARRRGGGHHH!! I didn't see the beginning of the episode and couldn't wait for your recap. When I saw the picture of Tira that was supposed to be beautiful and safe, I like to cried. I 'shopped a similar picture of myself (not a beautiful woman, so gotta do what ya gotta do) for my MySpace. Now everyone is going to accuse me of being a Tira wannabe! I did it first! Copycat! It is a nice picture of her though, especially compared to most of them from Cycle 8.

[Bianca]

i love Bianca cause that's my name, plus she has a bre swagger and bre was one of my favorites of all time. this season seems like it's going to be a GOOD season.

BUT the girl you kept calling sylvia that's didn't get picked her name is Sabrina. but it don't matter causre she dont exist anymore LMAO.

[Nic]

I can't believe you didn't say anything about Mr. Jay saying "hold on to your apple crumble, girl!"
that's like.. this year's "iknowriiiight?"

[nidra]

ANTM recaps are back!!! I'm in heaven.

And yeah, I'm totally with you on Heather (er, that came out a little wrong...but only a little). Gorgeous mentally-ill hunchbacked nerd models rule! I want her to win SO MUCH, but if she doesn't, I want her to tell Tyra to kiss her big fat Aspergers.

Also agree about Spontaniouse -- for the name alone she deserved a shot. It breaks my heart that we never learned the whys and wherefores of that ridiculous moniker. Was it, like, a Six on "Blossom" thing? On the night of her conception, did her dad say, "Oh, honey, let's skip the birth control and just be spontaneous?" And was the cr8tive spelling intentional or did her folks think it was really spelled that way? We'll never know. Tragic.

In any event, even though it will lack a little Spontaneity, I'm looking forward(s) to this cycle a crazy amount.

[Henry Evil]

Heather and Lisa for the final 2.

Also Spontaniouse is the greatest thing TV has given me, or anyone.

[Rachel]

Last night (actually, this morning...) when I was studying for my history test I remembered that there would be an ANTM recap and it made me SO happy. Then today when I read it, it TOTALLY made me feel better after my dad, like, bitched me out. Esp. the denim horse part and "the thing"...i rewinded like 5 times on my DVR to watch her do that, LOL.

[Gabriele]

"to young women, gay guys and the str8 boys who love them, but not like that unless they're, like, tipsy. Tee hee.' Represent!"
And "Some Vag!" And, and "Anna Nicole Smith's cousin Shelly"!!!
I had such a blast reading this! I was a newbie (via Pajiba), but will now be a regular.

[Clynn]

Rich! I was waiting to hear what you thought of Victoria, bc I realized at the very first glimpse of her that I'd seen her before... We sat next to each other on a train for several hours. Every other word out of her mouth was YALE (with just that much emphasis on the word). "Oh, where did you say you go to school? Because I go to YALE... At YALE we have a GREAT history program... At YALE classes are so hard..." She was superbitchy and ridiculously pretentious, which hopefully means she'll create drama. Still, I can't WAIT for her to get kicked off!

[Jason]

"...it's as though I'm reentering the womb...through Tyra's arm."

I don't know what I've missed more these past few months... Rich's recaps or vag arms....

[Monica C.]

Tyra Stanks!

And now, let's cry.

And Jenah's Jenah?

Oh, and "catharsis + Mr. Burns' frailty + my middle-school librarian's frizz = ...a model."

THAT SHIT IS HILARIOUS!!!!

[Becky]

Best quote that you neglected to mention: "I know things. I read stuff. I play beer pong."

[Avatar]

//Seussy//

"Seussical", m'love. Don't know if I need a ™ there or not.

//He had Asperger's and, I think, was luckier for it as he got to ejaculate whenever he wanted and ended up in a single. Life isn't fair!//

See, it's shit like this that makes me love your recaps so goddamn much. You're the ish, Rich. Real talk.

[Frances]

Yay!

Oh and I don't know if you've seen it but here's a link to Lacey's (from Rock Of Love) hilariously crappy music video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-QQu2MBqMI

If you look at the end its directed by her dad.

[buffy]

Rich, that Count Chocula image had me laughing so hard, it was all I could do to hold onto my apple crumble cake, girl! Loves it!

[Santonetti]

Awwww. My mondays of ignoring my students while reading your blog are back! Good times, good times...

[Leigh]

I'm so looking forward to this season.

[Deborah]

My money is on Aspergers Heather ftw! And thanksgod I can haz Rich recap on Monday!!

[ginny]

i am so so so excited that you mentioned "your mama's on the crack rock" AND beverly hills teens in the same model recap. those two entities just about sum up my childhood of watching fox and the box: music television you control.

[Deb]

How did I make it 4 months without your recaps to keep me going? Would it be inappropriate to nominate you for Sainthood or at the very least, demi-god status?!
you are Fan-freaking-tastic!

[abby]

welcome back one and all!

[j-son]

rich, you are so freakin awesome. I completely forgot about the antm recap today!!! THANK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!

[neikaleek]

Thank you, thank you, thank you and welcome back. I have a night class every Wednesday night so I'll have to survive by reading your blogs. Bianca is my instant favorite...for now.

[megggghan]

whoever the brunette reject eating the sausage was- in the shots where they showed her face straight on, she had this wide, creepy cheshire cat/jabba the hutt thing going on. oogie.

[MDP]

Butts, snowflakes, tongue...f'ing brilliant!

[acolyte]

Go Asbergers!
Loves you, as always.

[Steph]

I am so happy you still enjoy doing these recaps, because I enjoy reading them more then anything (well, except for actually watching ANTM:) Thank-you times a billion for the joy you bring into my life.

[Desiree]

Rich can you please PLEASE recap Lacy's video?? I spit up my drink at least three times watching it

[Desmon]

Thanks for the wonderful recap Rich! Since I'll be working Wednesday nights, I won't be able to catch ANTM this cycle so I look forward to Mondays now. :)

I have a feeling that Tyra's Rosemary's Baby fetish will rear its ugly head this cycle with Janet's makeover. She ought to get ready to hear the dreaded words "Mia Farruh hurrcut on YOU" on that special day. *rolls eyes a la Bianca*

With Heather, why do I get the feeling that - if she wins this cycle - she will act like Kevin Spacey's character in The Usual Suspects? LOL! I mean, think about it! As she walks out of panel, she'll have her invisible hump and clunking walk. Then, miraculously, Heather will stand up straight, stomp fiercely out of panel, say "Bye pretty ladies...and Tyra", and laugh her ass to the bank...or to Janice's modeling agency.

Heather = "Verbal" of ANTM Cycle 9

[kylie]

oh thank god...ANTM recaps are back! although there is one thing i missed...the pretty party. you could just do an entire pretty party of ebony since bitch is ugly.

and tyra GIFs are the only thing my life can depend on.

[monica]

yay!!!! gotta love the recaps, I would have died a little inside if you had stopped.

Again another great recap!

[spazmo]

Intriguing new banner - complete with blowjob face!

This premiere recap was the shit of all shits. And as a bonus, we share mutual feelings for Bianca!

[Ronn]

You have no idea how I missed this. You make Mondays not suck! luv it!

[matthew]

Maybe I'm nexttopmodel-uneducated but I actually think Ebony could win if they don't screw up her eyebrows in the makeover. But of course they will make them even worse than they are now because it is ANTM after all, so yeah, she doesn't have a chance in hell I guess.

[winterwheat]

Oh thank god... I like Mondays again. Hooray!

[thebestrubberbandballmaker]

French and Saunders' do Next Top Model
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Yt6OjnazjZs

[Dara]

I think Tyra's so bitchy 'cause she KNOWS her arms are being called "vag arms"!! I caught a few moments of her talk show and this is what she was taking about.." I've noticed I have cellulite on my upper arms, so I've been working out..I think it's helping!" Paraphrasing a smidge, but you get the gist. She's fucking pissed.

Rich, you and your assy snowflakes rock my world!!! Huzzah!!!! Squeeeeeeee!!!!

[GhoulieJulie]

Thanks, Rich! My life is so much more enriched when you're recapping this wonderful show. I'm still guffawing at that last gif! I didn't even remember that in the show.

[Boodie]

Ohh THANK YOU so much.... I have never seen this show, it gets shown on PayTv in Australia and I don't have it, but through your marvellous recaps I have developed an undying love for all things Tyra and ANTM.

[Jennifer]

You know what rocks about your recaps?
Re-reading the recaps and coming back time and time again for the comments. Not just Monday Bliss-Tuesdays Too!!!

[Jennifer]

Yay!!!!!!!

This made me so happy.

Thank you Rich. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[em]

i CANNOT wait for the Pretty parties to start!!!

[Julianna]

i love you and your recaps, this just made my day. or, most likely, my week. which is slightly sad, but oh well.

[Sanity,Interrupted...]

OMG I missed this.
I could barely make it past...

"No, Janet, I don't know. To me, butts are like snowflakes. And by that I'm referring to the fact that I like to catch them on my tongue."

God bless you my witty friend and the laugh spittle you cause to come out of my mouth when reading your recaps.

[sbrainb]

Holy shit I cannot stop laughing at the Ebony as Count Chocula pic!!! SO dead on... I don't know how you come up with your awesome comparisons!!

[sbrainb]

...as a matter of fact I think I may tile that photo as my wallpaper!

[Rhythmic]

Now u kno Rich, im honestly wondering how Tyra is gonna look for Panel..because u kno each season there seems to be a different theme behind her looks..like last season when she was gypsy queen meets whore of babylon with them crazy ass headwraps...i think this season shes bringing bangs back....or just roaming around beyonce's closet and stealing old lacefronts *shrugs*

[JenJen]

Desmon, your comment was great!!

Okay, so, I've come to realize that ANTM and Rich are one entity to me now. It would just go back to being that show that I always had to try to explain to people. That you don't take it seriously unless you wanna be on it. While secretly you take it very seriously and would cry like a young girl who just wants to be a model, but is systematically being tortured for the greater good (read: our enjoyment)if you missed it.
It would be like peanut butter without the jelly. Tyra without the weave.
I saw Tyra on a talk show once talking about how hard she works (boo hoo). She mentioned that she edits every show. I think it is down right hilarious how she puts on the whole, "I'm looking for role models" crap while she is really all "Claw" behind the screens. She probably even wears a black glove just for the drama. She would keep Satan himself in the competition if it meant good TV.
Speaking of "role models" How is Eboney, or as I like to call her, Stanky McBitchfest, a role model? Because she has had a crappy life but has the strength of character to send in a video to a TV show so she can prove she to the whole world that she has no heart.
As far as I'm concerned the only role model is Heather. My cousin has Asperger's and it sucks the ass of life, hard. She is going to go through hell with these insensitive bitches and I just hope that she keeps taking awesome pictures and ejaculating on them all.
As long as this show is on TV you must not leave us Rich. Remember, for every crappy cycle(and I disagree that they exsist)there is a Heather waiting in the wings, just to make life worth living again.
Besides how can you stop doing something that elicits such adulation from your readers. You know you have a bit of the Tyra in you and you live for the praise. Admit it!
Can you guys help me. I have a terrible memory for this stuff and I only found Rich last cycle. I am dying to see what he had to say about the banishment of Adrian Curry from Top Model history, but I can't remember when they stopped showing her picture and I don't wanna search endlessly through every cycle to find it. Thanks!!

Ta to all, happy Cycle 9! I can believe I've embraced this whole "cycle" crap. Oh well!

[JenJen]

Desmon, your comment was great!!

Okay, so, I've come to realize that ANTM and Rich are one entity to me now. It would just go back to being that show that I always had to try to explain to people. That you don't take it seriously unless you wanna be on it. While secretly you take it very seriously and would cry like a young girl who just wants to be a model, but is systematically being tortured for the greater good (read: our enjoyment)if you missed it.
It would be like peanut butter without the jelly. Tyra without the weave.
I saw Tyra on a talk show once talking about how hard she works (boo hoo). She mentioned that she edits every show. I think it is down right hilarious how she puts on the whole, "I'm looking for role models" crap while she is really all "Claw" behind the screens. She probably even wears a black glove just for the drama. She would keep Satan himself in the competition if it meant good TV.
Speaking of "role models" How is Eboney, or as I like to call her, Stanky McBitchfest, a role model? Because she has had a crappy life but has the strength of character to send in a video to a TV show so she can prove she to the whole world that she has no heart.
As far as I'm concerned the only role model is Heather. My cousin has Asperger's and it sucks the ass of life, hard. She is going to go through hell with these insensitive bitches and I just hope that she keeps taking awesome pictures and ejaculating on them all.
As long as this show is on TV you must not leave us Rich. Remember, for every crappy cycle(and I disagree that they exsist)there is a Heather waiting in the wings, just to make life worth living again.
Besides how can you stop doing something that elicits such adulation from your readers. You know you have a bit of the Tyra in you and you live for the praise. Admit it!
Can you guys help me. I have a terrible memory for this stuff and I only found Rich last cycle. I am dying to see what he had to say about the banishment of Adrian Curry from Top Model history, but I can't remember when they stopped showing her picture and I don't wanna search endlessly through every cycle to find it. Thanks!!

Ta to all, happy Cycle 9! I can believe I've embraced this whole "cycle" crap. Oh well!

[JenJen]

Desmon, your comment was great!!

Okay, so, I've come to realize that ANTM and Rich are one entity to me now. It would just go back to being that show that I always had to try to explain to people. That you don't take it seriously unless you wanna be on it. While secretly you take it very seriously and would cry like a young girl who just wants to be a model, but is systematically being tortured for the greater good (read: our enjoyment)if you missed it.
It would be like peanut butter without the jelly. Tyra without the weave.
I saw Tyra on a talk show once talking about how hard she works (boo hoo). She mentioned that she edits every show. I think it is down right hilarious how she puts on the whole, "I'm looking for role models" crap while she is really all "Claw" behind the screens. She probably even wears a black glove just for the drama. She would keep Satan himself in the competition if it meant good TV.
Speaking of "role models" How is Eboney, or as I like to call her, Stanky McBitchfest, a role model? Because she has had a crappy life but has the strength of character to send in a video to a TV show so she can prove she to the whole world that she has no heart.
As far as I'm concerned the only role model is Heather. My cousin has Asperger's and it sucks the ass of life, hard. She is going to go through hell with these insensitive bitches and I just hope that she keeps taking awesome pictures and ejaculating on them all.
As long as this show is on TV you must not leave us Rich. Remember, for every crappy cycle(and I disagree that they exsist)there is a Heather waiting in the wings, just to make life worth living again.
Besides how can you stop doing something that elicits such adulation from your readers. You know you have a bit of the Tyra in you and you live for the praise. Admit it!
Can you guys help me. I have a terrible memory for this stuff and I only found Rich last cycle. I am dying to see what he had to say about the banishment of Adrian Curry from Top Model history, but I can't remember when they stopped showing her picture and I don't wanna search endlessly through every cycle to find it. Thanks!!

Ta to all, happy Cycle 9! I can believe I've embraced this whole "cycle" crap. Oh well!

[JenJen]

Desmon, your comment was great!!

Okay, so, I've come to realize that ANTM and Rich are one entity to me now. It would just go back to being that show that I always had to try to explain to people. That you don't take it seriously unless you wanna be on it. While secretly you take it very seriously and would cry like a young girl who just wants to be a model, but is systematically being tortured for the greater good (read: our enjoyment)if you missed it.
It would be like peanut butter without the jelly. Tyra without the weave.
I saw Tyra on a talk show once talking about how hard she works (boo hoo). She mentioned that she edits every show. I think it is down right hilarious how she puts on the whole, "I'm looking for role models" crap while she is really all "Claw" behind the screens. She probably even wears a black glove just for the drama. She would keep Satan himself in the competition if it meant good TV.
Speaking of "role models" How is Eboney, or as I like to call her, Stanky McBitchfest, a role model? Because she has had a crappy life but has the strength of character to send in a video to a TV show so she can prove she to the whole world that she has no heart.
As far as I'm concerned the only role model is Heather. My cousin has Asperger's and it sucks the ass of life, hard. She is going to go through hell with these insensitive bitches and I just hope that she keeps taking awesome pictures and ejaculating on them all.
As long as this show is on TV you must not leave us Rich. Remember, for every crappy cycle(and I disagree that they exsist)there is a Heather waiting in the wings, just to make life worth living again.
Besides how can you stop doing something that elicits such adulation from your readers. You know you have a bit of the Tyra in you and you live for the praise. Admit it!
Can you guys help me. I have a terrible memory for this stuff and I only found Rich last cycle. I am dying to see what he had to say about the banishment of Adrian Curry from Top Model history, but I can't remember when they stopped showing her picture and I don't wanna search endlessly through every cycle to find it. Thanks!!

Ta to all, happy Cycle 9! I can believe I've embraced this whole "cycle" crap. Oh well!

[christina]

"Some Vag!" is the fucking funniest thing I have read on the internet in a long time.

[jmjm]

Love this show so very, very much. When Tyra had one girl left to call for the final 13, my sister snorted "Well, it's obviously going to be the one who's crying the most." Funny 'cause it's true!

I was totally thinking Dave Chappelle for Marvita, Dionne in drag was Chris Rock.

I'm also on the Heather bandwagon, her "whoops" comment was awesome. And she's beautiful. Her posture reminds me of hayseed Katie from Cycle Whenever.

When will these girls learn? Never say your hair is your best feature and never say "they can do anything to my hair, I don't care!" Because they WILL shave you bald. And then laugh at you.

[Philip in Tampa]

I am so deliriously happy that ANTM is back and most importantly that YOU are back in such form! We all missed ANTM, but your inaugural recap of Cycle 9 was a thing of real beauty. THANKS SO MUCH - I think I love you.

[brandi.]

FASHION BUG. brilliant.

[Melinda]

Love your blog! Thanks for the entertainment.
Please try to recap the Rock of Love show if you get a chance.

[JenJen]

sorry for the triple post. no clue what happened.

[Luca]

I love heather, she's so cute

[Summer]

I'm soooo glad you're back! Going to work on Mondays just isnt the same without you. FYI, the chick that was cut and made Saleisha cry was named Sabrina. Also, I'm pretty sure Sabrina's hair was real (based on her calling it her best feature and just knowing black hair) and not synthetic. Side note-I can't believe this blog hasn't gotten back to Tyra in some shape or form because she still doesn't cover up the vadge arms. I love that phenomenon and have told all of my friends to beware of exposing vagina arms.

[kestrien]

Has anyone seen this fabulous British interpretation from the "Absolutely Fabulous" girls? Your fellow VH1ers are on top of things:

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2007/09/26/icymibydlie-in-case-you-missed-it-because-you-dont-live-in-england/

[Audrey]

I bet we can make Mila cry during the makeover episode. Oh yes, shaved head here we come! ;-)

[bonnie]

I have never read this site before. I AM SO GLAD I'VE FOUND IT. I was just snorting while I read this. also, I missed last week's premiere, and I think this is the best recap i could have possible found. THANKS.

[Noodles]

"Congratulations. You're still in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model."

Towards is a real word. It is. Not that the rest of the phrasing doesn’t deserve execution. And I’m not convinced a photograph can "represent" a person.

[Cookie]

<< When will these girls learn? Never say your hair is your best feature and never say "they can do anything to my hair, I don't care!" Because they WILL shave you bald. And then laugh at you. >>

Oh jmjm...so true, so wise. SO SAD!

I was so tense watching last week...it has finally really sunk in how cruel this show is. The "walk like a butterfly" thing was really uncalled for. It's also becoming clear to me that I am using this comments section as my own personal diary. I've posted 3 different times so far!!

Oh, well...Go Team Assburger.

[Lauren]

Frances! Oh my goodness, Lacey's music video! Thank you for posting the link.
The lyrics, the "acting", the special effects...wow.
Here's the link again for anyone who missed it (and watched Rock of Love):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-QQu2MBqMI

[Hannah]

Spontaniouse belongs on Flavor of Love 4!

[Vinita]

I want Lisa to win! Her looks remind me of Jade's for some reason.

[megggghan]

toward and towards are technically interchangable, but toward is the preferred usage in american english, like "color" instead of "colour." it's an unnecessary flourish that kind of clunks up the sentence. sorry to be the obnoxious grammar nazi, but the only thing i like better than pretty girl treachery is ap style...

[George]

My little brother has Asperger's.
I want Heather to win... I see so many similarities with my little brother... it's like they were separated at birth.

[sarah]

so excited this is back. i don't know how we lived without our tyraisms for the week!

[nidra]

Re: toward/towards. Both are technically correct, although I think "toward" is more commonly used. I've always used toward, mostly because then it matches the other -ward words: you know, moving forward, going backward, running toward. Although some people do say "backwards". But nobody says "forwards", for some reason. Or do they? Well, they shouldn't. "Going forwards" just sounds utterly ridiculous. So I just leave off all the "s"'s for the sake of consistency, although why I care about being consistent in this case is beyond me, because English is in general anything but.

Damn, what a useless comment! Ignore it. How about that Winston and his string, huh?

[Steve Abramson]

Well noone's commented on tonight's episode in which the first girl went home... needless to say I'm sad, shocked and saddened (only because of the previous comment I made about 50 or so ago... won't mention here for those who have NOT seen this episode yet!) Just another dream shattered...

WAY off topic... Rich, I know you get like a kazillion requests for this and that... - if you ever get a chance to do a soundbite for Twiggy, I would love to get her saying stuff like "the camera loves you", "what a great/saucy photograph"... I've been listening to Def Leppard's Photograph a lot, and I'd love to put that soundbite in before and after the song, ya know? LOL

GO team Heather!!!

[nidra]

Oh, can we talk about tonight's episode? I wasn't sure. I, for one, was not sorry to see *SPOILER*! go. There wasn't all that much point to her. I was, however, hoping that Tyra would have her crying like a baby before the season was through. I am sorry we never got to see that. Adieu, Spoiler! We never really knew you. Then again, we never really wanted to, you preternaturally upbeat Beverley Mitchell clone, you. Oops! I think I might have given away the Spoiler's identity. Better stop now.

[matthew]

Who's beverly mitchell?

[Jasmine]

Victoria = Sarah Hagan from "Freaks and Geeks", no?

Maybe not so much in these photos, but in life - yes.

[Amy]

reason to live again! yay!

[Leslie]

Mila is so totally channeling Hatchet face from "crybaby".

[mdizzy]

great recap as always. i'm surprised that you didn't comment on tyra commenting on jennifah's "cool accent". tyra is such a bitch and a racist. she never said anything about natasha or jaslene's accents, but constantly railed on "dani" about hers(a southern black accent/dialect). and then this chic has the most awful boston accent and tyra compliments her on it. which one is it tyra? what a bitch.

[wendy]

IT'S GOOD TO LAUGH AGAIN!!!

[EasterBuffy]

So happy with the first elimination. The constant "perkiness" was draining although I noticed that when #1 To Go was sitting with someone on the patio, her energy level was showing cracks and annoyance at the woman sitting next to her.

Also, a pretty decent first photo shoot backed up with the balls to crack down on smoking in the house. Quite frankly, I think this is a violation of individual rights, but it's probably too late for ACLU to intervene on behalf of these women. Hey, it's America and it's legal to smoke. In the state of California, it's legal to smoke in a private residence, which that house is. It's too bad Victoria is a history major instead of a law student, but I doubt any of those girls has the balls to stand up for their legal rights with such a large carrot dangled before them.

And by carrot, I mean, "Congratulations, X, you are ANTM."

[Noodles]

It’s not useless, Nidra.

I am familiar with towards as the preposition, and backwards or forwards as adverbs; untoward, backward and forward as adjectives. But I suppose forward is also verb and noun and whatnot.

In any case, it is indeed clunky (like this sentence). She didn't say, “You’re still in the running for ANTM,” because that’s politics-y and decidedly un-magical.

Okay, maybe this is useless.

[Reese]

Mdizzy, I thought I was the only one to feel that way. Tyra is the biggest bitchy hypocrite. Natasha couldn't speak English, forget about an American accent. And, while I love Jaslene, I'm about 5 seconds behind her "My Life as a Cover Girl" commercials because I'm trying to translate exactly what she's saying. I can't understand her through her thick accent.

Don't get me wrong people. I have no problem with people having accents. I just don't understand why a black girl can't have one, but everyone else can. Personally, I always felt that Tyra was a bit jealous of Dani, the same way that Naomi was a lot jealous of Tyra. Divas don't ever want anyone else outshining them. And, yeah, Dani was/is way more beautiful than Tyra. No other girl on any of the seasons could claim that, and Tyra knew it. She hated on Dani just because she was beautiful.

[Stephanie]

I just found your blog and love it...Is that photo from the top from the movie Trouble with Angels?

[Cookie]

<< She hated on Dani just because she was beautiful. >>

I know! And little Dannielynn is just a year old! Tyra the Tyranical is just too mjean.

I wonder how Anna Nicole would have done before panel, back in the day?

[MissDior17]

I'm so glad you're back, Rich. I missed your recaps. Nevertheless, you crack me up everytime. Especially with the closing of this recap. I laughed for about 10 minutes and then continued to laugh everytime I thought of it. I now have that face of Tyra tattooed in my brain.

[Ross]

spot on w/ the commentary. love you as always <3!

[Reese]

What's with the hate, Cookie? Are you Tyra's second grade protection? I'm pretty sure I didn't see you in My Bodygauard.

Guess what? People can and have opinions. Based on Tyra's hypocritical and racist actions, it's my opinion that her statements to Dani were motivated by jealousy and not altruism.

But, you can send your whippy kindergarten comebacks to Tyra's writers. I'm sure they could use the material.

[Genesis]

<333!

[matthew]

Yay, cycle 9 is the non-smoking season!!!

[LaSexorcisto]

Man I just noticed the huge case of vagina arms on the Tyra showgirl picture (that's not a womb, Rich, that's the cave those bitches went in and died in "The Descent")

And the smoking ban is total BS but it should make for some cranky hos.

Reese, Dani's cute but I don't think she's that cute. Maybe it's those damn Lany Bryant pictures that have poisoned my mind.

[Soy]

You should enroll in a antm fantasy league. Lisa and Bianca = points!

[joe to hell]

JAY MANUEL MUST BE STOPPED!!!

ENOUGH HAIR BLEACHING AND SKIN BRONZING!!!

AND PUT YOUR NIPS AWAY

[Britt]

I have to say, this season is gonna be great! and so will your recaps! yay!

Along with Heather, I too have Aspergers and I think that Heather is an insperation to all Aspies everywhere. She is defying the odds and doing something she believes in while others doubt her. I am also in that postiton and it feels good to have someone to identify with. I'm glas you are on her side and love her as much as I do!

ok back to the fun! You rock and keep up with the good work, and cant wait for the PR updates! Nov 14th!

[La Angel]

Damn, Jessica looks straight up like Oscar from The Tin Drum.

[Maria Houndstooth]

"To me, butts are like snowflakes. And by that I'm referring to the fact that I like to catch them on my tongue."

YESYOUDID!!!!

You're the best. Simply the best.

[doughgirl]

I won't say welcome back because I have been reading you all summer (because you asked) I love your Rock of Love blog too!

[Sneezy]

Just recently found your blog. You make me laugh so hard. Love your recaps. Thanks a bunch!

[theidlereceptionist]

oh...how i have missed thine recaps!

[Midas]

I just want to say thank you! You made my day. I've never seen a funnier post about a TV show in a long while.

Does Tyra have two TV shows? I thought I saw her annoying the heck out of Rihanna, but it's wasn't a model show.

[Danielle]

I couldn't stand that Mila girl. She was waaaaaaaaay too positive for me. She got on my nerves. I'm glad she got eliminated.

suck dick and die slutts!!!!!!!!