La da dee, la da dumb

In this episode, we receive a shock so immense, it couldn’t even fit in Tyra’s Spanx.

Kimberly...

...isn’t interested in...

...fashion! And, what's worse...

...she doesn’t want...

...to be on this show anymore!

If Paulina’s wrap dress opened to expose a penis, I wouldn’t be more surprised!

Oh, and as if that’s not enough, Atalya gets the boot, too. Since she had the personality of the crumpled up "snot nose rag" that Kim so resembled (I mean, really), this has no bearing on my existence. Well, it does mean that I’ll no longer be tempted to call her “Atalya Disco” (y'know, like "Italo disco") at every reference. In a weird way, I feel relieved.

15. Amis

Wow. She looks so...handsome. Who says crying is a sign of femininity?

16. Atalya

The weird thing is, even though I just typed it, I still can’t remember her name.

17. Eh, someone

Disco! Disco! Disco! I’m starin' out the window. Oh, sorry. Zoned out.

I’m sure you already are well aware of what the first Tyraism is, right?

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

“So, ladies, for your very first photo shoot, you portrayed homeless young women. And I have to say that this is an issue that is very close to my own heart. About a year ago, on my talk show, The Tyra Banks Show, I was homeless for a day. And I became that person that, I have to admit, I ignore every single day, because that’s what I was taught. This week, ladies, you brought light to a very important issue. You should be very proud of yourselves.”

Ah, I love when self-righteousness is served family-style. Also, I love that the issue close to Tyra’s heart isn’t homelessness, per se, but portraying homelessness, since if she actually did care about the problem, I assume she would have stopped ignoring homeless people (note the present tense of “ignore”) and/or developed the compassion to understand how tasteless this is:

See, it’s not the thought that counts, just the illusion of it. She’s either completely lost it, or she just doesn’t care to pretend any more. Either way, I gotta admit that I’m kinda feeling it.

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

“You are a girl that, if you continue in this competition, I’m going to be very hard on you, because you’re already very good.”

Tyra-to-human translation: “You are a girl that, if you continue in this competition, I’m going to be very hard on you, because I’m an asshole.”

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

“Do you wanna just go home? All right. Go home.”

OK, so despite being unable to hide the condemnation that’s tattooed on her face...

…and despite the snottiness that’s tattooed on her disposition...

I think Tyra handled Kimberly’s forfeit really well! Praise without irony! Gold stars! Seriously. Because, make no mistake, Kimberly is an idiot for reasons I will explore very soon. I really think that Tyra did the best job she could do in illustrating how Kimberly’s idiocy spilled over into assholism (she deprived “FLYYY!!!” girl of a spot, the Winston-faced whore!) and then wasted as little follow-up time on that fool as possible. Seriously, a job well done.

Tyraism of the Week No. 4

“Fatima, only good picture that you had. But it is fierce. I feel the pain, I feel the glory, I feel the beauty, darling. This is fabulous.”

This is just a Tyraism to point out that Tyra sounds like Eartha Kitt, and I like that. It’s not what she says, it’s how she says it.

Tyraism of the Week No. 5

“So many girls would die to look like you. You are just like a little Barbie. But the judges just see a pretty, pretty girl. And maybe some commercial modeling, or something, but they said they don’t see high fashion.”

I’m including this as a public service: lest Saleisha, Eva, CariDee and, oh, just the rationale of the past seven cycles, not to mention the Cover Girl and Seventeen associations cloud your understanding, they’re looking for a high-fashion girl. Because unless you have a body like a folded up tent and a head like an alien, you simply cannot shill Wet Slicks. Recognize!

1. You know, I’m almost sad to see Kimberly go.

Any girl who supplies such consistently amazing sound bites that I can’t possibly choose a favorite is clearly something special.

"A lot of people think that I’m this dumb blonde, but I’m actually really down to earth. I feel really special, expecially when I think of all the girls who would love to be in my spot right now."

I think she sounds really special expecially when she uses the word “expecially.” (Also, the first half of this quote was played last week and hearing it again reminded me of how much I adore the binary of dumb/down-to-earth. Those things are not mutually exclusive. That’s like saying, “A lot of people think I’m really smart, but I eat paste.” The point is that you can be smart AND eat paste, and if you need proof, you’re invited to dinner at my place.)

"I know that sounds, like, crazy, like, how you gonna model if you’re not into fashion? But it’s just like, I, like, I don’t know."

Because if you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall all over your words. Oh wait, you’ll, like, do that anyway. I don’t know.

"I saw the no-smoking signs, but I really didn’t feel like I was hurting anyone but myself."

She is digging her own grave and that’s, like, totally cool. Because, seriously, you can’t get more down to earth than 6 feet under it, right?

"It’s really hard to just come in and have, like, people tell you what to do all the time."

What kind of wild, feces-throwing animal resides inside of Kimberly? We’ll never know. :(

I mean...

…I think this picture says everything: “Are you, like, there God? It’s me…um, I forget.”

2. Thank god it doesn’t stop with Kimberly, though. Why is it that the girls seem particularly dim this cycle? And not just the sort of endearing dimness that Anyway exudes.

You know, I’ll see her childlike wonderment…

…and raise her a Scooby Snack.

Anyray ruvs Scooby Snacks!

But yeah, her beautiful mind aside, I almost feel like there should be a Modelism of the Week or something. Except, again, I’d never be able to choose just one. It’d be like potato chips, or children. You tell me which is more delicious.

But anyway, since you didn’t ask, the following flashes of brilliance would be in the running towards becoming the stupidest things I’ve heard all week:

"There’s a big no-smoking sign on the door. As a matter of fact, two of them. So Kimberly, Aimee, Fatima have the nerve to go outside and just smoke!"

I mean, can you believe these girls went elsewhere when faced with no-smoking signs? Was Disco Dolly calling on them to defy authority? If she wanted to set an example, she should have been a little more proactive. Perhaps pissing on the no-smoking sign or Tyra herself would have been the jolt that all of her less courageous competitors needed.

"So we walk out of Elite, and there’s, like, this big taxi-looking limo. And it was so cool because it said, ‘Fab Cab!’"

Cool? I thought it was fab.

"I didn’t know I could actually make people feel upset. It’s interesting."

Yes, Fatima, you can incite a range of emotions within your fellow humans. You have much to learn! Oh, the places you’ll go! Oh the people you’ll provoke into punching your face!

Granted, Fatima could be sarcastic here, and that’s why I included the unrelated screenshot: at least, I hope the reason behind her head covering is sarcastic.

"You know how you’re so nervous that you’re just calm? Right now I’m at that point."

It’s like transcendental meditation, if what you’re transcending is your IQ.

"This hit home like crazy."

Uh, she’s talking about the photo shoot. Doesn’t she mean, “This hit homeless like crazy?”

(Also, as much as I love Marvita, I am not a big fan of this photo, primarily because her eyebrows look like slugs.)

"A) Because it sounds like ‘Amy.’ B) Because it’s in the Bible. Why are you named Marvita?"

Well, at least now we know what was up with her picture this week.

She wasn’t looking into the light. Her eyes were watching God.

And then, God looked at what he had done and it was amiss. Oops, I mean Amis. Easy mistake, as when she's around, it's often as though...

...something is amiss.

3. Oh right! New things! It’s so nice that Tyra got Carol King to sing the new theme.

As for the song itself, I’m glad I’m at least one step closer to finally making out the words of the first verse beyond, “It’s time to make it.” That makes me feel like I’m moving forward in life. Sonically, it’s got a C+C Music Factory grinding thing going on, which is about as grating  and early-90's throwback as the word “fierce.” That is to say that it is entirely appropriate. Love it.

Oh, and in one of the last shots of the intro when the screen gets all scrambled…

…if I didn’t know better, I’d swear that that was Jocelyn Wildenstein. She’s pretty much the only thing left in the world whose presence could make this show more ridiculous than it already is. Tyra, may we have her?

Oh, but maybe my favorite thing is this bizarre shot we see just seconds into the new intro.

Why is she shrugging? Could it be that the question, “You wanna be on top?” is harder than it seems? I think it is. My homosexual brothers, y’all feel me?

And then, there’s the Tyra Mail…

…it seems like a minor point, but having it scroll slowly for all to see makes the girls seem even dumber than they are in unison! It’s like a choir of angles with oversized tongues!

And finally, there’s Paulina.

I gotta admit, I’m not sold on her yet. Don’t get me wrong: she’s the judge with all the potential in the world, but she’s yet to make good on it. The tranny comment was nice, but Dominique’s Joey Lawrence-reminiscent "Wow!" was nicer. I’m glad that Paulina's able to go there, I just wish she were a little more sound-bitey. Really, I wish she were more Janice-y. There is such thing as being too lucid, you know. Right now, I feel like I’m filling in her blanks.

If you can’t read that, hold your monitor up to the mirror. Or just open your eyes really wide like Paulina.

And with Paulina as grand marshal, right about now I think is a great place to throw the first Pretty Party of the cycle!

    

The shot above I took because of Lauren, and it just so happened that Fatima was doing what she was doing. And now I’m obsessed with that. She seriously looks like the mini alien on the tongue of the Alien alien’s tongue.

If Fatima were indeed descended from, uh, alien tongues, it would explain why she’s the meanest African that Marvita’s ever met (which, incidentally, was just about the best thing anyone’s ever said during this show’s entire run).

And you know that this is how our Pretty Party ends.

4. Except, it’s always a Pretty Party when Fatima comes to town.

Really excited for her to get a makeover, because for real, the way her hair generally falls makes her look goatish. You know you can’t dress her in anything because she’s liable to eat it before the photo shoot ends.

Also, what was up with her fucking slapping Marvita in the face?

Why is she even walking around with her hand extended? Is she satirizing royalty?

This girl is like a riddle tucked in a mystery wrapped in an egg roll. I don’t even want to crack her open for fear of confusion and burning my tongue. Like that possibly sarcastic comment she made up above is a great example of how confusing she is. When she pointed out that Katarhoweveryouspell it and Marvita both have smooshed faces…

…did she really not know that she was being bitchy? Is it strategy?

Bottom line: she is up everyone’s ass.

...including the Statue of Liberty’s.

5. Even though the judges praised this many of this week’s photos, I thought they were terrible! Like...

...she’s not so much "draggish" as drag-gone.

Paging Ellen...Page.

And this one...

Ugh! Pain! It looks like burning! Recently, there was a True Life on MTV whose topic was something along the lines of, “I’m Fat and I Love It.” One of the subjects they followed was a 400-lb. or so Southern gay guy who was desperate to form a chubs and chasers community in whatever because, though his area may have been Bumblefuck, he wasn't getting any. So he decided to throw a fats-and-the-men-who-love-them mixer, which turned out to be tragic beyond your Mandee-in-a-dead-mall dreams. During the planning stages, he met with local drag queens to scout performers and one of them looked exactly like Stacy-Ann does above, except she was toothless. She’s toothless! And she stands there, singing for money!

Hmmm, on second thought, maybe Stacy-Ann nailed that one.

6. And speaking of gender-bending and this shoot, I think what was notable about the "homeless" models wasn’t that they were homeless, but that they were trannies.

   

And, uh, not homeless, apparently. My boyfriend told me that Angelika (spelled like the movie theater and just as pseudo-cultured, no doubt) and Isis were both on this MSNBC documentary recently and Isis, at least, is not homeless. I mean, she has a fucking MySpace. You’re never homeless if you have a MySpace! I guess that’s the beauty of our generation. I guess that’s the lesson. Well, either that or it’s enough to merely say you’re homeless to get your point of half-hearted compassion across. But then, we already knew that didn’t we?

7. And rounding out the trannytalk, why for the love of god does Dominique wear her hair like this?

She looks the Adelaide, the maid between Mrs. Garrett and Pearl on Diff’rent Strokes.

(Sorry so small. It was all I could find!)

Look, even Adelaide’s like, “Bitch, please. That shit's not model.”

8. I saw this shot of Jay…

...and all I could think was, “teen idol.” For all y’all who love and defend him, this Internet locket’s for you:

9. Oooh! Someone’s got a girlfriend!

The beauty of this show is that so does someone else. Anyway is so Marvita's bitch. I wonder if she realizes that yet.

10. Now that Saleisha’s haircut gone…

I really miss it. Don’t it always seem to go that way?

11. And finally, someone I didn’t talk about this time is Claire. That’s because I can’t even think about her without visions of breast pumps dancing in my heads. Yes, that’s right: heads. Claire haunts me and this is why:

Or maybe it’s just that she (as a reader called "fisticuffs" pointed out) looks so much like Pete Wentz, she might as well have her cock out in front of a bathroom mirror at all times.

Breast milk. Pete Wentz. I don’t know what’s scarier. I'll be meditating on that one till the next recap.

Comments

[Mark]

Katarzyna <3

[Mardi]

Hey Rich,

Thank you thank you thank you - as always. Love your recaps.

Funny, Kim was so hideously ugly, she was a little peroxide midget, but she took a "fierce" photo! Can't believe she didn't even make it past the first week. Gotta be strong to hang with with these bitches!

[Sarah_O]

Brilliance. Always with the brilliance.

[eri]

Tyra Banks morphs into Jocelyn Wildenstein! I love it. Your recaps make my Mondays happy.

And, Fatima just has a bad case of ramen-head. She is incredibly beautiful.

I just wanted to add that:
"She’s toothless! And she stands there, singing for money!"
Made this gloomy winter day entirely better.

La da dee, la de dah..
Merci, Rich!

[Jackie]

Did anyone else notice how terrible the lighting was during judging? It made the girls look fuglier than usual when the individual judging happened.
And, Mr. Jay's pants during the fashion show?? OMG.

[' O ']

Not a single mention of Whitney! I'm sort of sad X3 I LOVED her windblown hair thing at the end of the runway. there's something so Delta Burke about her that I just can't help but love.

[Kim]

Part of me wants Fatima to stay on the show, just to see how many feathers get ruffled, but then the other part of me is like she is a bieotch and not that good looking. Be gone.

Katrizzziiinnnaaa (whatever) on the other hand, I dig the most.

[Brian]

You had me rolling on the floor laughing. Not only are you completely sexy, but hilarious. Can't wait til the next one.

[B]

Yay, no more Kimberly! Now just get rid of Amis and especially Allison, and we might have a show worth watching...oh yeah, and please, for the love of god, do something with Claire's hair.

[Holly Won't]

Where can I order my Jay Manuel locket?

[sc]

I was very sad that you did not mention allison's intense vaginal arms at panel. They kept alternating between her child-like ones and tyra's increasingly saggy ones. I felt like the editors were specifically giving you a little gift:)

[SeriousStyle]

Oh. My. God.

The Scooby Snacks comment had me literally laughing out loud. Of course then I got to Fatima as a goat eating the clothing and that just had me needing to pee I was laughing so hard.

Kim as tissues was a fantastic visual as well!!

Is it just me or does Allison remind anyone else of Sarah Silverman.

And Claire totally looks like someone other then Pete Wentz and I can't put my finger on it.

Also, is anyone else reminded of Lisa, Cycle 5, when Amis pops on screen? She's like the same person but possibly weirder and with less effort.

[pricolatino]

Winston-faced whore!

Oops, I wet my pants. Thanks.

[Kate]

Whitney's name is misspelled on Miss J's glittery military jacket. Why am I not surprised (I actually AM surprised that they didn't bold the font or make it bigger to point out once again that she's "this cycle's plus-sized girl" AKA mid-cycle cannon fodder).

I don't normally comment about one of your "throwaways" (if I can call them that), but the part of Anyway not knowing if she's Marvita's bitch or not is PRICELESS...

Except you've gotten her name wrong - it's ENYA!!! - C'mon if Homer Simpson can have that old B&W cartoon stuck in his head, tell me Anya doesn't have "Sail Away... Sail Away... Sail Away" stuck in hers... Her brain is as void as a lemonade commercial (lemonade LITE I might add!)

I still say Lauren for the win!

[John]

Claire looks like Julia Stiles given the same haircut as Gary Oldman from "The Fifth Element", great recap again, thanks

[rae]

To me, with that crazy-ass "washing the face, put the hair up" hairdo, Dominique is just showing how much she looks like Vin Diesel. Take a good look, and picture him with a few months of estrogen therapy.

Am I right? I totally am.

[Joe M]

Tyra actually believes this shit, Rich. She was all, "You girls should be really proud of yourselves." The sad part - most of them probably were.

Marvita and Anya were all over each other this episode, by which I mean - bumping lezzie doughnuts by ep 5.

I liked Kim and her Play-Doe face and half-wit personality. Whouda thunk that she would be the one who would exert any sort of personal assertiveness to Ms. Banks like that? And she didn't even blubber like Ebony, she was all "Ya, this is horseshit. KAITHNXBAI!" Loved you, little lolcat.

Not long for this cycle: Alison, Amis, Stacey Ann.

Loved this recap, babe - hope you're cheering up. Was 51 degrees in Chicago!

[Jenn]

Maybe someone mentioned this (but I'm guessing not due to the nickname you've given her), but you should call Katarzyna "Kasia". Pretty much every Katarzyna goes by Kasia.

[JewBee]

Brilliant recap as usual Rich; you make my Mondays!
Anyone else think that Dominique looked like Heath Ledger at panel, and that Claire looks like Julia Stiles if Julia Stiles were exotic?

[BlackRaspberry]

you know, Kim really should be held responsible for taking FLYYYYY girl's place. I really wish she'd been in the house, if only to see if she'd pimp it out.

[Rita]

I hope Marvita and Fatima go all riot grrrl and make a zine about FGM and rape and molestation. I loved their bonding time. HA!

[barby]

I will never understand the saleisha love. never. I almost punched my tv out when she did her commercial.

The Alien bit was awesome, though, and totally makes up for any saleisha favoritism. We can all forget about the past, and bond over Anyway.

[vleones]

I love how Kim goes, "Now that I'm doing it I realized I'm just not that interested in it" or whatever it was she said. I mean I know they edit the days together and it looks a lot shorter than it really is, but she couldn't have been there more than, what, a week? Wuss.

Also, I found myself shouting "She does!!" the moment I read the bit about how Claire looks like Pete Wentz. I would have a problem with it except for the fact that Claire is currently my favorite and as big of an ass as Pete is, I don't really mind him that much. Still. Good call.

[C]

I totally think Claire looks like Ashley Simpson, but now I also see the Pete Wentz thing. Obviously, she's their child from the future who came back to compete in ANTM.

And Kimberly absolutely killed me in a bad way, but I always love Tyra's reactions when people aren't grateful for her show so I love her for giving me that.

[emily]

"She is digging her own grave and that’s, like, totally cool. Because, seriously, you can’t get more down to earth than 6 feet under it, right?"

nicely done.

and claire may look like pete wentz, but i'm totally seeing a little ashlee simpson thrown in there. might just be the last picture, though.

[projrunner]

How amazingly coincidental that Tyra chose *14* girls last week, and *two* went home this week.

[ClassicTidy]

I'm looking forward to watching the subtext concerning Paulina being quite a bit thinner than Tyra develop. I noticed increasing hostility on Tyra's part during judging!

Paulina does this wiggling her skinny shoulders around thing that's really provocative.

[jari]

I saw Angelika on Oprah a few months ago. Some show she did on transgendered youth. Very weird to see her on Top Model!

[Kaylyn]

This show is almost becoming too much for me to handle. Only almost though. ANd if it weren't for your recap, I probably wouldnt watch it any more.

Oh who am I kidding? I love to hate this show. I'll never stop watching.

Thanks for the great recap, as always Rich. You're lovely :)

[jari]

Oh, found the link to the Oprah show where Angelika discusses her gender identity and such: http://www.oprah.com/tows/slide/200709/20070928/slide_20070928_284_101.jhtml. She sure never mentioned anything about homelessness. Breaking news, ANTM fakes it... Heh.

[Anonymouse]

and to think i was the only person who watched: “I’m Fat and I Love It.” oh, MTV.

thanks, rich! hope you're feeling better!

[the childlike empress]

“Are you, like, there God? It’s me…um, I forget.” Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha
Claire for the win. She is totally Julia Stiles and maybe it's just because her name is Claire too, but I feel like she's Angela Chase all grown up.
How has nobody called out the JAP for looking like Sarah Silverman yet?
As for this week's episode, I really hope that those Barbie dolls seen in the preview were given to the girls with the full intention that one of them would compare Barbie's lack of genital detail to Fatima's. Wow, Tyra has no shame whatsoever.
Best: Claire, Fatima, Katarjjzhhyna, Anya
Claire's the only one I could bear spending five minutes in person with though.

On second thoughts, Paulina for the win! she's my favourite by far

[Lisa]

Not sure if this was talked about, but what about the whole "going green" that Tyra was so into last season? I guess she saved the climate last season so now she can go back to the ridiculously large limo taxi?

[La La]

I love the fact that the first thing Saleisha did was get her hair fixed. You would think ANTM wouldn't allow her to criticize Tyra for screwing up like that but it was a gift that kept giving for me. It is even cooler that she sounds like a robot when she speaks. Jaslene is looking better and better.
As for this new batch, they are all pretty boring. I can't tell who is who or care enough to care. Yeah, Fatima is the bitch of the bunch like Mnenna or whatever her bitchy ass name was. Yawn. Been there, done that. What can Tyra and the editors do to make this show seem more interesting?

[RD]

I love the irony of the Miss J photo that says "We Have A Winner Already. Please Stop Calling" in the opening set of photographs. It just adds that element of "duh" that Kimberly's quitting needed.

[Heather]

Marvita scares the crap out of me. For serious!

[scahhh jo]

This recap is the only reason I have not committed a rampage workplace killing today.

[winston for president]

Rich, I hope you're feeling much better now. Your recap has definitely made my dreary Monday (complete with shitty weather) look brighter.

[CalamityKate]

Amis is a double dumbass for a)changing her name to Amis, and b)not knowing that the guy in the bible is named Amos. So phonetically I guess she's still right. But I still want to fight my way through her flailing modeling poses and shave her upper lip. And I'm done!

[cloudy]

Fatima all up in the statue of liberty's ass. Guffaw! Way to catch that!

[Neha]

Rich! This was the BESTEST recap I've read in a long tim - and with your always-brilliant recaps, that's saying a helluva lot!

I LOVE YOU! YOU ARE FANTASTIC! FAn.Effin'.TASIC.

[bcannad]

Claire looks like Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson all in one.

[Liz]

Everytime Claire comes on screen, I cant help but hear Dave Chappelle saying "Breast Milks..you made my dayyyayyyyy" from his Making the Band skit.

I was also suprised at how flat Tootie's Cover Girl commercial was...considering she was supposed to be all perky and shit. Oh well.

[Christine]

Oh man, Mondays with you are so much better! NEVER LEAVE ME!

[yggy]

"And then, God looked at what he had done and it was amiss. Oops, I mean Amis."

Pure genius. Winston-faced whore! Excellent.

This cycle is completely and utterly horrific but I will watch 'til the bitter end, if only to look forward to your recaps. Does every single girl have a huge and/or bizarre nose or what?

Thank you, Rich, for making me laugh after a rather dreary monday.

[Connie]

I can't imagine a better start to my week than this:

Adelaide’s like, “Bitch, please. That shit's not model.”

I heart you, Rich! Mad props for the Adelaide reference.

[Fake Janice Combs]

I'm sitting here hyperventalating and crying over the Adelade reference. You have the 80s TV trivia game on LOCK Rich.

Show of hands, how many in this post are buying that Mr. Jay and Miss Jay had not one clue Isis and Angelika were trannys? No one? Me either.

If Isis and Angelika end up as contestants = Best Cycle Ever.

[Noah D]

OMG I fucking loved that True Life. I cried tears of joy when the guy made that nude calendar of himself. Although the part where the guy visited him for a booty call and talked about his fat all sexual-like was creepy as hell.

[SalvageService]

You are on FIRE!

*Because unless you have a body like a folded up tent and a head like an alien, you simply cannot shill Wet Slicks.*

Just genious.

[mamacita]

why thank you, i would love to come to dinner at your place =)

greeeeaaaat (in a tony the tiger voice obvi) post as usual!

[BAM's always lurkin']

I like to call Anya Celine DiAnya, because to me she looks like Celine, especially during her awkward pre-fame years, and she seems about as bat-shit crazy as good old Celine.
Allison totally looks like Sarah Silverman. I'm so disappointed in Allison. As a fellow (former) cheesehead, I was expecting so much more out of her. Also, Wisconsin is home to a diverse assortment of people, but she seems surprisingly JAPy to be from WI. Totally noticed her junior vag arms.
Will Mr Jay's coats get increasingly hideous as the cycle goes on, as they did in this ep? I think I miss Jay's warm weather wardrobe.
Finally, every girl looked crazy greasy at panel, but only when they were out on that lit up catwalk. That was so weird. I don't understand how being bottom lit would make them look that shiny. Are the lights super hot, causing them to sweat profusely? None of them (except maybe Anus, I mean Amis) looked shiny when they were standing with the group. I have a feeling that's going to bug me all cycle.
Thanks Rich for giving my friendless ass a place to talk about this show. My TV just isn't a good conversation partner.

[Donna]

YAY!! great recap!

[Scott Free]

Picture Fatima without hair, and then go watch the end of "Close Encounters of the Third Kind." She looks like the little aliens that come out of the ship!

[Anna]

So was I the only one that saw Baby Spice when kimberly was on screen?

[John]

Long time listener, first time caller here!

I'm so glad I wasn't the only one who noticed the 'homeless' 'women' were neither homeless nor women.

I actually saw the MSNBC Special (FYI, it was the Ballroom episode of their Born in the Wrong Body series) and, actually, Isis not only outdid some girls in the photoshoot, she could spank them on the runway, too.

I think, what I thought was most odd was that Tyra Banks, of ALL people, who appears to need to fill a certain gay quota in every episode, didn't shout this information from the rooftops. Especially since none of them were especially convincing girls to begin with...

Anyways, hysterical as always.

[Bea]

Tyra mail has stolen the genius moments of watching girls stuggle to read out loud! But it's replaced it with the hideousness of then all reading slightly out of sync. God this cycle is going to be hard to sit through.
I'd like to add my voice to those who have said that Allison is Sarah Silverman, but a tiny bit uglier and less funny.

[kylie]

all these bitches are so broke down this cycle! i really do love katarzyna, even if her name is out of control. and lol at miss j.'s misspelling of whitney's name. i think whitney has potential to go farther than midcycle, but then again, tyra only casts pluses for the token effect.

[Vanessa]

Does it seem like there is more Tyra in each cycle's opening sequence? I think eventually it'll just be a giant Tyra in the center that gets bordered with each contestant's head like the Brady Bunch opening montage.

I was proud of Kim for quitting although I do wish (in vain clearly) she might have been more articulate about the reason. It's pretty much irrelevant to get worked up about anything on that show but that was in pretty questionable taste even for ANTM.

(and as they pointed out on Best Week Ever, being a homeless person for a few hours out of the day doesn't make you homeless. It means you were running errands.)

Finally, I totally didn't get Amis' Biblical naming process so props to Calamity Kate for pointing that out.

[ashleysigh]

I already love Paulina. She's upfront about how fabulous she thinks she is, which is such a welcome change from Tyrant. I still hate how she still tries to be best friends with these girls in an attempt to soothe her ego. The homeless bit was really pathetic - what a typical Tyrant spiel.

[Timoteo]

Yeah, I have to agree that the meanest african comment had me laughing for quite awhile.

[Nessa]

Thank goodness squished face Kim is gone. Atalya was boring me to death too.

Thank goodness, in Canada they block out the American commercials. I haven't seen any Saleisha.

I'm pissed that the trannies aren't really homeless. Sue me for having at least a little faith in this "reality" show. =)

[forrestunknown]

And to think I was worried you had peaked with the horribleness that was last cycle ... oh you beautiful evil man you so proved me wrong

[Charlie]

Did anyone else think Fatima's picture looked like a Precious Moments figurine?

[Ern]

All the girls in this cycle just look like a re-hashed version of someone else.

So to chime in with the "She looks just like ____!", I think Claire looks like Bebe Neuwirth. Just me? And Dominique looks like the love child (hate child?) of Coryn and Lisa.

Great recap, as always!

[White Chocolate]

How Tyra gonna have a hybrid van last time, and a gas guzzling hummer-zine monstrosity this time.

Ohhh, right. LAST cycle was the Green Cycle. And i guess this cycle is the Mean Cycle?

Anyway, brilliance as usual. But WHY did they still have to eliminate someone when Kimberly ejected herself? Why?

[Kiraa]

Fatima - I don't get the orange hair. I mean SHIT GIRL.

[Z. Wheels.]

I actually think Claire looks (and talks) EXACTLY like Julia Stiles, if she had dark hair.

[Miss Lisa]

Wait--Tyra was a homeless model for a day? Actual homeless models? Fierce homeless modeling with slug-like eye makeup? What in the fuck is going on in reality TV-land? It should be called surreality TV and I vote for that change in terminology immediately.

Thanks Rich. I missed the show due to attending belly dancing class. It's hard to pick between two entertaining mediums on a Wed. night but at least belly dancing doesn't expose me to so much shock and dismay (usually).

[spazmo]

Hilarious, Rich.

And that shout-out to Adelaide made me spit out my paste!

Oh, and here's a looks-comparison that's really going to date me, but doesn't Paulina look a bit like Catherine Schell?
Seriously, a little eyebrow makeover, and she's a dead ringer for Maya

[Joan]

I don't think I'd watch TV at all if it weren't for your anticipated recaps. Between Four Four and the Celebreality Blogs (http://blog.vh1.com/tag/Celebreality/), I am hooked on you, Rich!

You never disappoint.

P.S. I hope homeless advocates get up in arms about such blatant exploitation. Tyra is a shithead.

[Nahhh]

i thought she said "do you ever get so nervous that you come"...

[EasterBuffy]

On Germany's NTM last cycle, two girls quit in the first episode and on Australia's NTM, one girl quit the first episode and the producers immediately brought in the girls next in line. Why can't Tyra do this? On AusNTM the hostess, Jodhi Spears, made the point that in fashion, someone is always ready to take your place and it struck the fear of God into those modelettes. I would have loved to have seen this on ANTM as well. It seemed like Tyra knew Kimberly was going to jump ship, so why couldn't she have had FLY girl or Not Jayla waiting in the wings?

Afraid to pick favorites because they always get the boot. Afraid to pick least favorite, because she always stays way too long.

[Individually Wrapped Slices]

I don't even bother watching the show. I daresay I'd never get the entertainment value out of a viewing than I do coming to fourfour to read your weekly reviews, Rich. Please say you'll do the ProjRun finale. Please?

Pete Wentz? NO.

Claire looks like Windowlicker.